what do I say?

Layla had a high blood sugar, it was a reminder that it is new site day.  She peeled the Tagaderm off of the old site, and a layer of skin with it, leaving an open wound. Bleeding.  We had to discuss new site placement, which is always hard.  She cries to plead her case.  "Please Mama, not my belly. It hurts when the needle goes in, and it hurts every time a drop of insulin pushes through." Her nose is running now, and she is wiping tears. I am strong. "Maybe my leg." 
I move aside the fabric of her skirt to find a place that would work.  One leg still has a raw red spot from the last time she had a site there, and the other leg still has an angry, open hole from a previous site that she has been bothering.  It itches, and hurts, and without thinking, her hand goes to it.  No good spots here.  I try to stay strong.
Her arms are so thin that there isn't good placement, even though she doesn't mind them there.  She doesn't have any body fat, so she is building up lumpy tissue under her skin from being pierced so many times in the same, delicate area.  Arms are not a choice this time.
We are running out of options, her body is small.  I finally decide on the placement, she disagrees, we push on.  She cries.  They are strong, quiet tears. The worst kind.  Her body is shaking when I place the set. My strength is wavering.  She asks why she has to have diabetes.  I don't have an answer for her. I never do. I pet her hair and bite my lip. It's time for bed.
I just heard her ask Alan as he was tucking her in, " how do we get it out?"  She wants the disease out of her body.  My dad has cancer, she has heard us talk about him getting it removed.  He will be ok.  She wants it out. She wants to be ok.  She doesn't understand. There isn't an answer. There isn't a cure. I can't fix it.  
She is so brave and strong.  We fake it, we make it look easy. But it is hard.  We don't want to let it get us down.  We don't want you to have to know what it's like. We don't want to be different.  We don't want to be afraid, but we are.   My heart breaks a little every single day.

why I had kids

so we used to have this "discussion" before we had kids:

me: but they are so cute! and I want one really BAD!

alan: they are so much work, and cry and are stinky!

me: (ignoring alan's brilliance and wisdom. as always) they have cute tiny outfits with MATCHING SOCKS!!

alan: blah blah (who cares, I think we all know I am getting a baby if I want one)

me: GAH! I can't live another day without a baby!!

alan: you are insane, this is a horrible idea!

me: you know you want one.

alan: well ok, maybe we could just adopt a teenager so they can cook and do chores.

etc, etc, etc. you get the picture.

So, as you probably figured out, we had a couple. They are really cute, and also, like, a billion times harder than I had predicted. (SURPRISE!)  Alan says things to me like: "extreme lack of foresight on your part."  Whatever Alan, who asked you anyway?
And then today happened.
Maggie just walked in and handed me this:

she just invented it. It is a strawberry, with the stem cut out and a dark chocolate kiss poked into the hole.  The only way it could have been better is if the hole was full of whipped cream vodka before the chocolate "cork" was put in. (but hey, I'm not a critic, and she's only 6, so...)
Lack of foresight Alan?! I think not. Lawyered!

ps, spellcheck doesn't like "foresight" and keeps recommending that I change it to foreskin. (although, technically still correct. Extreme lack of foreskin on my part. indeed.)  Who uses big words like that anyway? Sheesh. See what I have to put up with?! Good thing I have a good sense of humor. (and a personal chocoberry delivery service)

Happy Solstice

Today is the first day of summer and we are having a celebration.  The sun is out, I had fresh squeezed orange juice for breakfast on the patio, and a good friend is coming to share the day.  Life is good.

Enjoy the sunshine!

summer shorts

so, if you know me, you know I am a spaz. It's not an official (diagnosed) medical condition, just too many crazy ideas firing off all at once in a tiny little brain, and all demanding attention right now. If it sounds familiar, you probably have it too, I think it's just called real life. No medication needed (usually), just occasional naps and beers and lots of laughing and you'll be just fine. (probably. I am not a doctor, but this is what I tell myself)
Anyway, I had so many things happen last week that I wanted to talk about, I decided to just share them all, in short story (or even staccato sentence) form.  It's new! It's fresh for summer!  Get used to it, lots of stuff, fragmented thoughts, this is my way. Welcome to summer shorts.

My hair smells really good.

I have decided that coconut/almond/chocolate is my second favorite flavor combo EVER (after tequila/lime/salt. heh)

Q: how long does it take two little girls to eat $9.99 worth of organic raspberries?
A: about 3 minutes (sigh. this is not a joke)

I love Alan more than anything. Seriously.

(we are at my cousin's house, she has 3 daughters between 6th and 10th grade)  Layla sniffs the air and says: "What is that SMELL?!?  It is kind of good, but mostly really strong!"  I reply "it's teenager." (word)  A few hours later Maggie walks in, wrinkles up her nose and says "It smells like teenager in here!!"*  haha-true story. Still laughing about it.

*after giving it some thought I have decided that teenagers smell of a mix of something tropical (maybe pineapple or coconut), flowers, hair spray and nail polish/nail polish remover. (kind of good, but mostly really strong.)

My dad has been diagnosed with prostate cancer, it is early and slow growing, he is scheduling surgery and should be fine. I am holding off on the worry until they tell me I have something to worry about. (yay me) I also happen to have a good friend that works in the field and has set us up with a fabulous specialist, he really is in the best hands. Surgery will be sometime this summer, our summer schedule is subject to change based on this information. Please be flexible.

I love love LOVE my new cedar soaking tub, it makes me feel like a princess. (and also skinny since I just bob around in there like I am weightless (which I am NOT).  Come to find out, you are really buoyant if you are only 5 feet tall and mostly boobs)

ok now, I have saved my favorite for last.
wait for it....
I go down to Eugene to meet with my folks to go with them to Dad's doctor's appointment. (Come ON- you knew this was a Dad story!)  Dad is feeling anxious about the appointment, and we are all hungry and irritable as it is past lunch time.  We are in the mall and Mom and I are discussing heading to the food court to find a bite to eat.  Dad says he wants demands a White Castle burger. (never mind I have no idea where to find a White Castle, and I can't eat anything on the menu)  We load up in the car to get Dad his burger.  It is kind of all about him for a bit, and I am fine with it.  He swears he saw a White Castle on their way in from the freeway. We start heading in the right direction when he gets all excited. He has found the White Castle. Except, what he actually found was this. Castle Megastore.  (Knights and Damsels welcome)  There is NOT a snack bar here, as it is a porn shop. Megastore actually. He said he didn't care, and wanted to go in anyway. (um, no.)  I started laughing so hard I peed a bit, and I proceeded to the taco time down the road.  He was sulky and quiet as he ate his taco.
Later, after the appointment we take him to happy hour (he has earned it).  The waitress smiles and asks him what he would like to eat.  He looks at us and says,  "Ask them what I want, they didn't let me have lunch where I wanted, I doubt they will let me pick now!"   He is actually still pissed that I didn't take him to lunch at the porn shop. Note to Dad, the "edibles" section isn't what you think. I'm not fooling with you, IT'S REALLY NOT WHITE CASTLE!
oh. My side hurts.  This will be funny every day for the rest of forever. You can't make this stuff up folks.

answers to the name of Lucky

Have you ever seen the poster about the poor dog? I feel really "lucky" most days. I find myself hanging on by a thread, but in the end, still so happy to be living it. All of it.

My grandma tells a story of a bunch of people seated around a table. They are all heavily burdened, and decide that possibly they would rather have someone elses problems than their own. A swap is organized. Everyone puts their problems and worries out in the middle of the table to trade away, and in turn choose a new set to call their own. When they can see what the others are dealing with, eyes bulge, jaws drop, people gasp. Then quickly and quietly, they all gather up the burdens that they came with, and leave as fast as they can.

I get it. It's a good reminder.  Sometimes it's harder to see the big picture when you are so focused on your own stuff.  This last month has really felt like a trial, but things are slowly but surely shaping up. (Thank goodness!)  Hopefully soon the sun will come out for a longer stretch and I can spend some nice time outside breathing fresh air.  I have some fun things planned for us for the summer break and have lots to look forward to in the coming months.  Once again I am reminded about perspective, and how even though when times are tough, I have so much to be thankful for.  I am indeed lucky, and have the scars to prove it. What I have been reminding myself lately, is to enjoy the journey. It's long, and it's winding, but if I take a minute to appreciate the scenery, it is absolutely, breath takingly beautiful.

I love you Gram! (thanks for the reminder)

Profound

Today's wisdom is brought to you by Maggie (age 6):
"Every day is a tomorrow, even today is a tomorrow!"
Yes, Love, it is. Wow.
She followed it up by making a box turtle out of spaghetti noodles, lentils and pinto beans. (at the crafty summer camp that Layla is currently running in the kitchen.)  It's ok to be a little jealous. My kids are pretty awesome. (and they are available to rent, for the right price. Let's talk.)

"Tobin the box turtle" by Maggie

                      noodle turtle by Layla (craft camp director)