the weight

we have been struggling with some diabetes issues as of late, (too many to be comfortable with), the thing that strikes me is the feeling in my heart. It is a heavy weight. I tried to explain it to Alan the other night-but it hard to get the right words to express a feeling. Like love, how could you possibly tell someone how it feels, they won't understand. Or pride or jealously or even bliss. Sometimes there are no words. I love to write-it's what I do, so it is hard for me when words fail, like I have no where to go. It feels like the first time you realized that love could fail-way back in 7th grade when it became clear that the boy of your dreams was really a creep, or when you hear really bad news, or when you lose a friend. It is a heavy leaden lump, and it stays there, with no remedy, and drags you down. You find yourself lying on the floor (it is the only safe place, you can't get hurt there, you can't fall further) until you somehow find the strength to drag yourself up again, and rejoin the fight. It is what you must do, it is your job and honor, but it is so hard. And the weight is so heavy. When it gets late, the darkness is soothing somehow, and I find time to write with a pen on paper, it helps me to move forward, even if the steps are small, it is still forward motion, and this small action helps me remember that I am alive and necessary. Sometimes it gives me courage, but sometimes it just makes me cry until I can fall asleep.
the other night this is how I felt:

all burdens are heavy
but the heaviest ones, it seems
are the burdens that you shoulder for others
self pity is unseemly and unattractive and repellent
and when I think of the loads that others bear
it shames me to think that my lot is heavy and cumbersome
when I know it is but a small piece of what some have to weather
and yet still, the weight is there
and the fear and responsibility
and the reality
it almost seems like too much
but then there is the reward
of a sunny smile or a tight hug
or any number of amazing things
and I know why I have to do it
it is my job, my heart, my love
there are no guarantees but one
and so I continue on
and pray for a miracle
and I am so thankful that my true love is by my side
together we are stronger than either one could be alone
but we can't know if it is enough
we are losing this game
and yet we must go on.
This life is not fair.

here we go

so the idea is to post more to keep myself accountable. Looks like February 11th until today, May 21st went screaming by with no posts, and tons of stuff has happened-believe me! Maybe that's why I haven't had time to share-too much stuff.
Here's the latest, and then to be honest, a break because it is spring (almost summer) and we are outside most of the time (and in the evening when I am in, we are having beer and playing and not on the computer) BUT the plan is to blog away starting in the fall-so stay tuned for that!

ok-the latest:
My sister came here and lived with us for a few months, she is now off onto the next adventure, which currently looks like it involves PSU and possibly some kind of library.
Alan had gnarly foot surgery to fix some bunion business (who knows) and had to wear a robo-boot for an entire life time (it was spooky) finally got that sucker off and is healing nicely and wearing regular shoes again (but with shorter toes)
March was my birthday month, it was rad. (I am older now) My best friend moved away and it was the saddest thing ever (besides all the times when the complete wrong person wins survivor-that is also very sad)
April was Maggie's birthday, she is 4 now, and tells everyone. (apparently it's a big deal) Layla sang in a concert at school with all of the other kindergartners-if you haven't been to one of these, I highly recommend it-6 year olds are awesome! (and amazingly good singers, but the dancing/hand motions and stuff were priceless)
We went to DISNEYLAND for the first time ever-the girls were in Heaven! Really, it was so so fun (I was a skeptic, but the almighty Diz won me over, I am amazed!) and then Alan and I braved the swine flu and headed to Mexico. We were the only people in the entire country, so that helped us to not get infected. (Plus as my doctor advised me, Disneyland was more of a risk than Mexico due to the high germ/people count there.) Anyway we made it home safe and sound (later to come down with strep throat!) and take months of antibiotics. (eep!)
Then, my cousin Alora came to visit for a short bit and we had a great time, she hasn't been here in years. She helped me get my garden planted and we had a great time just relaxing and getting to hang out. The sun was out every day she was here!
We enrolled Layla in a homeschooling program for next year (have I gone completely nuts?!?) and between the doctors and dentist appointments and seed planting and house projects, the time is just disappearing. This weekend we are hoping to get our front steps in (finally!!!) and basically just get to spend some family time together and finish up some random projects (there really are so many, it's hard to know where to begin)
Next weekend is the Hockinson fun days celebration here in our little community, we love to go, and then I am having a friend come to stay from Missouri for a bit and another big weekend party for some local friends!
I am tired and bug bit (from so many nights out late by the fire pit) but really enjoying myself, it is so nice to have a house and the yard is shaping up---summer is promising to be the best one yet! (I will let you know!)