reality

I broke the scale. Well, the batteries died a long long time ago and I never put new ones in, I decided that I just didn't want to know. Today, curiosity got the best of me and I hopped right back on my old nemesis, looked down at the number, and didn't hate myself. (yay me) I think this shows that I am growing as a person. Oh wait. ha. (yup, that too)
I decided to go back to my dieting journal and look back to see how my current weight stacked up against my previously recorded weight. The first numbers I kept were from a diet in February 2006, exactly 6 years ago. My starting weight then was 1.2 pounds less than what I weigh this very minute.  All of these binges and purges and running and walking and diets and falling off the wagon and self loathing and hard work and in 6 years, I have gained 1 pound. (I realistically think I could crap out the .2 pound, so I am rounding here)
In between the first page and the current one, there are many note I have written to myself, goals, plans, promises. Reasons why I am super great just how I am, but why I could be so, SO much better if I just weighed a little (or a lot) less. There are literally tens of pages (I crack myself up) of journaling, logging every bite of food that goes into my mouth and every step I take. It is really interesting for me to look at now, since I am not currently on a food restricted diet. The action plan today is to eat "clean" food and move my body. Good plan. If I can stick to the current rate of 1 pound of weight gain every 6 years, and I live to be 85, I will gain 8 more pounds in my life. If I continue the yoyo route I have been taking the last 6 years, it seems like I will gain and lose the same damn fat that refuses to leave my little body. Maybe I don't need to fight. Maybe I need to love. Make art not war. (making cookies is also always a favorite)
I am thinking of redirecting my journal. Instead of writing about food (which by now, in my book is obviously completely useless) I am going to track amazing moments. Soul food. I could really give a rats ass what I ate Thursday, March 2nd 2006 (but I know every bite). That is the day after my birthday, I wonder what happened that day. Did I laugh (most likely not much, I only ate 1300 calories, no way there was any birthday cake-oh the travesty!) I think I will still record occasional weights just to see how things are going at any time, but the tids and bits surrounding it now will not be low cal snack cakes and carrot sticks, it will be jokes, quips, and stories. I am not only abundantly blessed in this body (see what I did there?...lemonade, people!) I am blessed in every other way as well. Let's keep the focus positive shall we?
Now I will sign out and go live my life, I just know wonderful things will happen today!