the weight

we have been struggling with some diabetes issues as of late, (too many to be comfortable with), the thing that strikes me is the feeling in my heart. It is a heavy weight. I tried to explain it to Alan the other night-but it hard to get the right words to express a feeling. Like love, how could you possibly tell someone how it feels, they won't understand. Or pride or jealously or even bliss. Sometimes there are no words. I love to write-it's what I do, so it is hard for me when words fail, like I have no where to go. It feels like the first time you realized that love could fail-way back in 7th grade when it became clear that the boy of your dreams was really a creep, or when you hear really bad news, or when you lose a friend. It is a heavy leaden lump, and it stays there, with no remedy, and drags you down. You find yourself lying on the floor (it is the only safe place, you can't get hurt there, you can't fall further) until you somehow find the strength to drag yourself up again, and rejoin the fight. It is what you must do, it is your job and honor, but it is so hard. And the weight is so heavy. When it gets late, the darkness is soothing somehow, and I find time to write with a pen on paper, it helps me to move forward, even if the steps are small, it is still forward motion, and this small action helps me remember that I am alive and necessary. Sometimes it gives me courage, but sometimes it just makes me cry until I can fall asleep.
the other night this is how I felt:

all burdens are heavy
but the heaviest ones, it seems
are the burdens that you shoulder for others
self pity is unseemly and unattractive and repellent
and when I think of the loads that others bear
it shames me to think that my lot is heavy and cumbersome
when I know it is but a small piece of what some have to weather
and yet still, the weight is there
and the fear and responsibility
and the reality
it almost seems like too much
but then there is the reward
of a sunny smile or a tight hug
or any number of amazing things
and I know why I have to do it
it is my job, my heart, my love
there are no guarantees but one
and so I continue on
and pray for a miracle
and I am so thankful that my true love is by my side
together we are stronger than either one could be alone
but we can't know if it is enough
we are losing this game
and yet we must go on.
This life is not fair.