bald is beautiful

no, this post isn't about my (extremely) handsome husband, it is about my kids.  They are not bald, but their behavior makes me feel like pulling my own hair out, so soon, I may be.
Parenting is one of those things you can't explain. I can't adequately express to you the feeling of frustration that it gives me when I witness one (amazing, talented) little girl, harass and annoy another (equally as wonderful) little girl. It is especially maddening since I happen to have made them both myself. 
Since I am the adult in this particular scenario, I am also under the obligation of responding with some type of appropriate behavior. I would like to be candid and tell you, that does not usually happen.
When I think back to my childhood, I don't remember much (which I am also banking on to happen with my kids, they can just remember Christmas and Disneyland and everything else can kind of melt away into the abyss) I mostly remember big things like helicopter rides, Marine World, and the chocolate factory (NOT Willy Wonka's). But I also remember my mom being this kind of ethereal adult, that kind of floated along taking care of things, totally in control of herself and the situation.
I know this isn't actually true, because she told me as much, but that is how I remember it. (and it's still how she acts now, all clever and unaffected and champion like. It is possible that it is actually true, and she is just trying to make me feel better. That would totally be a "Mom" way to behave.)
Long story short, it was kind of a rough morning. The girls started in on each other first thing. I got involved. There was drama. (with 2 little girls, there is ALWAYS drama) I could have raised my voice (ok, yeah, that happened) and then we hustled out the door for school.  I hate starting a day this way, so I snuck cute little birdie love notes and stickers into their lunches, and when we were in the car, I apologized to them.  Layla was all strong and silent, and Maggie was smiling and quick to forgive. "It's ok Mama, I love you!"
Here I am still stewing about it, an hour later. Layla probably is too. I think it is important to take a lesson from a 6 year old and learn how to quickly forgive, and also let people know how much we love them.  Silly little disagreements shouldn't shape our days, because pretty soon days become years, and all of the years together, that is our life.
I know that some day the girls will be adults themselves, and be looking to me for answers about things like this. I will tell them that they are amazing, and how much I love them, and have them call my mom.

If not me, then who?

The "meeting" with the little girl (who got spit on) and her mama went as to be expected. That is to say that we were humble, and apologized, and were looking forward to moving on. I sat there quietly while she went on about how the behavior my children have now, can affect people well into adulthood. (um, yeah, so? they happen to be kids, have you heard of it?) Then about how Layla has always behaved this way. (since they have known her, almost 2 years. ps complete BS) and she also went into an area that seemed to me to be questioning my parenting. (really?!) Layla also sat quietly (after giving her sincere apology) with her eyes swollen and red from crying (for reals this time). I thought it went pretty well, I managed my behavior, and learned a couple of valuable lessons: you can't be friends with everyone, and also, sometimes people that look perfectly normal on the outside, are completely bat shit crazy.

Later I was recounting to my mom the way things went and she was appalled. She couldn't believe I just sat there whilst BSC berated my daughter and myself (for no reason). In my mind I was just surviving it, so we could be done. To Mom, we weren't standing up for ourselves or what we thought was right.

My whole life, my mom has been no one to reckon with. She is sometimes severe, and has even been called a bitch. (true story, unbelievable I know) I used to think these were less than complimentary terms, but as an adult I realise that, even though they sound bad, they are just adjectives like any other. I clearly remember a piece of advice that was "Janina, someone always has to be the bitch, and it might as well be you." This my friends, is TRUE information.
I sat in that classroom, letting someone else be the bitch. I let an adult pick on me and my child. I like to think that every negative experience is an opportunity to learn (this way, it's not just a horrible thing that happened, we can also grow from it... yeah) My mom is a strong woman, and always stands up for those that don't have their own voice. I think of myself as a strong woman, but if I see something that I don't think is right, more often I will just let it go and try to not get involved (since that is the easier and more comfortable route to take).

A favorite quote is this "Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed people can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has." (Margaret Mead)

Maybe just surviving isn't enough, if I can't stand up for myself or my children, who can I trust to do so? Being an adult is more than just getting older, it comes with the responsibility of being the voice for those of us who aren't as strong, or able to do it themselves.

I remember once at the mall (cringe), I was probably in high school, we saw a mama (I use the term loosely here, as to me it is a reverent word) yelling at her very small child and grab him by the ear and twist it. We were across the store at the time, and Mom shot over there like she was wearing a jet pack. I remember the feeling right now. I was more than embarrassed, I was mortified. She proceeded to inform the lady that what she was doing was no way to treat a child, and that if she didn't stop immediately, Mom was going to do something about it. (I am trying to melt into the floor at this point) I honestly think before that day, I had never been so humiliated in my life. (possibly never since. probably I have though, and was just too drunk to remember..) Anyway, that memory has stuck in my brain ever since, and I just realized, just a minute ago, my mom is a freaking SUPER HERO. I would have died a little inside seeing a child treated in that way, but I think I would have not gotten involved. I'm sure it was uncomfortable for her too, but she felt convicted, and knew that if she didn't stand up for that little boy, right then, no one would do it.

I think maybe bitch is a synonym for strong, or maybe even badass (neither of which are negative terms). As an adult now, I realise that it takes guts to be strong, it is far from easy, and there is always a fight. If I was ever to tangle with anyone, Mom would be the first person I would pick to be on my team. Damn right she's a bitch. Someone has to be. Lesson learned. (also, now that she has moved me to action, she will be the one I call to post my bail.) Thanks MOM!!!

ps, new favorite quote: "Well behaved women seldom make history."  indeed.

It's me!

you might not recognise me though, since I have lost 21 pounds!! (don't worry, I won't steal your man...on purpose) I like to think it is because I have been so good at cutting back on portions, and making good food choices, and literally running and sweating my ass off in hot yoga, but maybe it's because I do not have a free moment in a day to just sit down. Either way, I'll take it for now, and later when I pass out from exhaustion, maybe work something else out. (if it ain't broke..)
I have also been completely dominating the field in homeschooling lately, and, um, I guess that's all.
I had an epiphany recently, life is like juggling. You can, at any one time, keep a couple, or maybe if you are really good, a few balls in the air. If you do nothing else, you can hone your skills and eventually people can throw extra balls at you, that you can manage with ease and make everyone wonder how you do it. I however, never even learned to juggle, so I am pretty much screwed. I am trying here, really I am, but my manual dexterity is questionable, and that, combined with my lack of grace, and my propensity for distraction, makes the whole thing kind of almost impossible. My balls (haha-balls!) are currently: 1) getting myself healthier and 2) home school. I am ROCKING these. I Guess I can juggle after all. (when there aren't actual balls involved, apparently I can figure it out.)(haha-balls) I can do these 2 things. Never mind that my house is a mess, my car is out of gas, and I can't remember what my husband looks like. (lucky for me, Alan has had decades of practice cleaning up after me-literally and figuratively) so he doesn't even notice a difference except that I have a few less chins now. And he likes it. Everybody's a winner.
In other news, I am going to Mexico for my birthday. We are leaving in a month, I think I will start packing. My mom is coming to stay with the girls, and will probably juggle my stuff, add 12 more things, and set them all on fire whilst riding a unicycle. Moms are magical, how do they do that? Shit! Am I supposed to do be able to pull that off some day?! I need a nap.