I broke the scale. Well, the batteries died a long long time ago and I never put new ones in, I decided that I just didn't want to know. Today, curiosity got the best of me and I hopped right back on my old nemesis, looked down at the number, and didn't hate myself. (yay me) I think this shows that I am growing as a person. Oh wait. ha. (yup, that too)
I decided to go back to my dieting journal and look back to see how my current weight stacked up against my previously recorded weight. The first numbers I kept were from a diet in February 2006, exactly 6 years ago. My starting weight then was 1.2 pounds less than what I weigh this very minute. All of these binges and purges and running and walking and diets and falling off the wagon and self loathing and hard work and in 6 years, I have gained 1 pound. (I realistically think I could crap out the .2 pound, so I am rounding here)
In between the first page and the current one, there are many note I have written to myself, goals, plans, promises. Reasons why I am super great just how I am, but why I could be so, SO much better if I just weighed a little (or a lot) less. There are literally tens of pages (I crack myself up) of journaling, logging every bite of food that goes into my mouth and every step I take. It is really interesting for me to look at now, since I am not currently on a food restricted diet. The action plan today is to eat "clean" food and move my body. Good plan. If I can stick to the current rate of 1 pound of weight gain every 6 years, and I live to be 85, I will gain 8 more pounds in my life. If I continue the yoyo route I have been taking the last 6 years, it seems like I will gain and lose the same damn fat that refuses to leave my little body. Maybe I don't need to fight. Maybe I need to love. Make art not war. (making cookies is also always a favorite)
I am thinking of redirecting my journal. Instead of writing about food (which by now, in my book is obviously completely useless) I am going to track amazing moments. Soul food. I could really give a rats ass what I ate Thursday, March 2nd 2006 (but I know every bite). That is the day after my birthday, I wonder what happened that day. Did I laugh (most likely not much, I only ate 1300 calories, no way there was any birthday cake-oh the travesty!) I think I will still record occasional weights just to see how things are going at any time, but the tids and bits surrounding it now will not be low cal snack cakes and carrot sticks, it will be jokes, quips, and stories. I am not only abundantly blessed in this body (see what I did there?...lemonade, people!) I am blessed in every other way as well. Let's keep the focus positive shall we?
Now I will sign out and go live my life, I just know wonderful things will happen today!
Showing posts with label diet wars. Show all posts
Showing posts with label diet wars. Show all posts
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
back to school
every year (for the last 3 so far anyway) the back to school season makes me think of the bad Adam Sandler movie "Billy Madison," and more specifically this scene.
I can't start getting school ready without this silly song getting stuck in my head. (and feeling an almost desparate craving for snack packs) The worst part is, I don't know any of the other words of the song after "Back to school," and it must be sung the same goofy way as Adam does it. The result is me walking around sounding like an idiot singing the same 3 words over and over again. I have actually made up quite a few of my own verses just to break up the monotony. (and they are pretty good too, if I do say so myself, clever words rhyming with school are kind of tricky to come up with)
Anyway, it is back to school time for us, or rather, back in school, since we don't really go anywhere for a while. We are taking lots of creative classes this year (read as: classes I don't have to teach, where the girls get to learn things I don't know, and we get to be away from each other for an hour at a time-YIPPEE!) We are all really looking forward to classes starting, but are finding ways of keeping busy and schoolish until we get to move on to more exciting things.
Layla will be starting second grade this year and my baby will be in kindergarten. Somehow this seems kind of like a big deal to me. I feel torn between relief that they are finally growing up and, um, nope, that's it I guess. I thought for a minute it would be a little sad, having my baby officially a grade schooler, but I am doing ok for now. (let me remind you that school hasn't technically started for us yet-tomorrow is our first day, so I reserve the right to change my mind and get all freaky and hormonal over it in the next few weeks, or year, or you know, ever.)
We have had a fantastic fun filled summer, and besides my tomato bushes being loaded with giant green tomatoes, and the onset of fall without a single one making it to ripeness (pause for breath-phew!) I am ready for fall to make it's appearance.
We have made lots of jam with fruit we picked (and local honey-mmm) and are planning to make some applesauce soon, our new classes are very exciting, and it is always fun to meet new friends and learn new things. I am ready to get back to our days having some kind of schedule and consistency, I am NOT looking forward to the early mornings, but have some fun and yummy breakfast and snack ideas. (leave it to me to use food as my motivator)
Speaking of that, I thought I would follow up the "IlovemyselfIamadandelion" post with a bout of I hate being jiggly self loathing, (oops) so today is the start of a new diet. Let's not call it that though if you please. I would much prefer, "days of delicious breakfast shakes (and another for lunch, and a sensible dinner)" instead, because somehow, that sounds less daunting and more manageable. Actually, instead of sensible dinner, let's say mouthwatering, wonderful dinner, just a bit less than I want to have because I am watching portion sizes, or something like that. You know, to keep morale high. I am carefully choosing some motivational items (read as: amazing things I want to buy on the internet but don't have a good reason to justify the purchase) to reward myself when I reach goals. (goal today, do NOT eat my weight in chocolate, or chips...let's start small, so we don't get set up for immediate failure) It is currently almost 3 o'clock and I still get 2 more shakes and a yummy dinner. I am feeling pretty good! I see new earrings in my near future!
ps-I will take some first of school pictures and share them soon, maybe this weekend when we go to the Rogue Valley. It is currently raining here, so we are stuck inside and look a little crazed (I think the cabin fever is sinking in-NOT good since it is just the beginning of the dark seasons!) not a good look for pictures (although, probably more realistic-ha!)
I can't start getting school ready without this silly song getting stuck in my head. (and feeling an almost desparate craving for snack packs) The worst part is, I don't know any of the other words of the song after "Back to school," and it must be sung the same goofy way as Adam does it. The result is me walking around sounding like an idiot singing the same 3 words over and over again. I have actually made up quite a few of my own verses just to break up the monotony. (and they are pretty good too, if I do say so myself, clever words rhyming with school are kind of tricky to come up with)
Anyway, it is back to school time for us, or rather, back in school, since we don't really go anywhere for a while. We are taking lots of creative classes this year (read as: classes I don't have to teach, where the girls get to learn things I don't know, and we get to be away from each other for an hour at a time-YIPPEE!) We are all really looking forward to classes starting, but are finding ways of keeping busy and schoolish until we get to move on to more exciting things.
Layla will be starting second grade this year and my baby will be in kindergarten. Somehow this seems kind of like a big deal to me. I feel torn between relief that they are finally growing up and, um, nope, that's it I guess. I thought for a minute it would be a little sad, having my baby officially a grade schooler, but I am doing ok for now. (let me remind you that school hasn't technically started for us yet-tomorrow is our first day, so I reserve the right to change my mind and get all freaky and hormonal over it in the next few weeks, or year, or you know, ever.)
We have had a fantastic fun filled summer, and besides my tomato bushes being loaded with giant green tomatoes, and the onset of fall without a single one making it to ripeness (pause for breath-phew!) I am ready for fall to make it's appearance.
We have made lots of jam with fruit we picked (and local honey-mmm) and are planning to make some applesauce soon, our new classes are very exciting, and it is always fun to meet new friends and learn new things. I am ready to get back to our days having some kind of schedule and consistency, I am NOT looking forward to the early mornings, but have some fun and yummy breakfast and snack ideas. (leave it to me to use food as my motivator)
Speaking of that, I thought I would follow up the "IlovemyselfIamadandelion" post with a bout of I hate being jiggly self loathing, (oops) so today is the start of a new diet. Let's not call it that though if you please. I would much prefer, "days of delicious breakfast shakes (and another for lunch, and a sensible dinner)" instead, because somehow, that sounds less daunting and more manageable. Actually, instead of sensible dinner, let's say mouthwatering, wonderful dinner, just a bit less than I want to have because I am watching portion sizes, or something like that. You know, to keep morale high. I am carefully choosing some motivational items (read as: amazing things I want to buy on the internet but don't have a good reason to justify the purchase) to reward myself when I reach goals. (goal today, do NOT eat my weight in chocolate, or chips...let's start small, so we don't get set up for immediate failure) It is currently almost 3 o'clock and I still get 2 more shakes and a yummy dinner. I am feeling pretty good! I see new earrings in my near future!
ps-I will take some first of school pictures and share them soon, maybe this weekend when we go to the Rogue Valley. It is currently raining here, so we are stuck inside and look a little crazed (I think the cabin fever is sinking in-NOT good since it is just the beginning of the dark seasons!) not a good look for pictures (although, probably more realistic-ha!)
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