just for me

My blog is private  now. When I went to work at the Academy, I decided that it was not in my best interest for my students to be able to see my insides, so I shut it down. Since then, it has stayed quiet. Now it is just for me.
Writing is therapy for me, it is my thoughts outside of my head, so I can remember them, experience them again later. Some things are wonderful to see again, some things are painful, but they are all real things, that I have been through, that have brought me to where I am, the person I am today. We are only the culmination of our experience, and what we motivate to act on.  We are not inherently good or bad, we just are. We have control to change our path or continue further in the direction we are headed, it is simply about the choices we make.
Today I am proud. And humble. It is Martin Luther King Jr. Day. It makes my heart feel like bursting to know that there was once a man as great as him. I feel encouraged to do my best, incite change and be brave in the face of adversity.  Change starts with me, I believe this to be true.
 Today I had a talk with Layla about being kind, and I feel like my parenting is really starting to go in a  way I am proud of. I have struggled greatly for many years with this. One one hand, I wanted to make sure my girls are thankful and humble, and on the other hand I want to give them them everything they desire in this world. Everything  I desired for them. My beautiful girls are finally at an age where they can listen and understand. They can participate in a conversation and understand the benefits or detriments of their choices. There is no longer yelling and frustration, but honest, open dialogue about how our choices affect others. (I know the teen years await me, and I am hoping I can keep a solid grasp on my own behavior. Fingers crossed)
I am also trying to lead by example and making good choices myself. Today I went to the gym alone and swam for 30 minutes. It wasn't fast and it wasn't pretty, but I did it. I wasn't sure I could drag my ass out of the pool afterwards, and when I did, I thought I was going to puke. (I didn't)
One day at a time. There is not a day that we can't make better, even if it's just a little. Words matter, actions matter, I matter.
Be the change you want to see in the world. I want my girls to be a reflection of me. I want all of us to be good and happy and kind. I want it to be contagious.


“If I cannot do great things, I can do small things in a great way.” – Martin Luther King, Jr.

Mag-nificent

7 years ago this morning, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. She was absolutely perfect in every way. She was all pink and cuddly, never cried, and seemed content to just sit back and watch the world happen around her. She also scared the shit out of me, and I wasn't entirely sure that I would be able to take care of her once we left the hospital.

When Maggie was born, Alan cried. He held her close, and told me how awesome she was. I was not interested in holding her, I was apparently impervious to her baby charms (unlike Alan. softy) and beyond that, I was afraid that I might never be able to love her. (the postpartum brain is a scary thing indeed)

This my friends, is the shit they never tell you about in your baby readiness classes. Not that we took any the second time around anyway, but it would have been helpful information to have. When Layla came, I remember how joyful I felt, and how amazing the experience was. I was floating on bliss. It was better than anything that had happened in my entire life. Ever. This time I just felt overwhelmed. I was in over my head, and not nearly qualified for the position I now held. Who the fuck thought this was a good idea?!

Well, that feeling lasted approximately 17 minutes before she cast her spell on me, and made me her biggest fan. She's powerful like that. From day one, She was happy to just be with us, never asking to be the center, never needing extra (which is great, since I didn't have any extra to give), just always easy with a smile and ready to give love. Maggie never even went through the "terrible twos", she sailed through that age with grace and poise (thank goodness, since Layla was still in the thick of it even at 4!). I couldn't have asked for a more perfect addition to our family.

Probably the thing I love most about my little girl is her free spirit. She is uninhibited, carefree, and hilarious. To this day, she refuses to wear clothes unless we are "going out", she says anything that matches make her feel weary, she finds the humor in everyday situations, and enjoys life. She makes me laugh every day. Every single day.

I always say that it's a good thing we aren't in charge of everything, because if it was up to me, with our situation, and timing, and circumstance, I would most likely have decided against having a second baby. But when I look into her big, blue, laughing eyes, I believe in God. Maggie is good medicine, and most days I think she saved me. Go figure. 　

4 year old Maggie. Admit it, you love her too.

reality

I broke the scale. Well, the batteries died a long long time ago and I never put new ones in, I decided that I just didn't want to know. Today, curiosity got the best of me and I hopped right back on my old nemesis, looked down at the number, and didn't hate myself. (yay me) I think this shows that I am growing as a person. Oh wait. ha. (yup, that too)
I decided to go back to my dieting journal and look back to see how my current weight stacked up against my previously recorded weight. The first numbers I kept were from a diet in February 2006, exactly 6 years ago. My starting weight then was 1.2 pounds less than what I weigh this very minute.  All of these binges and purges and running and walking and diets and falling off the wagon and self loathing and hard work and in 6 years, I have gained 1 pound. (I realistically think I could crap out the .2 pound, so I am rounding here)
In between the first page and the current one, there are many note I have written to myself, goals, plans, promises. Reasons why I am super great just how I am, but why I could be so, SO much better if I just weighed a little (or a lot) less. There are literally tens of pages (I crack myself up) of journaling, logging every bite of food that goes into my mouth and every step I take. It is really interesting for me to look at now, since I am not currently on a food restricted diet. The action plan today is to eat "clean" food and move my body. Good plan. If I can stick to the current rate of 1 pound of weight gain every 6 years, and I live to be 85, I will gain 8 more pounds in my life. If I continue the yoyo route I have been taking the last 6 years, it seems like I will gain and lose the same damn fat that refuses to leave my little body. Maybe I don't need to fight. Maybe I need to love. Make art not war. (making cookies is also always a favorite)
I am thinking of redirecting my journal. Instead of writing about food (which by now, in my book is obviously completely useless) I am going to track amazing moments. Soul food. I could really give a rats ass what I ate Thursday, March 2nd 2006 (but I know every bite). That is the day after my birthday, I wonder what happened that day. Did I laugh (most likely not much, I only ate 1300 calories, no way there was any birthday cake-oh the travesty!) I think I will still record occasional weights just to see how things are going at any time, but the tids and bits surrounding it now will not be low cal snack cakes and carrot sticks, it will be jokes, quips, and stories. I am not only abundantly blessed in this body (see what I did there?...lemonade, people!) I am blessed in every other way as well. Let's keep the focus positive shall we?
Now I will sign out and go live my life, I just know wonderful things will happen today!

actual conversation

Me: "I can't get a job, I am taking a break!" (imagine lots more words, and whining and high levels of drama for no good reason)

Alan: "You already have a job, it's BEING AWESOME!"

Of course I had to stop my minor melt down to laugh, especially because I think he was being serious.
And this is why, after 15 plus years, we are still hanging tough.  He has a soft spot for chubby little spunky nut jobs. 
HA! Advantage me.

eat your vegetables

Today at the market some kind gentle fellow tried to pick me up! (well, in my mind he did anyway, that's pretty much exactly the same as reality)
Whilst pondering the sweet red peppers, a handsome man (ok, it was the produce clerk) asked if I needed anything. (maybe I looked overwhelmed by the choices? Sorry to disappoint, but confused, frazzled mom is my standard look.) I let him know that I was just fine, thank you.  He then put his hand on my shoulder and said "My God, you have an amazing smile, thank you so much for sharing it with me today!!" (he wasn't a senior citizen or anything, and this is a completely true story) Of course it made me giggle, (WHO TALKS LIKE THAT!?) so probably I looked like a complete frog, but whatever, I don't even care because it made my day. Two aisles later I got picked up in the bulk bins section. (possibly it was  another worker from that section.....and the employees are just really helpful there)
Hell yes I overpay for produce, what's your point?

getting shit done (or what else vodka is good for)

Today I made my own deodorant. I have been buying one I really like on etsy for a while and wanted to make my own. I googled her ingredients and found a recipe (that I love). This works amazingly well, has all natural ingredients, and will keep you smelling sweet. yay! It is a pit cream, you have to put about a pea sized amount on your finger and rub it into your pits. It is not an antiperspirant, (you have sweat glands there, they have a job to do, let them do it) it just helps you to remain fresh smelling, whilst your amazing body is doing it's job.

natural pit cream

1/2 Cup coconut oil
3 Tbsp. beeswax (or cocoa butter)
3 Tbsp. baking soda
1/4 C arrowroot powder (or cornstarch)
3-4 drops essential oil (I used about 8 drops of lavender, clove and tea tree are also nice-all are antimicrobial, but please be careful with essential oils, they are very concentrated and can be harmful if not used correctly. Start small, less is more)

melt coconut oil and beeswax in pan. Whisk in powders. Add essential oils.  Pour into container of choice. (this will make about 1 cup of cream, mason jars work great!)

AND

Layla bought me a 1oz atomizer of lavender spray at the farmers market this summer when we were in Cali. I have been using it as a body spray and just love it. I am getting more and more sensitive to scents, and can only tolerate the lightest natural scents anymore. I just ran out and made my own replacement.

Lavender floral water

I used one cup of water and one cup of dried lavender blossoms. I boiled the water and then added the flowers, and let it steep. (think lavender tea) I let it mingle for a few hours,strained it through a coffee filter, and added a few drops of lavender essential oil.  Next, I added a Tbsp. of vodka. (the essential oil and the alcohol are preservatives, so it won't get funky on me) I refilled my atomizer and am good to go! The liquid I ended up with was probably about 1/3 cup, so I also got a 2oz refill bottle full from this one batch. I will keep the extra in the fridge to extend it's life.  This is a beautiful spray, light and grassy, it doesn't wear or last like perfume, but that is great with me.  It can also be used as a sheet spray or room spray. Love it!

6 inch tall toilets (or the day I started my period in 1st grade)

Today started all well and good, with an early morning trip to Krispy Kreme. It was Layla's birthday treat choice to take to class, and I was more than happy to get them for her (since it meant no cupcake making duty for me). I left the store with 31 donuts and a cup full of donut holes. Yup, that ought to do it.
I had lunch with Layla and then headed over to the primary school to luncheon with my very favorite first grader.
Side note: I have been bitchy and lame this week, kind of a key to pending events, but ignoring symptoms and soldiering on, I continue to be the best wife and mom of all time. (yeah, the part before the first comma is all true)
I sign in and get my numbered "visitor" badge at the office, (very official) and decide it would be best if I take a little trip to the restroom before I head to Maggie's class. I find the largest stall and take it. I notice that the toilet is made for someone about the size of a hobbit or perhaps a leprechaun. If you are any bigger than that (or say, have an ass the size of a full grown adult human) these "facilities" are going to be a little less than ideal. I then notice that the toilet paper is 1 ply and SEE THROUGH! Seriously?! Oh, you have got to be F*ing KIDDING me! Taking stock of the situation, I also see that there is nary a garbage can in sight. (of course not) At this exact moment, a sweet, tiny pixie enters the only other stall. She is singing. Of course she is. And she sounds like an animated chipmunk. (kill me now)  I wait for her get done with her business. (holy hell 5 year olds take their sweet time in the can!)
So I wait. And wait. and finally, she leaves.
I get to leave with my respect. Phew.
I also got to stand on a huge stool to wash my hands, which was pretty cool.
I had lunch with Mags and guess what? Car full of Krispy Kreme when I was done. Booyah!

Later.........
I made a double batch of brownie bites, and all 5 DOZEN of them stuck in the pans (so they aren't going anywhere). It's like the universe is speaking to me. And petting my hair. I do believe I will change into my stretchy pants now.

Cheers!

I love a new year.  It is all bright and shiny still, nothing horrible has happened yet, it has no baggage.  I love the idea of getting a fresh start.  2011 wasn't particularly bad to me, but still, I am looking very forward to greeting the new times that lay ahead. There is something about taking down the old, marked up calender, and replacing it with a clean new one. It feels fresh and open, like anything can happen.
 Resolutions are fun, even if they only last a few days. Hopefully mine will stick around a little longer, I have resolved to take myself less seriously, and remember to enjoy the journey. I need to be better about learning to say no sometimes, and also allowing myself to say yes to the things that matter most to me. I want to be healthy and happy and be my very best self. I have nothing with a particular goal or number, so I am guessing that my odds are already higher than most.
 A good friend proclaimed to me that this was the year she was going to reclaim herself. What a fantastic idea. I think I shall try my best to do the same.  I'm not sure exactly what that entails at the moment, but I like the idea of it very much, and am anxious to see if the person I think I am, even faintly resembles the real me at all.  A year of giving, a year of thanks, a year of learning and growing, a year of joy! Here's to two thousand and twelve, may it be full of magic, and may every day be even a tiny bit more wonderful than the one before it.

and in this scenario, where magic = mini chocolate chips, I give you what makes today even better than yesterday:

Cake for one
get a custard cup or mug
put in
2 Tbsp flour
3/4-1 Tbsp sugar (to taste)
1/4 tsp baking powder
1/8 tsp salt
1/4 tsp vanilla (I like the vanilla powder, apparently the extract is flammable, which I think sounds pretty fancy, but keep an eye on it when you cook it. FLAMBE!)
3/4 Tbsp oil (coconut is awesome, butter, whatever you like)
2 Tbsp milk
optional stir ins: nuts/mini chips/sprinkles/1 tbsp cocoa powder
stir it up real good
nuke it for a minute. frost it if you want. Eat it all. Don't share.

This is really amazing, especially with mini chocolate chips. It is around 150 calories with no stir ins (same as a twinkie!)  and is literally ready in less than 3 minutes.  Late night snacking has just been resolutionized. TAADAA! Welcome to the new year.

inner space

Maggie: What is the name of that inappropriate planet again?

Layla: Uranus.

Maggie: oh yeah. haha.

And then they just kept right on playing with teeny tiny plastic frogs. Kids are cool.

thankful for

my life, my love, my health and my sense of humor. I feel mixed about the way time has taken to flying recently, it makes things all frantic and jumbled, but it is making Christmas come much faster, so I am excited about that.
Merry Christmas, hope you enjoy the magic of the holiday season.

what's not to love?

Today I am thankful for warm breakfast. I have never been a big cold cereal fan (except sometimes count chocula as a midnight snack), I take my breakfast warm. Savory breakfasts are my favorite, but I also really love muffins (as if you didn't know). I made these this morning expecting a friend to join me. I ended up breakfasting alone, but since the muffins are so amazing, I didn't even mind. My family will also be thankful when they get home, these are more like a cake dessert, but we can just call them muffins so they don't carry the guilt of breakfast cake.

Coconut Almond Muffins
1 Cup flour
1/2 cup sugar (you can use a little less, these are pretty sweet for me)
1-1/4 tsp baking powder
1/4 tsp salt
1 egg
1/2 cup sour cream
1/4 C melted butter (I use coconut oil)
1/4 tsp almond extract
1/2 Cup flaked coconut
1/4 cup chocolate chips (i love the minis)
1/4 Cup sliced almonds

*in a bowl combine flour, sugar, baking powder and salt. In another bowl whisk the egg, sour cream, butter and extract. Stir into dry ingredients just until moist. (dough will be very thick) Fold in coconut and chocolate chips.
*using a 1/4 cup, fill muffin cups. Sprinkle with almonds and a little extra sugar if you'd like.  Bake at 375* for 18-20 minutes or until tops are golden and a toothpick comes out clean.
Makes about 9 muffins.
These could win a ribbon at the fair, but since I'm not into that, they will just win a place in my heart. These muffins will impress people, make them.
You're welcome.

there's always December!

 It is popular in November to be thankful each day for something that makes your life awesome. It is also popular to share these wonderful things via some form of electronic media. Please hear me when I say that I am, indeed, thankful, and I am also pleased that you are. It does get a little cloying though by the end of the month. Like apple juice. F'ing apple juice.  It is so sweet, I want to love it, but I just can't in my deep down heart. (it doesn't even really taste like apples does it?)
Anyway, because I am a big fan of being ironic, and also because I am actually very blessed, I decided to hitch my ass to the wagon. (You KNOW I don't jump. 40 pounds of boobs are not conducive to flying into the air of my own accord)
I saw a post about being grateful in December (every day, which of course is very different than being thankful every damn day in November. Come on people.) The point (in case you are thick) is to focus on the good, and not the stress and ridiculousness of the commercialization of the holidays. (ok, maybe that is just what I think it means, feel free to think for yourself here. Please. Really)
So, in the spirit of gratefulness, I am going to share some things that I am thankful for. (Probably not daily, because let's just be honest here, commitment to any daily task isn't really my gig. If this was a project that involved large amounts of butter or napping it would have a fighting chance.)

The first thing I am thankful for is kind of amazing, but I promise you it is true. (I only tell the truth, it's just my way) So, if you know me, you know that the Janina fan club includes 1 member of Alan's family. It is Alan. I somehow brainwashed him in the early 90s without the use of any (good) forms of sex, drugs or rock and roll (still all true) and yet, 20 years later, he is still here. Amazing, I know. For some reason (or most likely loads of them) the rest of his family hasn't fallen for me yet. This has been a huge stumbling block for me for most of my life. I just can't quite accept that the family of man that I love more than my life, just can't like me. Ouch.
And then I got a facebook friend request. It was from Alan's Uncle Earl. Why me? Really? Fine, whatever. Friends indeed. Except, (and here's the lesson kids) he isn't anything like I expected him to be. Shame on me! Uncle Earl is a gay democrat, and from what I gather, he is also a retired ice dancer!!! Shut the front door! (I KNOW!  a DEMOCRAT in Alan's family! wow. Mind=blown)
Anyway, the thing I am grateful for today is discovering a kinship with a member of my family in-law. Better late than never I say. Now that Uncle Earl and I are going to be buds, I am kind of figuring out why they have kept us a secret from each other all of these years. It has a little to do with possible world domination, but you didn't hear it from me...

bald is beautiful

no, this post isn't about my (extremely) handsome husband, it is about my kids.  They are not bald, but their behavior makes me feel like pulling my own hair out, so soon, I may be.
Parenting is one of those things you can't explain. I can't adequately express to you the feeling of frustration that it gives me when I witness one (amazing, talented) little girl, harass and annoy another (equally as wonderful) little girl. It is especially maddening since I happen to have made them both myself. 
Since I am the adult in this particular scenario, I am also under the obligation of responding with some type of appropriate behavior. I would like to be candid and tell you, that does not usually happen.
When I think back to my childhood, I don't remember much (which I am also banking on to happen with my kids, they can just remember Christmas and Disneyland and everything else can kind of melt away into the abyss) I mostly remember big things like helicopter rides, Marine World, and the chocolate factory (NOT Willy Wonka's). But I also remember my mom being this kind of ethereal adult, that kind of floated along taking care of things, totally in control of herself and the situation.
I know this isn't actually true, because she told me as much, but that is how I remember it. (and it's still how she acts now, all clever and unaffected and champion like. It is possible that it is actually true, and she is just trying to make me feel better. That would totally be a "Mom" way to behave.)
Long story short, it was kind of a rough morning. The girls started in on each other first thing. I got involved. There was drama. (with 2 little girls, there is ALWAYS drama) I could have raised my voice (ok, yeah, that happened) and then we hustled out the door for school.  I hate starting a day this way, so I snuck cute little birdie love notes and stickers into their lunches, and when we were in the car, I apologized to them.  Layla was all strong and silent, and Maggie was smiling and quick to forgive. "It's ok Mama, I love you!"
Here I am still stewing about it, an hour later. Layla probably is too. I think it is important to take a lesson from a 6 year old and learn how to quickly forgive, and also let people know how much we love them.  Silly little disagreements shouldn't shape our days, because pretty soon days become years, and all of the years together, that is our life.
I know that some day the girls will be adults themselves, and be looking to me for answers about things like this. I will tell them that they are amazing, and how much I love them, and have them call my mom.

yay me!

Not long ago I went to a little hippie workshop, and got a lot of guilt for things I should/could be doing better around the house. Prepared food, plastic products, etc. Yeah, yeah, I freaking already know, leave me alone ok?! Well, she also told me that by choosing my $4 mocha at Starbucks, I was not only pretty much funding the Saudi oil czars, but also slash burning like 400 million square football fields of rain forest with each sip. Ouch. You know how I love me some rain forest.
I immediately came home and finished up all of my Starbucks via packets (oh, how I love thee) in the interests of the tarsier. I went and got a bag of organic french roast coffee beans out of my pantry and made the change to french pressed straight away.  This was the big change that I made after the workshop. Yay me.  I also switched to organic half and half instead of my very favorite almond joy coffee mate (that makes me happy on the inside and the outside). I am not going to lie, I wasn't happy about the creamer. Yes, I know it's made of crap and chemicals and I can't pronounce half of the ingredients. I KNOW! But it's yummy and coconutty and I love it.
After a few days of good (not great) coffee, I decided that I was going to have to make my own coffee creamer. Bold, I know. I googled a bit, and thought about it, and got to work. I would now like to share with you my amazing recipe.
Janina's organic kick ass coffee mate
(makes you happy on the inside AND the outside, and also saves your body and helps save the rain forest for the tarsiers and bonobos)
1 can organic coconut milk
1 can organic sweetened condensed milk
1/2 cup organic (Equal Exchange) drinking chocolate
1 tsp. pure almond extract
put the milks in pan, warm it up, add the chocolate, stir it up real good. When it steams, take it off the heat and stir in the almond extract.  Put it in a glass jar and keep it in the fridge.  I imagine it will be kind of like pudding when it gets all the way cooled, so be sure to have an opening where you can get at it with a spoon.
Enjoy!

Also, just so we are clear, I am never (NEVER) giving up paper towels, I love them, and they are handy. Or toilet paper. Or shampoo. (the list goes on) I do promise to do my best, and be a good steward of the earth while I am a guest here, and to only go to Starbucks when it's an emergency.
Also, I wouldn't mind a homeless, orphan, tiny, baby bonobo for Christmas. (Just in case Santa reads this)

in real life

Since the days have been darker and colder and wetter, the kids are now allowed to participate in more electronic media. They always love to play wii and watch tv, but in the spring and summer, the answer is usually no.  Now that sending them outside to play isn't always an option, the no's have slowly transitioned into yes. The girls are beyond thrilled, I have parental guilt. And on and on it goes.
This morning Layla is playing Super Mario Brothers and as usual, there is complete domination happening on screen, while Mags (her ever faithful cheerleader) is yipping and dancing in the background. I think she is the coach, since she keeps barking out instructions. "GET THE TUBE!" "DUCK!" "WATCH FOR THAT FLOWER!" I have no idea what they are doing, but listening is really fantastic, and I like how they can both participate without both of them actually playing the video game.
In a wonderful example of play imitating real life, I just overheard this discussion:
"Oh please Layla, don't kill them, they are so so cute!!"
"I don't want to kill them, but they are EVIL!"
"Just let them be....CUUUTTTEE!!"
"Listen up, they are going to kill me. They are evil, I have to get them first!"
"But. They. Are. SOOOOOOOOOOO CUTE!"
(haha, I have had this exact same conversation with Alan lots of times, although it isn't about flying frogs in video games)
Then, without a thought, she totally annihilated them all. It makes the decisions easier when there is a rule book. Unfortunately, parenting doesn't come with one, but if it did, I'm sure #1 would be DON'T KILL THE CUTE THINGS.
Sometimes, you just gotta laugh.

joke of the day

Maggie: What is brown and sticky?
me: ?
Maggie: A STICK!!!

this is (of course) my new very favorite joke.

big girl pants

so I think that funny people are all kind of fucked up. Seriously, with a few exceptions, everyone that I know who is pee your pants funny, is also kind of, well, mental too.  If you haven't noticed, I am pretty funny...

I have spent a while being depressed.  It isn't a choice, it is an affliction.  It is nasty, like an infection and spreads if your not careful, so that soon it is all over you, and hard to recover from.  It's not contagious, but the people around you certainly suffer when you have it. Lucky for me, the people around me are completely awesome, and love me even harder when I am horrible, so in the end everything will turn out ok. I know this to be true, and it is one of the things that keeps me going.  The other is that I have been through it before. I know that sometime, it will be over, and I can be happy again. Maybe not today, but if I keep waking up, and going through the motions for long enough, one day, things will be better.
Also if I eat mass amounts of deep fat fried food and ice cream, that will help. and vodka. (ok, well maybe help isn't really the right word-but it certainly passes the time)
Until that day, I will pull up my big girl pants and deal. (they are made of fleece and have polar bears on them, just so you can get a proper visual) and most likely fuzzy socks too. and chocolate. (wonder if I could pull another last minute trip to Mexico out of it..too much? yeah, I kind of thought so too. Wonder what the time frame on that is?)

As always, Maggie has perfect timing.  I just got this. Thanks for the reminder sweetie girl.xo

 Let's do this.

face lift

I played around on the blog for a while today to change things up a bit.  I want to put my own picture in the back ground, but I am all on my own with figuring these things out, so for now, it is this.
I also tried to track down "Travis" on Facebook, just to see if he was anything like I remembered.  It took a short amount of time (pretty amazing really, since I couldn't remember-or didn't ever know-his last name, or the last name of the friend that introduced us) I think I found a pretty good candidate, and he looks NOTHING like my memory. (you know, since it may or may not even be him) Ha. Life is funny like that.  The Travis I found has a wife and a daughter, and a whole entire story of his own. It's funny how that happens, life just goes on for everyone.  I bet he doesn't even remember me. Anyway, he (like me) has gained some weight, is happily married, and (not like me) is covered in tatts. Looks like it worked out for everyone.  I love a story with a happy ending. (even when it includes a little internet stalking. oops)

my own advice

Well, things have changed swiftly around here lately. Both of the girls are now enrolled in public school, and I am working on opening a little gift shop with a new friend.  I don't know (yet) if it is actually something amazing, but it is keeping me very busy, and the girls are loving school, so it seems like a really nice fit for us for now.
(que flashback)
Once, when I was much younger, and ridiculously cuter (wish I had a picture, it would be my profile on facebook for sure) I met a boy. His name was Travis, and he was dreamy. I mean, not of this world good looking. And charming, and funny. We hung out for one day and fell in love. (love might not be quite the right word for it) anyway, he asked me to marry him and made me all kinds of promises for the future. Man, he was cute. (and he could wear some jeans!) We spent the evening laying in the tall grass, holding hands, looking at the stars and whispering things. We had one day. It was 100% innocent and sweet.  I never saw him again. Nothing exciting or tragic happened (too bad, I could have sold the screen play) but it has always left me with a feeling of "what if."  
(back to reality)
I have always wanted to have a shop, and this opportunity was handed to me, so I decided to take the leap.  I am a lucky girl to be sure, and also quite clever some days. I decided that if something unlikely (and beautiful and amazing) is handed to me, it would be foolish to turn it down. I have a fun, sweet memory, and a wonderful husband who I adore (who also happens to blindingly support my silly ideas) and now I will also have a real life shop.  I thought for a minute about calling it Travis, but decided it would require too much explaining, and also probably extra marketing, so it is called Whim.  Much better I think, and still captures the feeling I have about it.
Perfect.

I was right.

I usually am.

There were so many amazing things this time (as always). I swam in the warm cyan waters of the Pacific, with brightly colored tropical fishes, I ate so many wonderful meals, with tastes that don't even exist here, and enjoyed beautiful, soft sand beaches that most people only ever read about. Mexico makes me wish that I could process more, feel more, enjoy more, and remember it all. It is a sad truth that almost immediately, the sharp edge of the moment is dulled by the next experience that follows closely behind it. It is wonderful and tragic all at once. There are so many shades of light that dance across the endless horizon, aromas that gently play around the edge of your consciousness, memories so wonderful yet gentle, that you can't quite be sure they actually happened once they are gone.

So many things in life just can't be adequately expressed with words, and yet, if we don't write them down, we will certainly have already lost them.
I got to hold a tiny sea turtle baby on the day it was hatched. It was about 2 inches long and very, very strong. I held it in sand covered hands, and then set it down on the beach, to try and make it's way to the ocean. The guide told us that 1 out of 1000 baby sea turtles survive, so most likely my little baby would live a very short life. But, just maybe, mine would be the one. Nothing is as powerful as hope. It only takes one. Do something amazing today.