My blog is private now. When I went to work at the Academy, I decided that it was not in my best interest for my students to be able to see my insides, so I shut it down. Since then, it has stayed quiet. Now it is just for me.
Writing is therapy for me, it is my thoughts outside of my head, so I can remember them, experience them again later. Some things are wonderful to see again, some things are painful, but they are all real things, that I have been through, that have brought me to where I am, the person I am today. We are only the culmination of our experience, and what we motivate to act on. We are not inherently good or bad, we just are. We have control to change our path or continue further in the direction we are headed, it is simply about the choices we make.
Today I am proud. And humble. It is Martin Luther King Jr. Day. It makes my heart feel like bursting to know that there was once a man as great as him. I feel encouraged to do my best, incite change and be brave in the face of adversity. Change starts with me, I believe this to be true.
Today I had a talk with Layla about being kind, and I feel like my parenting is really starting to go in a way I am proud of. I have struggled greatly for many years with this. One one hand, I wanted to make sure my girls are thankful and humble, and on the other hand I want to give them them everything they desire in this world. Everything I desired for them. My beautiful girls are finally at an age where they can listen and understand. They can participate in a conversation and understand the benefits or detriments of their choices. There is no longer yelling and frustration, but honest, open dialogue about how our choices affect others. (I know the teen years await me, and I am hoping I can keep a solid grasp on my own behavior. Fingers crossed)
I am also trying to lead by example and making good choices myself. Today I went to the gym alone and swam for 30 minutes. It wasn't fast and it wasn't pretty, but I did it. I wasn't sure I could drag my ass out of the pool afterwards, and when I did, I thought I was going to puke. (I didn't)
One day at a time. There is not a day that we can't make better, even if it's just a little. Words matter, actions matter, I matter.
Be the change you want to see in the world. I want my girls to be a reflection of me. I want all of us to be good and happy and kind. I want it to be contagious.
“If I cannot do great things, I can do small things in a great way.” – Martin Luther King, Jr.
Monday, January 21, 2013
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Mag-nificent
7 years ago this morning, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. She was absolutely perfect in every way. She was all pink and cuddly, never cried, and seemed content to just sit back and watch the world happen around her. She also scared the shit out of me, and I wasn't entirely sure that I would be able to take care of her once we left the hospital.
When Maggie was born, Alan cried. He held her close, and told me how awesome she was. I was not interested in holding her, I was apparently impervious to her baby charms (unlike Alan. softy) and beyond that, I was afraid that I might never be able to love her. (the postpartum brain is a scary thing indeed)
This my friends, is the shit they never tell you about in your baby readiness classes. Not that we took any the second time around anyway, but it would have been helpful information to have. When Layla came, I remember how joyful I felt, and how amazing the experience was. I was floating on bliss. It was better than anything that had happened in my entire life. Ever. This time I just felt overwhelmed. I was in over my head, and not nearly qualified for the position I now held. Who the fuck thought this was a good idea?!
Well, that feeling lasted approximately 17 minutes before she cast her spell on me, and made me her biggest fan. She's powerful like that. From day one, She was happy to just be with us, never asking to be the center, never needing extra (which is great, since I didn't have any extra to give), just always easy with a smile and ready to give love. Maggie never even went through the "terrible twos", she sailed through that age with grace and poise (thank goodness, since Layla was still in the thick of it even at 4!). I couldn't have asked for a more perfect addition to our family.
Probably the thing I love most about my little girl is her free spirit. She is uninhibited, carefree, and hilarious. To this day, she refuses to wear clothes unless we are "going out", she says anything that matches make her feel weary, she finds the humor in everyday situations, and enjoys life. She makes me laugh every day. Every single day.
I always say that it's a good thing we aren't in charge of everything, because if it was up to me, with our situation, and timing, and circumstance, I would most likely have decided against having a second baby. But when I look into her big, blue, laughing eyes, I believe in God. Maggie is good medicine, and most days I think she saved me. Go figure.
When Maggie was born, Alan cried. He held her close, and told me how awesome she was. I was not interested in holding her, I was apparently impervious to her baby charms (unlike Alan. softy) and beyond that, I was afraid that I might never be able to love her. (the postpartum brain is a scary thing indeed)
This my friends, is the shit they never tell you about in your baby readiness classes. Not that we took any the second time around anyway, but it would have been helpful information to have. When Layla came, I remember how joyful I felt, and how amazing the experience was. I was floating on bliss. It was better than anything that had happened in my entire life. Ever. This time I just felt overwhelmed. I was in over my head, and not nearly qualified for the position I now held. Who the fuck thought this was a good idea?!
Well, that feeling lasted approximately 17 minutes before she cast her spell on me, and made me her biggest fan. She's powerful like that. From day one, She was happy to just be with us, never asking to be the center, never needing extra (which is great, since I didn't have any extra to give), just always easy with a smile and ready to give love. Maggie never even went through the "terrible twos", she sailed through that age with grace and poise (thank goodness, since Layla was still in the thick of it even at 4!). I couldn't have asked for a more perfect addition to our family.
Probably the thing I love most about my little girl is her free spirit. She is uninhibited, carefree, and hilarious. To this day, she refuses to wear clothes unless we are "going out", she says anything that matches make her feel weary, she finds the humor in everyday situations, and enjoys life. She makes me laugh every day. Every single day.
I always say that it's a good thing we aren't in charge of everything, because if it was up to me, with our situation, and timing, and circumstance, I would most likely have decided against having a second baby. But when I look into her big, blue, laughing eyes, I believe in God. Maggie is good medicine, and most days I think she saved me. Go figure.
 |
| 4 year old Maggie. Admit it, you love her too. |
Thursday, February 23, 2012
reality
I broke the scale. Well, the batteries died a long long time ago and I never put new ones in, I decided that I just didn't want to know. Today, curiosity got the best of me and I hopped right back on my old nemesis, looked down at the number, and didn't hate myself. (yay me) I think this shows that I am growing as a person. Oh wait. ha. (yup, that too)
I decided to go back to my dieting journal and look back to see how my current weight stacked up against my previously recorded weight. The first numbers I kept were from a diet in February 2006, exactly 6 years ago. My starting weight then was 1.2 pounds less than what I weigh this very minute. All of these binges and purges and running and walking and diets and falling off the wagon and self loathing and hard work and in 6 years, I have gained 1 pound. (I realistically think I could crap out the .2 pound, so I am rounding here)
In between the first page and the current one, there are many note I have written to myself, goals, plans, promises. Reasons why I am super great just how I am, but why I could be so, SO much better if I just weighed a little (or a lot) less. There are literally tens of pages (I crack myself up) of journaling, logging every bite of food that goes into my mouth and every step I take. It is really interesting for me to look at now, since I am not currently on a food restricted diet. The action plan today is to eat "clean" food and move my body. Good plan. If I can stick to the current rate of 1 pound of weight gain every 6 years, and I live to be 85, I will gain 8 more pounds in my life. If I continue the yoyo route I have been taking the last 6 years, it seems like I will gain and lose the same damn fat that refuses to leave my little body. Maybe I don't need to fight. Maybe I need to love. Make art not war. (making cookies is also always a favorite)
I am thinking of redirecting my journal. Instead of writing about food (which by now, in my book is obviously completely useless) I am going to track amazing moments. Soul food. I could really give a rats ass what I ate Thursday, March 2nd 2006 (but I know every bite). That is the day after my birthday, I wonder what happened that day. Did I laugh (most likely not much, I only ate 1300 calories, no way there was any birthday cake-oh the travesty!) I think I will still record occasional weights just to see how things are going at any time, but the tids and bits surrounding it now will not be low cal snack cakes and carrot sticks, it will be jokes, quips, and stories. I am not only abundantly blessed in this body (see what I did there?...lemonade, people!) I am blessed in every other way as well. Let's keep the focus positive shall we?
Now I will sign out and go live my life, I just know wonderful things will happen today!
I decided to go back to my dieting journal and look back to see how my current weight stacked up against my previously recorded weight. The first numbers I kept were from a diet in February 2006, exactly 6 years ago. My starting weight then was 1.2 pounds less than what I weigh this very minute. All of these binges and purges and running and walking and diets and falling off the wagon and self loathing and hard work and in 6 years, I have gained 1 pound. (I realistically think I could crap out the .2 pound, so I am rounding here)
In between the first page and the current one, there are many note I have written to myself, goals, plans, promises. Reasons why I am super great just how I am, but why I could be so, SO much better if I just weighed a little (or a lot) less. There are literally tens of pages (I crack myself up) of journaling, logging every bite of food that goes into my mouth and every step I take. It is really interesting for me to look at now, since I am not currently on a food restricted diet. The action plan today is to eat "clean" food and move my body. Good plan. If I can stick to the current rate of 1 pound of weight gain every 6 years, and I live to be 85, I will gain 8 more pounds in my life. If I continue the yoyo route I have been taking the last 6 years, it seems like I will gain and lose the same damn fat that refuses to leave my little body. Maybe I don't need to fight. Maybe I need to love. Make art not war. (making cookies is also always a favorite)
I am thinking of redirecting my journal. Instead of writing about food (which by now, in my book is obviously completely useless) I am going to track amazing moments. Soul food. I could really give a rats ass what I ate Thursday, March 2nd 2006 (but I know every bite). That is the day after my birthday, I wonder what happened that day. Did I laugh (most likely not much, I only ate 1300 calories, no way there was any birthday cake-oh the travesty!) I think I will still record occasional weights just to see how things are going at any time, but the tids and bits surrounding it now will not be low cal snack cakes and carrot sticks, it will be jokes, quips, and stories. I am not only abundantly blessed in this body (see what I did there?...lemonade, people!) I am blessed in every other way as well. Let's keep the focus positive shall we?
Now I will sign out and go live my life, I just know wonderful things will happen today!
Thursday, February 16, 2012
actual conversation
Me: "I can't get a job, I am taking a break!" (imagine lots more words, and whining and high levels of drama for no good reason)
Alan: "You already have a job, it's BEING AWESOME!"
Of course I had to stop my minor melt down to laugh, especially because I think he was being serious.
And this is why, after 15 plus years, we are still hanging tough. He has a soft spot for chubby little spunky nut jobs.
HA! Advantage me.
Alan: "You already have a job, it's BEING AWESOME!"
Of course I had to stop my minor melt down to laugh, especially because I think he was being serious.
And this is why, after 15 plus years, we are still hanging tough. He has a soft spot for chubby little spunky nut jobs.
HA! Advantage me.
Friday, February 10, 2012
eat your vegetables
Today at the market some kind gentle fellow tried to pick me up! (well, in my mind he did anyway, that's pretty much exactly the same as reality)
Whilst pondering the sweet red peppers, a handsome man (ok, it was the produce clerk) asked if I needed anything. (maybe I looked overwhelmed by the choices? Sorry to disappoint, but confused, frazzled mom is my standard look.) I let him know that I was just fine, thank you. He then put his hand on my shoulder and said "My God, you have an amazing smile, thank you so much for sharing it with me today!!" (he wasn't a senior citizen or anything, and this is a completely true story) Of course it made me giggle, (WHO TALKS LIKE THAT!?) so probably I looked like a complete frog, but whatever, I don't even care because it made my day. Two aisles later I got picked up in the bulk bins section. (possibly it was another worker from that section.....and the employees are just really helpful there)
Hell yes I overpay for produce, what's your point?
Whilst pondering the sweet red peppers, a handsome man (ok, it was the produce clerk) asked if I needed anything. (maybe I looked overwhelmed by the choices? Sorry to disappoint, but confused, frazzled mom is my standard look.) I let him know that I was just fine, thank you. He then put his hand on my shoulder and said "My God, you have an amazing smile, thank you so much for sharing it with me today!!" (he wasn't a senior citizen or anything, and this is a completely true story) Of course it made me giggle, (WHO TALKS LIKE THAT!?) so probably I looked like a complete frog, but whatever, I don't even care because it made my day. Two aisles later I got picked up in the bulk bins section. (possibly it was another worker from that section.....and the employees are just really helpful there)
Hell yes I overpay for produce, what's your point?
Monday, January 16, 2012
getting shit done (or what else vodka is good for)
Today I made my own deodorant. I have been buying one I really like on etsy for a while and wanted to make my own. I googled her ingredients and found a recipe (that I love). This works amazingly well, has all natural ingredients, and will keep you smelling sweet. yay! It is a pit cream, you have to put about a pea sized amount on your finger and rub it into your pits. It is not an antiperspirant, (you have sweat glands there, they have a job to do, let them do it) it just helps you to remain fresh smelling, whilst your amazing body is doing it's job.
natural pit cream
1/2 Cup coconut oil
3 Tbsp. beeswax (or cocoa butter)
3 Tbsp. baking soda
1/4 C arrowroot powder (or cornstarch)
3-4 drops essential oil (I used about 8 drops of lavender, clove and tea tree are also nice-all are antimicrobial, but please be careful with essential oils, they are very concentrated and can be harmful if not used correctly. Start small, less is more)
melt coconut oil and beeswax in pan. Whisk in powders. Add essential oils. Pour into container of choice. (this will make about 1 cup of cream, mason jars work great!)
AND
Layla bought me a 1oz atomizer of lavender spray at the farmers market this summer when we were in Cali. I have been using it as a body spray and just love it. I am getting more and more sensitive to scents, and can only tolerate the lightest natural scents anymore. I just ran out and made my own replacement.
Lavender floral water
I used one cup of water and one cup of dried lavender blossoms. I boiled the water and then added the flowers, and let it steep. (think lavender tea) I let it mingle for a few hours,strained it through a coffee filter, and added a few drops of lavender essential oil. Next, I added a Tbsp. of vodka. (the essential oil and the alcohol are preservatives, so it won't get funky on me) I refilled my atomizer and am good to go! The liquid I ended up with was probably about 1/3 cup, so I also got a 2oz refill bottle full from this one batch. I will keep the extra in the fridge to extend it's life. This is a beautiful spray, light and grassy, it doesn't wear or last like perfume, but that is great with me. It can also be used as a sheet spray or room spray. Love it!
natural pit cream
1/2 Cup coconut oil
3 Tbsp. beeswax (or cocoa butter)
3 Tbsp. baking soda
1/4 C arrowroot powder (or cornstarch)
3-4 drops essential oil (I used about 8 drops of lavender, clove and tea tree are also nice-all are antimicrobial, but please be careful with essential oils, they are very concentrated and can be harmful if not used correctly. Start small, less is more)
melt coconut oil and beeswax in pan. Whisk in powders. Add essential oils. Pour into container of choice. (this will make about 1 cup of cream, mason jars work great!)
AND
Layla bought me a 1oz atomizer of lavender spray at the farmers market this summer when we were in Cali. I have been using it as a body spray and just love it. I am getting more and more sensitive to scents, and can only tolerate the lightest natural scents anymore. I just ran out and made my own replacement.
Lavender floral water
I used one cup of water and one cup of dried lavender blossoms. I boiled the water and then added the flowers, and let it steep. (think lavender tea) I let it mingle for a few hours,strained it through a coffee filter, and added a few drops of lavender essential oil. Next, I added a Tbsp. of vodka. (the essential oil and the alcohol are preservatives, so it won't get funky on me) I refilled my atomizer and am good to go! The liquid I ended up with was probably about 1/3 cup, so I also got a 2oz refill bottle full from this one batch. I will keep the extra in the fridge to extend it's life. This is a beautiful spray, light and grassy, it doesn't wear or last like perfume, but that is great with me. It can also be used as a sheet spray or room spray. Love it!
Friday, January 13, 2012
6 inch tall toilets (or the day I started my period in 1st grade)
Today started all well and good, with an early morning trip to Krispy Kreme. It was Layla's birthday treat choice to take to class, and I was more than happy to get them for her (since it meant no cupcake making duty for me). I left the store with 31 donuts and a cup full of donut holes. Yup, that ought to do it.
I had lunch with Layla and then headed over to the primary school to luncheon with my very favorite first grader.
Side note: I have been bitchy and lame this week, kind of a key to pending events, but ignoring symptoms and soldiering on, I continue to be the best wife and mom of all time. (yeah, the part before the first comma is all true)
I sign in and get my numbered "visitor" badge at the office, (very official) and decide it would be best if I take a little trip to the restroom before I head to Maggie's class. I find the largest stall and take it. I notice that the toilet is made for someone about the size of a hobbit or perhaps a leprechaun. If you are any bigger than that (or say, have an ass the size of a full grown adult human) these "facilities" are going to be a little less than ideal. I then notice that the toilet paper is 1 ply and SEE THROUGH! Seriously?! Oh, you have got to be F*ing KIDDING me! Taking stock of the situation, I also see that there is nary a garbage can in sight. (of course not) At this exact moment, a sweet, tiny pixie enters the only other stall. She is singing. Of course she is. And she sounds like an animated chipmunk. (kill me now) I wait for her get done with her business. (holy hell 5 year olds take their sweet time in the can!)
So I wait. And wait. and finally, she leaves.
I get to leave with my respect. Phew.
I also got to stand on a huge stool to wash my hands, which was pretty cool.
I had lunch with Mags and guess what? Car full of Krispy Kreme when I was done. Booyah!
Later.........
I made a double batch of brownie bites, and all 5 DOZEN of them stuck in the pans (so they aren't going anywhere). It's like the universe is speaking to me. And petting my hair. I do believe I will change into my stretchy pants now.
I had lunch with Layla and then headed over to the primary school to luncheon with my very favorite first grader.
Side note: I have been bitchy and lame this week, kind of a key to pending events, but ignoring symptoms and soldiering on, I continue to be the best wife and mom of all time. (yeah, the part before the first comma is all true)
I sign in and get my numbered "visitor" badge at the office, (very official) and decide it would be best if I take a little trip to the restroom before I head to Maggie's class. I find the largest stall and take it. I notice that the toilet is made for someone about the size of a hobbit or perhaps a leprechaun. If you are any bigger than that (or say, have an ass the size of a full grown adult human) these "facilities" are going to be a little less than ideal. I then notice that the toilet paper is 1 ply and SEE THROUGH! Seriously?! Oh, you have got to be F*ing KIDDING me! Taking stock of the situation, I also see that there is nary a garbage can in sight. (of course not) At this exact moment, a sweet, tiny pixie enters the only other stall. She is singing. Of course she is. And she sounds like an animated chipmunk. (kill me now) I wait for her get done with her business. (holy hell 5 year olds take their sweet time in the can!)
So I wait. And wait. and finally, she leaves.
I get to leave with my respect. Phew.
I also got to stand on a huge stool to wash my hands, which was pretty cool.
I had lunch with Mags and guess what? Car full of Krispy Kreme when I was done. Booyah!
Later.........
I made a double batch of brownie bites, and all 5 DOZEN of them stuck in the pans (so they aren't going anywhere). It's like the universe is speaking to me. And petting my hair. I do believe I will change into my stretchy pants now.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)