a day in the life

eat your vegetables

2012-02-10T18:00:00.000-08:00

Today at the market some kind gentle fellow tried to pick me up! (well, in my mind he did anyway, that's pretty much exactly the same as reality)
Whilst pondering the sweet red peppers, a handsome man (ok, it was the produce clerk) asked if I needed anything. (maybe I looked overwhelmed by the choices? Sorry to disappoint, but confused, frazzled mom is my standard look.) I let him know that I was just fine, thank you. He then put his hand on my shoulder and said "My God, you have an amazing smile, thank you so much for sharing it with me today!!" (he wasn't a senior citizen or anything, and this is a completely true story) Of course it made me giggle, (WHO TALKS LIKE THAT!?) so probably I looked like a complete frog, but whatever, I don't even care because it made my day. Two aisles later I got picked up in the bulk bins section. (possibly it was another worker from that section.....and the employees are just really helpful there)
Hell yes I overpay for produce, what's your point?

getting shit done (or what else vodka is good for)

2012-01-16T16:18:00.000-08:00

Today I made my own deodorant. I have been buying one I really like on etsy for a while and wanted to make my own. I googled her ingredients and found a recipe (that I love). This works amazingly well, has all natural ingredients, and will keep you smelling sweet. yay! It is a pit cream, you have to put about a pea sized amount on your finger and rub it into your pits. It is not an antiperspirant, (you have sweat glands there, they have a job to do, let them do it) it just helps you to remain fresh smelling, whilst your amazing body is doing it's job.

natural pit cream

1/2 Cup coconut oil
3 Tbsp. beeswax (or cocoa butter)
3 Tbsp. baking soda
1/4 C arrowroot powder (or cornstarch)
3-4 drops essential oil (I used about 8 drops of lavender, clove and tea tree are also nice-all are antimicrobial, but please be careful with essential oils, they are very concentrated and can be harmful if not used correctly. Start small, less is more)

melt coconut oil and beeswax in pan. Whisk in powders. Add essential oils. Pour into container of choice. (this will make about 1 cup of cream, mason jars work great!)

AND

Layla bought me a 1oz atomizer of lavender spray at the farmers market this summer when we were in Cali. I have been using it as a body spray and just love it. I am getting more and more sensitive to scents, and can only tolerate the lightest natural scents anymore. I just ran out and made my own replacement.

Lavender floral water

I used one cup of water and one cup of dried lavender blossoms. I boiled the water and then added the flowers, and let it steep. (think lavender tea) I let it mingle for a few hours,strained it through a coffee filter, and added a few drops of lavender essential oil. Next, I added a Tbsp. of vodka. (the essential oil and the alcohol are preservatives, so it won't get funky on me) I refilled my atomizer and am good to go! The liquid I ended up with was probably about 1/3 cup, so I also got a 2oz refill bottle full from this one batch. I will keep the extra in the fridge to extend it's life. This is a beautiful spray, light and grassy, it doesn't wear or last like perfume, but that is great with me. It can also be used as a sheet spray or room spray. Love it!

6 inch tall toilets (or the day I started my period in 1st grade)

2012-01-13T20:52:00.000-08:00

Today started all well and good, with an early morning trip to Krispy Kreme. It was Layla's birthday treat choice to take to class, and I was more than happy to get them for her (since it meant no cupcake making duty for me). I left the store with 31 donuts and a cup full of donut holes. Yup, that ought to do it.
I had lunch with Layla and then headed over to the primary school to luncheon with my very favorite first grader.
Side note: I have been bitchy and lame this week, kind of a key to pending events, but ignoring symptoms and soldiering on, I continue to be the best wife and mom of all time. (yeah, the part before the first comma is all true)
I sign in and get my numbered "visitor" badge at the office, (very official) and decide it would be best if I take a little trip to the restroom before I head to Maggie's class. I find the largest stall and take it. I notice that the toilet is made for someone about the size of a hobbit or perhaps a leprechaun. If you are any bigger than that (or say, have an ass the size of a full grown adult human) these "facilities" are going to be a little less than ideal. I then notice that the toilet paper is 1 ply and SEE THROUGH! Seriously?! Oh, you have got to be F*ing KIDDING me! Taking stock of the situation, I also see that there is nary a garbage can in sight. (of course not) At this exact moment, a sweet, tiny pixie enters the only other stall. She is singing. Of course she is. And she sounds like an animated chipmunk. (kill me now) I wait for her get done with her business. (holy hell 5 year olds take their sweet time in the can!)
So I wait. And wait. and finally, she leaves.
I get to leave with my respect. Phew.
I also got to stand on a huge stool to wash my hands, which was pretty cool.
I had lunch with Mags and guess what? Car full of Krispy Kreme when I was done. Booyah!

Later.........
I made a double batch of brownie bites, and all 5 DOZEN of them stuck in the pans (so they aren't going anywhere). It's like the universe is speaking to me. And petting my hair. I do believe I will change into my stretchy pants now.

Cheers!

2012-01-04T13:22:00.000-08:00

I love a new year. It is all bright and shiny still, nothing horrible has happened yet, it has no baggage. I love the idea of getting a fresh start. 2011 wasn't particularly bad to me, but still, I am looking very forward to greeting the new times that lay ahead. There is something about taking down the old, marked up calender, and replacing it with a clean new one. It feels fresh and open, like anything can happen.
Resolutions are fun, even if they only last a few days. Hopefully mine will stick around a little longer, I have resolved to take myself less seriously, and remember to enjoy the journey. I need to be better about learning to say no sometimes, and also allowing myself to say yes to the things that matter most to me. I want to be healthy and happy and be my very best self. I have nothing with a particular goal or number, so I am guessing that my odds are already higher than most.
A good friend proclaimed to me that this was the year she was going to reclaim herself. What a fantastic idea. I think I shall try my best to do the same. I'm not sure exactly what that entails at the moment, but I like the idea of it very much, and am anxious to see if the person I think I am, even faintly resembles the real me at all. A year of giving, a year of thanks, a year of learning and growing, a year of joy! Here's to two thousand and twelve, may it be full of magic, and may every day be even a tiny bit more wonderful than the one before it.

and in this scenario, where magic = mini chocolate chips, I give you what makes today even better than yesterday:

Cake for one
get a custard cup or mug
put in
2 Tbsp flour
3/4-1 Tbsp sugar (to taste)
1/4 tsp baking powder
1/8 tsp salt
1/4 tsp vanilla (I like the vanilla powder, apparently the extract is flammable, which I think sounds pretty fancy, but keep an eye on it when you cook it. FLAMBE!)
3/4 Tbsp oil (coconut is awesome, butter, whatever you like)
2 Tbsp milk
optional stir ins: nuts/mini chips/sprinkles/1 tbsp cocoa powder
stir it up real good
nuke it for a minute. frost it if you want. Eat it all. Don't share.

This is really amazing, especially with mini chocolate chips. It is around 150 calories with no stir ins (same as a twinkie!) and is literally ready in less than 3 minutes. Late night snacking has just been resolutionized. TAADAA! Welcome to the new year.

inner space

2011-12-27T12:13:00.000-08:00

Maggie: What is the name of that inappropriate planet again?

Layla: Uranus.

Maggie: oh yeah. haha.

And then they just kept right on playing with teeny tiny plastic frogs. Kids are cool.

thankful for

2011-12-19T08:55:00.000-08:00

my life, my love, my health and my sense of humor. I feel mixed about the way time has taken to flying recently, it makes things all frantic and jumbled, but it is making Christmas come much faster, so I am excited about that.
Merry Christmas, hope you enjoy the magic of the holiday season.

what's not to love?

2011-12-06T10:21:00.000-08:00

Today I am thankful for warm breakfast. I have never been a big cold cereal fan (except sometimes count chocula as a midnight snack), I take my breakfast warm. Savory breakfasts are my favorite, but I also really love muffins (as if you didn't know). I made these this morning expecting a friend to join me. I ended up breakfasting alone, but since the muffins are so amazing, I didn't even mind. My family will also be thankful when they get home, these are more like a cake dessert, but we can just call them muffins so they don't carry the guilt of breakfast cake.

Coconut Almond Muffins
1 Cup flour
1/2 cup sugar (you can use a little less, these are pretty sweet for me)
1-1/4 tsp baking powder
1/4 tsp salt
1 egg
1/2 cup sour cream
1/4 C melted butter (I use coconut oil)
1/4 tsp almond extract
1/2 Cup flaked coconut
1/4 cup chocolate chips (i love the minis)
1/4 Cup sliced almonds

*in a bowl combine flour, sugar, baking powder and salt. In another bowl whisk the egg, sour cream, butter and extract. Stir into dry ingredients just until moist. (dough will be very thick) Fold in coconut and chocolate chips.
*using a 1/4 cup, fill muffin cups. Sprinkle with almonds and a little extra sugar if you'd like. Bake at 375* for 18-20 minutes or until tops are golden and a toothpick comes out clean.
Makes about 9 muffins.
These could win a ribbon at the fair, but since I'm not into that, they will just win a place in my heart. These muffins will impress people, make them.
You're welcome.

there's always December!

2011-12-01T21:22:00.000-08:00

It is popular in November to be thankful each day for something that makes your life awesome. It is also popular to share these wonderful things via some form of electronic media. Please hear me when I say that I am, indeed, thankful, and I am also pleased that you are. It does get a little cloying though by the end of the month. Like apple juice. F'ing apple juice. It is so sweet, I want to love it, but I just can't in my deep down heart. (it doesn't even really taste like apples does it?)
Anyway, because I am a big fan of being ironic, and also because I am actually very blessed, I decided to hitch my ass to the wagon. (You KNOW I don't jump. 40 pounds of boobs are not conducive to flying into the air of my own accord)
I saw a post about being grateful in December (every day, which of course is very different than being thankful every damn day in November. Come on people.) The point (in case you are thick) is to focus on the good, and not the stress and ridiculousness of the commercialization of the holidays. (ok, maybe that is just what I think it means, feel free to think for yourself here. Please. Really)
So, in the spirit of gratefulness, I am going to share some things that I am thankful for. (Probably not daily, because let's just be honest here, commitment to any daily task isn't really my gig. If this was a project that involved large amounts of butter or napping it would have a fighting chance.)

The first thing I am thankful for is kind of amazing, but I promise you it is true. (I only tell the truth, it's just my way) So, if you know me, you know that the Janina fan club includes 1 member of Alan's family. It is Alan. I somehow brainwashed him in the early 90s without the use of any (good) forms of sex, drugs or rock and roll (still all true) and yet, 20 years later, he is still here. Amazing, I know. For some reason (or most likely loads of them) the rest of his family hasn't fallen for me yet. This has been a huge stumbling block for me for most of my life. I just can't quite accept that the family of man that I love more than my life, just can't like me. Ouch.
And then I got a facebook friend request. It was from Alan's Uncle Earl. Why me? Really? Fine, whatever. Friends indeed. Except, (and here's the lesson kids) he isn't anything like I expected him to be. Shame on me! Uncle Earl is a gay democrat, and from what I gather, he is also a retired ice dancer!!! Shut the front door! (I KNOW! a DEMOCRAT in Alan's family! wow. Mind=blown)
Anyway, the thing I am grateful for today is discovering a kinship with a member of my family in-law. Better late than never I say. Now that Uncle Earl and I are going to be buds, I am kind of figuring out why they have kept us a secret from each other all of these years. It has a little to do with possible world domination, but you didn't hear it from me...

bald is beautiful

2011-11-16T09:38:00.000-08:00

no, this post isn't about my (extremely) handsome husband, it is about my kids. They are not bald, but their behavior makes me feel like pulling my own hair out, so soon, I may be.
Parenting is one of those things you can't explain. I can't adequately express to you the feeling of frustration that it gives me when I witness one (amazing, talented) little girl, harass and annoy another (equally as wonderful) little girl. It is especially maddening since I happen to have made them both myself.
Since I am the adult in this particular scenario, I am also under the obligation of responding with some type of appropriate behavior. I would like to be candid and tell you, that does not usually happen.
When I think back to my childhood, I don't remember much (which I am also banking on to happen with my kids, they can just remember Christmas and Disneyland and everything else can kind of melt away into the abyss) I mostly remember big things like helicopter rides, Marine World, and the chocolate factory (NOT Willy Wonka's). But I also remember my mom being this kind of ethereal adult, that kind of floated along taking care of things, totally in control of herself and the situation.
I know this isn't actually true, because she told me as much, but that is how I remember it. (and it's still how she acts now, all clever and unaffected and champion like. It is possible that it is actually true, and she is just trying to make me feel better. That would totally be a "Mom" way to behave.)
Long story short, it was kind of a rough morning. The girls started in on each other first thing. I got involved. There was drama. (with 2 little girls, there is ALWAYS drama) I could have raised my voice (ok, yeah, that happened) and then we hustled out the door for school. I hate starting a day this way, so I snuck cute little birdie love notes and stickers into their lunches, and when we were in the car, I apologized to them. Layla was all strong and silent, and Maggie was smiling and quick to forgive. "It's ok Mama, I love you!"
Here I am still stewing about it, an hour later. Layla probably is too. I think it is important to take a lesson from a 6 year old and learn how to quickly forgive, and also let people know how much we love them. Silly little disagreements shouldn't shape our days, because pretty soon days become years, and all of the years together, that is our life.
I know that some day the girls will be adults themselves, and be looking to me for answers about things like this. I will tell them that they are amazing, and how much I love them, and have them call my mom.

yay me!

2011-11-14T12:26:00.000-08:00

Not long ago I went to a little hippie workshop, and got a lot of guilt for things I should/could be doing better around the house. Prepared food, plastic products, etc. Yeah, yeah, I freaking already know, leave me alone ok?! Well, she also told me that by choosing my $4 mocha at Starbucks, I was not only pretty much funding the Saudi oil czars, but also slash burning like 400 million square football fields of rain forest with each sip. Ouch. You know how I love me some rain forest.
I immediately came home and finished up all of my Starbucks via packets (oh, how I love thee) in the interests of the tarsier. I went and got a bag of organic french roast coffee beans out of my pantry and made the change to french pressed straight away. This was the big change that I made after the workshop. Yay me. I also switched to organic half and half instead of my very favorite almond joy coffee mate (that makes me happy on the inside and the outside). I am not going to lie, I wasn't happy about the creamer. Yes, I know it's made of crap and chemicals and I can't pronounce half of the ingredients. I KNOW! But it's yummy and coconutty and I love it.
After a few days of good (not great) coffee, I decided that I was going to have to make my own coffee creamer. Bold, I know. I googled a bit, and thought about it, and got to work. I would now like to share with you my amazing recipe.
Janina's organic kick ass coffee mate
(makes you happy on the inside AND the outside, and also saves your body and helps save the rain forest for the tarsiers and bonobos)
1 can organic coconut milk
1 can organic sweetened condensed milk
1/2 cup organic (Equal Exchange) drinking chocolate
1 tsp. pure almond extract
put the milks in pan, warm it up, add the chocolate, stir it up real good. When it steams, take it off the heat and stir in the almond extract. Put it in a glass jar and keep it in the fridge. I imagine it will be kind of like pudding when it gets all the way cooled, so be sure to have an opening where you can get at it with a spoon.
Enjoy!

Also, just so we are clear, I am never (NEVER) giving up paper towels, I love them, and they are handy. Or toilet paper. Or shampoo. (the list goes on) I do promise to do my best, and be a good steward of the earth while I am a guest here, and to only go to Starbucks when it's an emergency.
Also, I wouldn't mind a homeless, orphan, tiny, baby bonobo for Christmas. (Just in case Santa reads this)

in real life

2011-11-11T09:53:00.000-08:00

Since the days have been darker and colder and wetter, the kids are now allowed to participate in more electronic media. They always love to play wii and watch tv, but in the spring and summer, the answer is usually no. Now that sending them outside to play isn't always an option, the no's have slowly transitioned into yes. The girls are beyond thrilled, I have parental guilt. And on and on it goes.
This morning Layla is playing Super Mario Brothers and as usual, there is complete domination happening on screen, while Mags (her ever faithful cheerleader) is yipping and dancing in the background. I think she is the coach, since she keeps barking out instructions. "GET THE TUBE!" "DUCK!" "WATCH FOR THAT FLOWER!" I have no idea what they are doing, but listening is really fantastic, and I like how they can both participate without both of them actually playing the video game.
In a wonderful example of play imitating real life, I just overheard this discussion:
"Oh please Layla, don't kill them, they are so so cute!!"
"I don't want to kill them, but they are EVIL!"
"Just let them be....CUUUTTTEE!!"
"Listen up, they are going to kill me. They are evil, I have to get them first!"
"But. They. Are. SOOOOOOOOOOO CUTE!"
(haha, I have had this exact same conversation with Alan lots of times, although it isn't about flying frogs in video games)
Then, without a thought, she totally annihilated them all. It makes the decisions easier when there is a rule book. Unfortunately, parenting doesn't come with one, but if it did, I'm sure #1 would be DON'T KILL THE CUTE THINGS.
Sometimes, you just gotta laugh.

joke of the day

2011-10-29T19:29:00.000-07:00

Maggie: What is brown and sticky?
me: ?
Maggie: A STICK!!!

this is (of course) my new very favorite joke.

big girl pants

2011-10-27T19:06:00.000-07:00

so I think that funny people are all kind of fucked up. Seriously, with a few exceptions, everyone that I know who is pee your pants funny, is also kind of, well, mental too. If you haven't noticed, I am pretty funny...

I have spent a while being depressed. It isn't a choice, it is an affliction. It is nasty, like an infection and spreads if your not careful, so that soon it is all over you, and hard to recover from. It's not contagious, but the people around you certainly suffer when you have it. Lucky for me, the people around me are completely awesome, and love me even harder when I am horrible, so in the end everything will turn out ok. I know this to be true, and it is one of the things that keeps me going. The other is that I have been through it before. I know that sometime, it will be over, and I can be happy again. Maybe not today, but if I keep waking up, and going through the motions for long enough, one day, things will be better.
Also if I eat mass amounts of deep fat fried food and ice cream, that will help. and vodka. (ok, well maybe help isn't really the right word-but it certainly passes the time)
Until that day, I will pull up my big girl pants and deal. (they are made of fleece and have polar bears on them, just so you can get a proper visual) and most likely fuzzy socks too. and chocolate. (wonder if I could pull another last minute trip to Mexico out of it..too much? yeah, I kind of thought so too. Wonder what the time frame on that is?)

As always, Maggie has perfect timing. I just got this. Thanks for the reminder sweetie girl.xo

Let's do this.

face lift

2011-10-07T18:08:00.000-07:00

I played around on the blog for a while today to change things up a bit. I want to put my own picture in the back ground, but I am all on my own with figuring these things out, so for now, it is this.
I also tried to track down "Travis" on Facebook, just to see if he was anything like I remembered. It took a short amount of time (pretty amazing really, since I couldn't remember-or didn't ever know-his last name, or the last name of the friend that introduced us) I think I found a pretty good candidate, and he looks NOTHING like my memory. (you know, since it may or may not even be him) Ha. Life is funny like that. The Travis I found has a wife and a daughter, and a whole entire story of his own. It's funny how that happens, life just goes on for everyone. I bet he doesn't even remember me. Anyway, he (like me) has gained some weight, is happily married, and (not like me) is covered in tatts. Looks like it worked out for everyone. I love a story with a happy ending. (even when it includes a little internet stalking. oops)

my own advice

2011-09-23T10:31:00.000-07:00

Well, things have changed swiftly around here lately. Both of the girls are now enrolled in public school, and I am working on opening a little gift shop with a new friend. I don't know (yet) if it is actually something amazing, but it is keeping me very busy, and the girls are loving school, so it seems like a really nice fit for us for now.
(que flashback)
Once, when I was much younger, and ridiculously cuter (wish I had a picture, it would be my profile on facebook for sure) I met a boy. His name was Travis, and he was dreamy. I mean, not of this world good looking. And charming, and funny. We hung out for one day and fell in love. (love might not be quite the right word for it) anyway, he asked me to marry him and made me all kinds of promises for the future. Man, he was cute. (and he could wear some jeans!) We spent the evening laying in the tall grass, holding hands, looking at the stars and whispering things. We had one day. It was 100% innocent and sweet. I never saw him again. Nothing exciting or tragic happened (too bad, I could have sold the screen play) but it has always left me with a feeling of "what it".
(back to reality)
I have always wanted to have a shop, and this opportunity was handed to me, so I decided to take the leap. I am a lucky girl to be sure, and also quite clever some days. I decided that if something unlikely (and beautiful and amazing) is handed to me, it would be foolish to turn it down. I have a fun, sweet memory, and a wonderful husband who I adore (who also happens to blindingly support my silly ideas) and now I will also have a real life shop. I thought for a minute about calling it Travis, but decided it would require too much explaining, and also probably extra marketing, so it is called Whim. Much better I think, and still captures the feeling I have about it.
Perfect.

I was right.

2011-09-13T21:21:00.000-07:00

I usually am.

There were so many amazing things this time (as always). I swam in the warm cyan waters of the Pacific, with brightly colored tropical fishes, I ate so many wonderful meals, with tastes that don't even exist here, and enjoyed beautiful, soft sand beaches that most people only ever read about. Mexico makes me wish that I could process more, feel more, enjoy more, and remember it all. It is a sad truth that almost immediately, the sharp edge of the moment is dulled by the next experience that follows closely behind it. It is wonderful and tragic all at once. There are so many shades of light that dance across the endless horizon, aromas that gently play around the edge of your consciousness, memories so wonderful yet gentle, that you can't quite be sure they actually happened once they are gone.

So many things in life just can't be adequately expressed with words, and yet, if we don't write them down, we will certainly have already lost them.
I got to hold a tiny sea turtle baby on the day it was hatched. It was about 2 inches long and very, very strong. I held it in sand covered hands, and then set it down on the beach, to try and make it's way to the ocean. The guide told us that 1 out of 1000 baby sea turtles survive, so most likely my little baby would live a very short life. But, just maybe, mine would be the one. Nothing is as powerful as hope. It only takes one. Do something amazing today.

late night

2011-09-07T04:07:00.000-07:00

or, in this case, early morning. It's 4am, and I am waiting for my airport shuttle. I feel excited and anxious all at the same time. The thing is, Alan takes such good care of me, it has been a good long bit since I have had to really worry about taking care of myself. This little trip is going to be a good chance for me to depend on me for a change.
I am all packed in a backpack, I have a bathing suit and my camera. Starbucks put out the salted caramel, mocha frappuccino yesterday (I'm pretty sure, just for me) and something amazing is going to happen soon. I can feel it.
Until then...

read the label

2011-08-25T11:40:00.000-07:00

As a parent, you try not to label your kids. (right?) But it happens. Layla is the oldest, she is smart, outgoing, and independent. Maggie is the baby, she is cute and cuddly and funny. Not that Layla isn't funny, she is, but her sense of humor is more reserved than say, mine, or that of Mini Me. Sometimes she surprises me.
This just happened.
Layla was at the kitchen table playing magician. She was wearing a magical cowboy hat. (obviously) She was doing card tricks for her audience (her American Girl Hazel). I heard things like, "pick a card, any card. Ooooh, you got the 17 of penguins!" (hah) Then I heard her tap dance to the bathroom and call out..."AND FOR MY NEXT TRICK!! I WILL NOW MAKE THE WASTE FROM MY BODY DISAPPEAR!!!" then a flush and "TAADAA!!"

Pure awesome. I love that girl. Guess I should look closer at the labels. Word. Lesson learned.

a new day

2011-08-24T12:10:00.000-07:00

My dad is cancer free! What a fantastic idea. I like to think that even when shitty things happen, they leave, in their wake, the opportunity of something good. There is not a better reminder to appreciate your health, than being at the hospital, beside the bed of a loved one. It is a familiar place for me, but even I can always appreciate a gentle reminder.
I also got a chance to remember how much I love being home, and my bed, and my fridge (and snack drawer). And Alan. Of course to add to it just a little, I got sick myself (just a cold) and have been on the mend for a few days. Oh irony, leave me the hell alone already. It's not funny any more and I am tired.

Layla starts 3rd grade at public school next week, and we all have mixed feelings about that. We are excited but anxious. (Mostly me) I am also looking forward to having just one "student" at home this year. Maggie is glad to get some extra attention for a bit, and I am glad to be able to give it to her. The girls are growing and changing so fast, it's hard not to miss some things. Maggie has no front teeth and Layla's reading has really taken off. (also she has aged about 20 years this year and insists on parenting me ALL of the time. As if I can't handle it myself.....ok, good point)

On a brighter note, I cashed in my award miles and got myself a ticket to Puerto Vallarta. I talked a friend into going with me, (it will be hot, HOT, and sticky humid) and we are excited to spend some much needed time in the shade and the pool and the bar. It is sea turtle season and I am beyond excited to finally get to release baby sea turtles! It is something I have always wanted to do, and since we usually travel on the other side of the year, I always miss it. Mostly I am excited to just get away. Turns out that parenting and cancer and diabetes and stress are a lot for this girl. I am hoping to return refreshed and revitalized and ready to tackle the school year. I will get back just in time to get packed for Las Vegas. Alan is taking me to celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary. (I know! I AM too young to have been married that long! I still scold my mom for allowing such a thing to take place. I mean, it all worked out in the end but, GEEZ!)

I am thankful every day that I don't have to live with 99% of the decisions I made when I was 15. And I am thankful every day that I still get to live with one of them. I love you Alan.

no dice

2011-08-09T16:38:00.000-07:00

well, I didn't get the job. When I found out, I felt a wave of relief. Guess it just wasn't in the cards for me this time. I didn't have much time to dwell on it, as we have had a very busy few weeks. I survived the 11th (and most likely last) Blochtoberfest, we had a trip to Klamath, and I sent Layla off to diabetes camp.
Back to my role as SuperMom. I got some school clothes and lunch boxes ordered, and found both of our class supply lists from June. (yay!) Maggie and I are enjoying some one on one time, and I am looking forward to a few down days before we head to Eugene for Dad's surgery. Doctor and dentist appointments, and camp outs and picnics will fill our days until the first day of school, which is currently only 21 days away. and counting. Somehow this seems unfair since we just started having summerish weather. (read as not raining) I am undeterred, and have lofty plans to plant some greens and herbs in my new front garden beds. Nevermind it's already mid-August, bucking the system is my style, so I am going with it.
In other news, we were recently adopted by a chicken. It really likes corn chips and tortellini. Layla has named it Brittany. (tell me things like this happen to everyone) We are trying to make it leave, it is insisting on staying. The cats are absolutely no help. It sleeps on a cooler on the deck and goes peep peep.

uncharted territory

2011-07-26T12:36:00.000-07:00

Today I face the dawn of a new era. I will put on pantyhose and mascara and try to sell myself. Not like that.. I am going to a job interview. It's the first one in about 11 years or so. I made "the" muffins for breakfast, as to start off the day right, and have gotten a few minutes of reading in, which I love. I used a blow dryer, (first time in years as well, I live kind of a casual life) tried out my new Kat Von D tattoo eraser, and will be getting all zipped up into my dress as soon as help arrives.
I had a lengthy conversation with myself in the shower, answering all of the interview questions well, and impressing everyone. (ok, there wasn't anyone, but, you know) Next stop, the International Air and Hospitality Academy, where I have to try and WOW them with my amazingness. I feel overwhelmed and under confident. I hate being weighed and measured. And judged. I am needing luck. Lots of it. Here's hoping for good news.
I will keep you posted.

a good muffin is hard to find

2011-07-25T12:35:00.000-07:00

I love to eat good food. Love it. (obviously) Muffins are one of my favorite breakfast choices, but it has to be the right muffin. It has to be moist, and not too chewy, the crumb has to be right. It can't be a costco or Spunkmeyer muffin (which aren't really muffins at all, just small dense cakes with no nutritional value). I am kind of a muffin princess. I have a fall back muffin recipe that I have modified to be just right, and I use it a lot, but I was looking for something more.
Yesterday, I found a new recipe. I didn't really hold out much hope, but I made it anyway since we needed breakfast for a crowd. The result is my new favorite muffin. Oh happy day! (probably other girls don't get as excited about breakfast breads. they haven't had this muffin.)
make these now.

One bowl oatmeal muffins
plan ahead to make these as you have to soak the oats for a bit. It's worth it.
makes 12 muffins (doubles great)
1 cup milk (I use almond milk)
1 tsp white vinegar
1 cup oats
1 egg
1/4 brown sugar
1/4 cup melted butter (or coconut oil)
1/4 cup applesauce
1 cup plus 2 Tbsp flour (I use half whole wheat)
1/4 tsp salt
1 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp baking soda
1 tsp vanilla (or almond, depending on your mix ins)
mix ins of your choice (I like coconut and mini chocolate chips) but you can use 1/2 cup of anything you like

combine oats, milk and vinegar in a large bowl and let sit 1 hour for rolled oats, 15 minutes for quick oats. (they will absorb most of the liquid)
Preheat oven to 375*, grease muffin tins or line with papers.
Crack the egg into the oat mixture, add sugar and mix to combine. Stir in butter, applesauce and vanilla.
Stir remaining ingredients into the bowl: flour, salt baking powder and soda. Gently fold into batter, careful not to over mix. Really, this will ruin your perfect muffin. Don't do it.
Fold in your mix ins. Fill muffin cups 3/4 full, (I like to top with some coarse sugar before baking, I like the sweet crunchy top) bake for about 15 minutes. The tops will be golden and the tops will spring back when touched.

You're welcome.

bread and jam for me

2011-07-19T14:30:00.000-07:00

I love home made raspberry jam. It might be me very favorite thing of all. I love the beautiful and amazing color of it, I love the sweet, tangy taste of it, I love the way it gently mounds on the spoon when I scoop it for my toast, I love the jars lined up like little soldiers, wearing ruby jackts on my counter.

I think Frances said it best:
"Jam on biscuits, jam on toast, jam is the thing I love the most.
Jam is sticky, jam is sweet, jam is tasty, jam's a treat.
Raspberry, strawberry, gooseberry,
I'm very fond of JAM!"

Yesterday the sun poked out for a moment, and we went to the farm down the road. We picked over 12 pounds of raspberries, and this morning I made jam. It's hard to be unhappy when you have raspberry jam. and Frances.

tiny hands.

they are getting so big.

summer time in a jar

perfect.

summer who?

2011-07-18T13:57:00.000-07:00

so apparently summer has decided to skip visiting us here in the Northwest this year. I do not accept this, so I am behaving as if it is summer time anyway. I am wearing summer dresses and sandals and drinking frosty beverages. As always, cold beer and iced tea top my list of favorites, but this year I am taking it even further and have introduced iced coffee on a daily basis (how have I lived this long with out it?!) and also, since I am fancy, I juiced a watermelon. That just happened.
I got my iced coffee recipe here, from the Pioneer woman. It is called perfect iced coffee, and I totally, completely agree. The only thing I do different is use 1.5 Cups of coffee grounds and 8 cups of cold water, this is a more manageable amount for me. I have a big jar steeping on the counter right this second.

My other discovery is watermelon juice. The jury is still kind of out on this one, but I want to play with it a little and think it could be a big winner. On this, my first attempt, I cubed the watermelon, put it in my blender and whooshed it up until it was (wait for it...) juice. Then I put the entire batch through a filter and it made beautiful, rose colored liquid. I used one baby watermelon, juiced half of a lime into it and added some simple syrup. I just can't seem to get on board with less is more, so into my own glass, I decided to add some elderflower concentrate (sounds fancy, but I got it at IKEA) and 7Up. The resulting drink was lovely, but interesting. I think maybe watermelon lemonade would be delicious, and also maybe using the watermelon juice for frozen pops would be something the kids would love. Watermelon mint? I don't even love watermelon and I can't stop thinking about it. Watermelon juice tastes just like summer. I miss summer.

little things

2011-07-12T09:52:00.000-07:00

taptaptap. It's 3am. I open my eyes to find Maggie inches away from my face, standing next to my bed. Before I have a chance to respond she is climbing up the side of the bed and snuggling into the covers. She whispers to me "mama, can you spoon me?" aw. And so the serving spoon snuggled up to the baby spoon. (where the baby spoon immediately drifted off to dreamland for the next 5 hours, and the serving spoon got her blankets kicked off and her pillow stolen) She woke up promptly at 8 and rubbed her tired eyes. "Mama, sleeping with you is my favorite thing." Me too baby.
Who needs sleep? Not this girl. (yawn)

it's hip to be square

2011-07-11T17:45:00.000-07:00

**NEWS FLASH** I am not cool. (hard to believe, I know) I have always pretty much been aware of this fact, but it was actually confirmed by my 16 year old niece the other day. She was talking to her mom and made an offhand remark about how she "probably even wears packaged underwear". The tone and look that accompanied this sentence was neither appreciative nor flattering, as if it were the worst thing you could say about a person. It was VERY clear that everybody who is anybody apparently wears hand picked (singly purchased) panties. It was brought to my attention that not only am I not currently cool, but I have, in fact, never, not ever (except one time in college, when I received a Victoria's Secret gift card) been cool.
Ouch. BOOM!
There goes all of the hard work I put in curling (and back combing) my bangs for the entire 80s, there goes my pegged pants with layered socks (alternating colors on each side), there goes that 3 months I freaking STARVED on the Atkins diet, AND my ultra hip overalls in high school. Always, underneath, I was wearing packaged undies. No matter what I did on the outside, it wouldn't change my less than amazing under things. If only I had known. Le sigh. You know what? Nope, I was born a cotton girl, and I will live each day secure in that knowledge. It softens the blow a little that I have always hated the cool kids, and was never interested in being one. (maybe way, way down deep, but mostly not even there, it's just not my style) If I were to have a label it would read more like redneck, hippie, funky clown. Cool? not even a chance. Fun? You bet your sweet ass.

ps, nobody wants to see this booty sporting a whale tail. Your welcome.

psps, these opinions are all my very own, and I have not been compensated by Hanes in any way. Although, I totally should be, since I ROCK the cotton boy cuts that come in a 3 pack at Target.

what do I say?

2011-06-27T22:13:00.000-07:00

Layla had a high blood sugar, it was a reminder that it is new site day. She peeled the Tagaderm off of the old site, and a layer of skin with it, leaving an open wound. Bleeding. We had to discuss new site placement, which is always hard. She cries to plead her case. "Please Mama, not my belly. It hurts when the needle goes in, and it hurts every time a drop of insulin pushes through." Her nose is running now, and she is wiping tears. I am strong. "Maybe my leg."
I move aside the fabric of her skirt to find a place that would work. One leg still has a raw red spot from the last time she had a site there, and the other leg still has an angry, open hole from a previous site that she has been bothering. It itches, and hurts, and without thinking, her hand goes to it. No good spots here. I try to stay strong.
Her arms are so thin that there isn't good placement, even though she doesn't mind them there. She doesn't have any body fat, so she is building up lumpy tissue under her skin from being pierced so many times in the same, delicate area. Arms are not a choice this time.
We are running out of options, her body is small. I finally decide on the placement, she disagrees, we push on. She cries. They are strong, quiet tears. The worst kind. Her body is shaking when I place the set. My strength is wavering.  She asks why she has to have diabetes. I don't have an answer for her. I never do. I pet her hair and bite my lip. It's time for bed.
I just heard her ask Alan as he was tucking her in, " how do we get it out?" She wants the disease out of her body. My dad has cancer, she has heard us talk about him getting it removed. He will be ok. She wants it out. She wants to be ok. She doesn't understand. There isn't an answer. There isn't a cure. I can't fix it.
She is so brave and strong. We fake it, we make it look easy. But it is hard. We don't want to let it get us down. We don't want you to have to know what it's like. We don't want to be different. We don't want to be afraid, but we are.   My heart breaks a little every single day.

why I had kids

2011-06-23T14:02:00.000-07:00

so we used to have this "discussion" before we had kids:

me: but they are so cute! and I want one really BAD!

alan: they are so much work, and cry and are stinky!

me: (ignoring alan's brilliance and wisdom. as always) they have cute tiny outfits with MATCHING SOCKS!!

alan: blah blah (who cares, I think we all know I am getting a baby if I want one)

me: GAH! I can't live another day without a baby!!

alan: you are insane, this is a horrible idea!

me: you know you want one.

alan: well ok, maybe we could just adopt a teenager so they can cook and do chores.

etc, etc, etc. you get the picture.

So, as you probably figured out, we had a couple. They are really cute, and also, like, a billion times harder than I had predicted. (SURPRISE!) Alan says things to me like: "extreme lack of foresight on your part." Whatever Alan, who asked you anyway?
And then today happened.
Maggie just walked in and handed me this:

she just invented it. It is a strawberry, with the stem cut out and a dark chocolate kiss poked into the hole. The only way it could have been better is if the hole was full of whipped cream vodka before the chocolate "cork" was put in. (but hey, I'm not a critic, and she's only 6, so...)
Lack of foresight Alan?! I think not. Lawyered!

ps, spellcheck doesn't like "foresight" and keeps recommending that I change it to foreskin. (although, technically still correct. Extreme lack of foreskin on my part. indeed.) Who uses big words like that anyway? Sheesh. See what I have to put up with?! Good thing I have a good sense of humor. (and a personal chocoberry delivery service)

Happy Solstice

2011-06-21T12:15:00.000-07:00

Today is the first day of summer and we are having a celebration. The sun is out, I had fresh squeezed orange juice for breakfast on the patio, and a good friend is coming to share the day. Life is good.

Enjoy the sunshine!

summer shorts

2011-06-20T12:49:00.000-07:00

so, if you know me, you know I am a spaz. It's not an official (diagnosed) medical condition, just too many crazy ideas firing off all at once in a tiny little brain, and all demanding attention right now. If it sounds familiar, you probably have it too, I think it's just called real life. No medication needed (usually), just occasional naps and beers and lots of laughing and you'll be just fine. (probably. I am not a doctor, but this is what I tell myself)
Anyway, I had so many things happen last week that I wanted to talk about, I decided to just share them all, in short story (or even staccato sentence) form. It's new! It's fresh for summer! Get used to it, lots of stuff, fragmented thoughts, this is my way. Welcome to summer shorts.

My hair smells really good.

I have decided that coconut/almond/chocolate is my second favorite flavor combo EVER (after tequila/lime/salt. heh)

Q: how long does it take two little girls to eat $9.99 worth of organic raspberries?
A: about 3 minutes (sigh. this is not a joke)

I love Alan more than anything. Seriously.

(we are at my cousin's house, she has 3 daughters between 6th and 10th grade) Layla sniffs the air and says: "What is that SMELL?!? It is kind of good, but mostly really strong!" I reply "it's teenager." (word) A few hours later Maggie walks in, wrinkles up her nose and says "It smells like teenager in here!!"* haha-true story. Still laughing about it.

*after giving it some thought I have decided that teenagers smell of a mix of something tropical (maybe pineapple or coconut), flowers, hair spray and nail polish/nail polish remover. (kind of good, but mostly really strong.)

My dad has been diagnosed with prostate cancer, it is early and slow growing, he is scheduling surgery and should be fine. I am holding off on the worry until they tell me I have something to worry about. (yay me) I also happen to have a good friend that works in the field and has set us up with a fabulous specialist, he really is in the best hands. Surgery will be sometime this summer, our summer schedule is subject to change based on this information. Please be flexible.

I love love LOVE my new cedar soaking tub, it makes me feel like a princess. (and also skinny since I just bob around in there like I am weightless (which I am NOT). Come to find out, you are really buoyant if you are only 5 feet tall and mostly boobs)

ok now, I have saved my favorite for last.
wait for it....
I go down to Eugene to meet with my folks to go with them to Dad's doctor's appointment. (Come ON- you knew this was a Dad story!) Dad is feeling anxious about the appointment, and we are all hungry and irritable as it is past lunch time. We are in the mall and Mom and I are discussing heading to the food court to find a bite to eat. Dad ~~says he wants~~ demands a White Castle burger. (never mind I have no idea where to find a White Castle, and I can't eat anything on the menu) We load up in the car to get Dad his burger. It is kind of all about him for a bit, and I am fine with it. He swears he saw a White Castle on their way in from the freeway. We start heading in the right direction when he gets all excited. He has found the White Castle. Except, what he actually found was this. Castle Megastore. (Knights and Damsels welcome) There is NOT a snack bar here, as it is a porn shop. Megastore actually. He said he didn't care, and wanted to go in anyway. (um, no.) I started laughing so hard I peed a bit, and I proceeded to the taco time down the road. He was sulky and quiet as he ate his taco.
Later, after the appointment we take him to happy hour (he has earned it). The waitress smiles and asks him what he would like to eat. He looks at us and says, "Ask them what I want, they didn't let me have lunch where I wanted, I doubt they will let me pick now!" He is actually still pissed that I didn't take him to lunch at the porn shop. Note to Dad, the "edibles" section isn't what you think. I'm not fooling with you, IT'S REALLY NOT WHITE CASTLE!
oh. My side hurts. This will be funny every day for the rest of forever. You can't make this stuff up folks.

answers to the name of Lucky

2011-06-13T17:53:00.000-07:00

Have you ever seen the poster about the poor dog? I feel really "lucky" most days. I find myself hanging on by a thread, but in the end, still so happy to be living it. All of it.

My grandma tells a story of a bunch of people seated around a table. They are all heavily burdened, and decide that possibly they would rather have someone elses problems than their own. A swap is organized. Everyone puts their problems and worries out in the middle of the table to trade away, and in turn choose a new set to call their own. When they can see what the others are dealing with, eyes bulge, jaws drop, people gasp. Then quickly and quietly, they all gather up the burdens that they came with, and leave as fast as they can.

I get it. It's a good reminder. Sometimes it's harder to see the big picture when you are so focused on your own stuff. This last month has really felt like a trial, but things are slowly but surely shaping up. (Thank goodness!) Hopefully soon the sun will come out for a longer stretch and I can spend some nice time outside breathing fresh air. I have some fun things planned for us for the summer break and have lots to look forward to in the coming months. Once again I am reminded about perspective, and how even though when times are tough, I have so much to be thankful for. I am indeed lucky, and have the scars to prove it. What I have been reminding myself lately, is to enjoy the journey. It's long, and it's winding, but if I take a minute to appreciate the scenery, it is absolutely, breath takingly beautiful.

I love you Gram! (thanks for the reminder)

Profound

2011-06-07T11:19:00.000-07:00

Today's wisdom is brought to you by Maggie (age 6):
"Every day is a tomorrow, even today is a tomorrow!"
Yes, Love, it is. Wow.
She followed it up by making a box turtle out of spaghetti noodles, lentils and pinto beans. (at the crafty summer camp that Layla is currently running in the kitchen.) It's ok to be a little jealous. My kids are pretty awesome. (and they are available to rent, for the right price. Let's talk.)

"Tobin the box turtle" by Maggie

noodle turtle by Layla (craft camp director)

P is for poop

2011-05-24T16:38:00.000-07:00

The end of the school year is upon us, and by the end of next month we will have gotten through our second year of home school! The girls have their last classes this week (even though we are supposed to continue lessons through June), and Maggie had her last day of kindergarten yesterday.
When we got home Layla spent the afternoon painting printer paper with black paint, and made Maggie a graduation cap, along with an award certificate for her big day. Maggie wore the cap (once it was dry) and they had a little parade around the living room while humming pomp and circumstance. Very appropriate. (which is new for us. ha)

At long last I got my hot little hands on Maggie's alphabet book, which she has been working on all year. It is amazing (I may be biased, but probably I'm not, and my baby is a prodigy) and I am thrilled to finally get to call it my own! (you may remember it from this post) The holy grail of kindergarten projects is now mine. I am one happy lady.

P is also for proud, which is how I feel about my girls. We have made it through another year, and we are all still pretty much intact. I think a pizza party is in order. (with beer. for me.)

and now, because I love you, and it was too good to keep all to myself:

My new favorite thing.

Q is for Queen

official "you have graduated!" certificate,
and home made graduate's cap (with tassel). priceless.

you can't always get what you want..

2011-05-23T19:57:00.000-07:00

even though I am kind of used to getting just that. I had to go and mention irony, and in it's true fashion, it turned around and kicked me right in my ass. Not cool Universe, not cool.
As it turns out, a mere week after seeing the balloon, I wished I had it. My mother in law was on her way in to hug us goodbye, and hit the road back home to Alaska, when she fell out of the camper (in my driveway... on her way to say goodbye) and broke her femur. True story. The paramedics rolled (you may remember the young hotties that they keep at our local fire department down the road, from when they paid me a special visit on Valentine's day '08 after plunging a meat thermometer through my vegetarian hand..oh sweet irony, you've bested me again. Will I ever learn?!(this is said with reverence, not as a challenge, please understand))
Anyway, sweet young things came to my rescue once again. (sidebar: would it really be too much to ask that once, just once, when I had a need for emergency assistance, that a distinguished gentleman, or woman, would come to my aid? What is with the part time models thinking it's fine to be paramedics?! As if when someone has to cut your pants off, in the driveway, (yes it did), it is too much to ask that they could they just look like my mom, instead of the boy that didn't take me to the prom in high school?! SHIT!) Whisked my mil off in an ambulance, and then with a sideways smile, invited me to Starbucks. Um. Never mind. (my life is so weird)
She goes to the emergency room, and then gets admitted for emergency surgery. Alan meets his folks at the hospital, and calls me later to pick him up there. His car is dead in the parking lot. **shaking fist at irony** Car gets towed from ER parking lot. Etc..Etc..Etc....You are starting to get the picture.
Fast forward to today (since I wish I could). When everything gets all straightened out again, man am I going to appreciate it. Forever. I am sure that I don't need anymore tests of my strength, or mental stability (since I think we are all on the same page there..)
The sun is supposed to be out tomorrow. If they served spiked coffee at Starbucks, I might would take Mr. Hottie McFratboy up on his offer for a cuppa. Alas, we are knee deep in school, appointments, and packing to have any time for decompression, so onward. I will take it like a woman. Dominate. (or hang on by a thin thread, but do it wearing my best jeans, so at least my butt will look good)
Then, when all of this has passed, I will try to look back and laugh, happy to have survived. (then try to forget most of the details)

ps, I also survived the end of the world, which was predicted to be this last weekend. Guess I'm not done here yet. Although, truthfully I was almost looking forward to it. I am tired.

meds? yes please.

2011-05-15T13:13:00.000-07:00

They say that laughter is the best medicine. I agree. Nothing can turn your day around like a good, body shaking belly laugh. The longer the better. I also like to keep these on hand to take as needed:
beer/tequila
brownies/tater tots
good girl friends
sunny days (need to get this refilled)
fuzzy pants
naps
monkey sex (as in crazy style, not as in with monkeys)
mochas
discount retail shopping (deals=shopping high)

If you don't notice a change in symptoms, or your symptoms get worse, layer two or more (the more the better, preferably all at once). If you don't notice a drastic change in 6 months, something stronger is necessary. Most likely it could be fatal (to those around you) and/or contagious, so your best bet is some short intense isolation. Heat usually helps kill any surface troubles, but the important thing is to heal from the inside out. These things take time. Maybe pre schedule another "session" for 6 months out. You can never be too careful.

why didn't I think of that?!

2011-05-09T20:52:00.000-07:00

I told Alan that I should write more when Dad is here. He seriously cracks me up. Alan noted that someone already does that over at shit my dad says. Geez, every good idea I have has already been done. Or overdone. Although, looks like that guy has been falling behind lately. (Probably because he got a book deal AND a sitcom on a major network, starring my favorite piece of Shatner.)
So I will keep plugging along here, and if you don't hear from me for a while, it's probably because I went and got super famous and forgot all about you. (or possibly I got lost, or the kids have me locked in a closet. Maybe check those out first before quitting your day job to follow my tour as a superfan.)

mama said there'd be days like this

2011-05-07T20:05:00.000-07:00

So the other day, Dad and Alan were at the liquor store to get some libations to help us to celebrate cinco de Mayo. As they were paying for the goodies, the store attendants were locking up the doors because it was closing time. Apparently the employees were turning away wanna be customers left and right.
The boys walk out of the store with their bottles in paper bags and a lady comes ripping into the parking lot and swings to a stop next to them. They say the car had the bumper duct taped on, the headlights were all wonky and it was sporting other "home made" fixes as well. She spills out of the car and runs over yelling "I will give you TWICE what you paid!!" (without even knowing what they have in the bag). They laugh and Dad jokes "I'm sure we can work something out.." They jump into our car and come home. Later, (a few drinks in) they are recounting the story to us and expect me to laugh. (ok, I did. a little.) Um, did you hook her up? I asked. No, Alan says. She was all freaky and strung out. "Who are you to judge? I have had that EXACT same day lots of times", says me. "You gotta help a mama out! "
Turns out he was trying to help out this mama, and was worried I would have a similar reaction if he showed up empty handed. On second thought, great choice. Cheers. She probably didn't have strawberries for the chocolate/whipped cream/ berry shots anyway. Better luck next time friend.

isn't it ironic

2011-05-05T16:31:00.001-07:00

Irony. I am a fan, but I also have respect. I am always a little nervous that I might die on my birthday, understand that sometimes you will get completely screwed (not the good way), when you are trying to do the right thing, and with my luck I will probably have ALL of the winning lotto numbers the week before they are called. It's funny, really, it just takes a solid sense of humor to appreciate it.
Today I was at the hospital with Dad (for a follow up finger appointment, totally routine) and wandered into the gift shop. (of course) I found a balloon that said "you are in our thoughts and prayers" Um, really?! Not actually balloony, people! I can't believe I have to explain this, but balloons are for celebrations, parades, and for dumping on your head when you hit the big jackpot. (not when your friend or loved one is lying in a paper robe, in the hospital, with a flesh eating bacteria) I mean, if someone is in your thoughts and prayers, maybe a nice card, or some flowers would be a good choice. I am not claiming to be the classiest broad ever, but come on!
I almost wanted to get it just to have it on hand for emergencies. Baby shower? Quinceanera? It would ALWAYS be totally, inappropriately awesome. Dad had the best idea: Put it with a HUGE bouquet of black balloons and bring it to a funeral. Taadaa! You have single handedly just turned the entire event into a party. Your welcome mourners, you can now tap the keg and party down. Happy I could help.

If not me, then who?

2011-04-28T15:00:00.000-07:00

The "meeting" with the little girl (who got spit on) and her mama went as to be expected. That is to say that we were humble, and apologized, and were looking forward to moving on. I sat there quietly while she went on about how the behavior my children have now, can affect people well into adulthood. (um, yeah, so? they happen to be kids, have you heard of it?) Then about how Layla has always behaved this way. (since they have known her, almost 2 years. ps complete BS) and she also went into an area that seemed to me to be questioning my parenting. (really?!) Layla also sat quietly (after giving her sincere apology) with her eyes swollen and red from crying (for reals this time). I thought it went pretty well, I managed my behavior, and learned a couple of valuable lessons: you can't be friends with everyone, and also, sometimes people that look perfectly normal on the outside, are completely bat shit crazy.

Later I was recounting to my mom the way things went and she was appalled. She couldn't believe I just sat there whilst BSC berated my daughter and myself (for no reason). In my mind I was just surviving it, so we could be done. To Mom, we weren't standing up for ourselves or what we thought was right.

My whole life, my mom has been no one to reckon with. She is sometimes severe, and has even been called a bitch. (true story, unbelievable I know) I used to think these were less than complimentary terms, but as an adult I realise that, even though they sound bad, they are just adjectives like any other. I clearly remember a piece of advice that was "Janina, someone always has to be the bitch, and it might as well be you." This my friends, is TRUE information.
I sat in that classroom, letting someone else be the bitch. I let an adult pick on me and my child. I like to think that every negative experience is an opportunity to learn (this way, it's not just a horrible thing that happened, we can also grow from it... yeah) My mom is a strong woman, and always stands up for those that don't have their own voice. I think of myself as a strong woman, but if I see something that I don't think is right, more often I will just let it go and try to not get involved (since that is the easier and more comfortable route to take).

A favorite quote is this "Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed people can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has." (Margaret Mead)

Maybe just surviving isn't enough, if I can't stand up for myself or my children, who can I trust to do so? Being an adult is more than just getting older, it comes with the responsibility of being the voice for those of us who aren't as strong, or able to do it themselves.

I remember once at the mall (cringe), I was probably in high school, we saw a mama (I use the term loosely here, as to me it is a reverent word) yelling at her very small child and grab him by the ear and twist it. We were across the store at the time, and Mom shot over there like she was wearing a jet pack. I remember the feeling right now. I was more than embarrassed, I was mortified. She proceeded to inform the lady that what she was doing was no way to treat a child, and that if she didn't stop immediately, Mom was going to do something about it. (I am trying to melt into the floor at this point) I honestly think before that day, I had never been so humiliated in my life. (possibly never since. probably I have though, and was just too drunk to remember..) Anyway, that memory has stuck in my brain ever since, and I just realized, just a minute ago, my mom is a freaking SUPER HERO. I would have died a little inside seeing a child treated in that way, but I think I would have not gotten involved. I'm sure it was uncomfortable for her too, but she felt convicted, and knew that if she didn't stand up for that little boy, right then, no one would do it.

I think maybe bitch is a synonym for strong, or maybe even badass (neither of which are negative terms). As an adult now, I realise that it takes guts to be strong, it is far from easy, and there is always a fight. If I was ever to tangle with anyone, Mom would be the first person I would pick to be on my team. Damn right she's a bitch. Someone has to be. Lesson learned. (also, now that she has moved me to action, she will be the one I call to post my bail.) Thanks MOM!!!

ps, new favorite quote: "Well behaved women seldom make history." indeed.

hello again.

2011-04-20T12:34:00.000-07:00

After an on again, off again relationship, where I have been lifted to my highest highs, and plunged down to my lowest lows, where I have been sweetly tempted, and then left feeling depressed, lost many sleepless nights, and wasted so so so many empty calories, it is back on. Coffee, be mine, now and forever. I am sorry that I tried to ignore you, when the whole time, your dark, rich kiss helped me get through early mornings, and hard days. My breakfast is hollow without you, I want to wake up to you every morning. I dream of your smell, and the way you taste in my mouth, the way you make me feel. I think this is the real thing. I love you.

And, in other news.......

Layla had an incident the other day. A mom approached me in the school parking lot visibly upset. She proceeded to tell me that Layla had pushed her daughter in class (this wasn't the first time she claims) and then Layla SPIT in her hair. Um, WHAT?!?!
This mom was shaking and sounded like she could pop a vessel at any moment.

Well, I had just survived a lengthy visit from my in laws and I tell you, if I was ever ready to get into a fight, today was the day. I calmly set down my basket and got ready to rumble. I had so much pent up aggression I could have body slammed "the Rock", this little mousy haired, station wagon driving mama had NO IDEA what she was getting herself into. (I almost felt sorry for her...almost).

I guess she was smart enough to see the crazy in my eyes, or felt like I could handle the situation from there, but she scooted right along, which was a good thing for us both.

Please know that I am no stranger to getting the boot, but looking back, fist fighting another mama over my daughter's bad behavior would probably not send quite the right message. (bonus points for me realizing that, before actually getting us all expelled from the program-yay me!!)

Fast forward to a few hours later after I have endlessly grilled Layla about this entire ordeal. I am shouting (since spitting in hair is totally not how we behave...well, I guess unless provoked. oops) and she is crying. And crying. And crying. I am having a hard time getting past it. Why would she behave this way?! What made her think that her behavior was acceptable. She spends the next 2 days with me spouting questions and expletives in a tourettes fashion, and her looking VERY sorry and remorseful, almost fighting back tears the entire time. Or so I thought.

This morning she woke up with her eyes stuck shut, and I find out that the swollen, red eyes she has had these past two days are not from her guilt over her bad behavior, but pink eye. That's right, she has conjunctivitis. Thank you, thank you, I am now going to accept my "Mother of the Year Award".

Whatever, I took her to the doctor first thing, she got her very own roll of paper towels in the bathroom, and her own fancy lavender hand sanitizer, so I am still totally legit. (and we might have had a small talk about karma. that's how I roll bitches!)

my dad is cool

2011-03-18T17:11:00.000-07:00

my dad had surgery on his finger recently, (don't laugh, fingers are legitimate body parts too) up at OHSU, so he is staying with us for a week, until his post-op, while he recuperates. I tell you, it's not exactly like a weekend at the spa here, we are BUSY, and loud and rascally, I wasn't sure he would be able to handle it. He used to be pretty fun, but lately he has been kind of quiet and grumpy (lately=the last decade or so). Usually when my folks come, my dad is on good behavior for a few days, and then threatens to leave about every 3 minutes until their actual departure.
This time something is different, it may be the meds that they gave him for pain (possible), or that he is excited to spend some quality time with us (without my mom--likely). I have been trying to include him in everything we do, since a major reason of less than ideal behavior is usually due to boredom.
Today he loaded up with me to go pick up Layla from school, and waited patiently in the car while I went inside. When we got back on the road, I spied a blue Volkswagen beetle (circa late 60s) so I gave him a "slug" (duh). It just so happened that the light turned red and we ended up right next to the bug. Dad motions for the (rather young and lovely, not that I noticed) guy to roll down his window. Here we go. "Hey dude! your car just got me punched!" says Dad. Young and Lovely just laughs (silly old man), luckily now our light turns green, so I start to pull away. Dad is still yelling at this kid across 4 lanes of traffic, something about how his lights weren't even on. (DAD! do you even know the rules to slug bug? There is only 1, and it doesn't have anything to do with lights)
He then turns to me and demands french fries. I whip around and find a drive through. We pull up to the speaker box, he leans over me and says "WE WANT FIVE DOLLARS WORTH OF NOTHING BUT FRENCH FRIES!!" (I don't know if you remember this about Dad, but he thinks that the speaker is more like a tin can telephone and he has to somehow project his order loud enough for them to hear it through the wires)
The drive through guy repeats his order, (which I thoroughly enjoy, since of course they don't sell fries by the pound, and also since it is THE BEST order ever!) and tells us to pull forward. We get the fries and pull back out onto the road. AC/DC comes on, so I crank it up and we start howling to Back in Black and drumming on the dash. Random people on the sidewalk give us weird looks, and we just smile and wave.
I am having a great time until the song is over and Layla insists that I "change it back to Coffee House". Geez, back to real life.

you won't believe this,

2011-03-06T17:38:00.000-08:00

but not only did we survive, I fell in love. Again.

with bright, vivid colors, free, public art, living tradition, and simplicity. With fresh, delicious food, not being in charge, beauty in the details, and things too good to be true. With the possibility of the future, and once again, like every morning for the last 15 years, the love of my life.

it is so ridiculously amazing here, I am almost jealous of MYSELF!!

2011-03-02T17:28:00.000-08:00

I decided to try blogging a little about the trip while I am still here this time, for a better chance of the story ever being told.
Warning, you will most likely hate me after you read this, so proceed with caution, and you may want to pour yourself a drink. (I know I am!)
OH! It's happy hour, I will have to update you later!

SALUD!

2011-02-25T15:39:00.000-08:00

I don't have even one free minute, but I wanted to tell you that I am leaving for Mexico in the morning. My in-laws have told us that we probably won't make it out alive, (they tell us this every time) but it happens to be a risk I am willing to take.
In final preparation for take off, I need to paint my toenails (this is always a last minute item, as you may recall), find and conquer the beard hair, shave both legs (past the knee), pack (including new bathing suit with WAAAAAY too much cleavage-thanks mom), and try to get a little sleep before our 4:30 am departure (from home).
Also, my birthday is coming up in 3 days, and I couldn't be more excited. I will enjoy a birthday brunch at Lindo Mar (my very favorite brunch EVER, expect pictures), a cooking class at one of PV's top restaurants, and apparently Alan and Robert are in cahoots on some birthday beach adventure that promises to be amazing. I asked for a piece of jewelery a day for my birthday present, so I am excited to get started on picking out my new treasures, and I am currently down 27 pounds, so I look pretty cute in my beach wear. All in all, not a bad birthday I say.
If we do happen to survive our trip and make it home, there will be stories told and pictures shared. Stay tuned!

adventures in kindergarten

2011-02-08T08:48:00.000-08:00

yesterday I was helping out in Maggie's kindergarten class, and they were learning about the letter "P". Each child has a laminated alphabet book that they have been working in since the beginning of the year, and each day they add a new letter or two to the pages. The kids were adding Ps and Rs to the book, along with a picture for each. I was circulating with stickers to encourage their work, so I would stop at each child, check their letters, and ask about their drawings. There were pandas, pencils, parrots and puppies, very strong work. Finally I made my way back to my little sweetie, her Ps were top shelf, I couldn't help but feel a little proud. Then I wanted to compliment her picture but I couldn't quite tell what it was. Trying to be delicate and supportive I said "Mags, I LOVE your drawing, what is happening in it?" She looked up at me, smiled sweetly and said "it's me POOPING!" and started cracking up. "Um, I'm not quite sure that is appropriate hun, for your alphabet book, could you please draw another "P" thing so we can write it on the line under the picture?" Without missing a beat, she picked up her pencil and drew herself some "paper". Indeed.

cutie

2011-02-03T15:36:00.000-08:00

this is a quicky. (some days call for those)
This morning the girls watched a movie called Ponyo. It is about a little girl that turns into a goldfish (or the other way around, can't quite remember). Anyway there is a song at the end and it goes "Ponyo, ponyo, ponyo, magic set's you free;
oh she's a little girl with a round tummy". Maggie was skipping around all morning singing it to herself. About the 47th time through she started giggling and said, "hey! she's just like me! I have a round tummy!" and she gave her cute belly a little rub.
Man, I love that girl, she gives me hope that I am doing something right.

It's me!

2011-01-26T20:39:00.000-08:00

you might not recognise me though, since I have lost 21 pounds!! (don't worry, I won't steal your man...on purpose) I like to think it is because I have been so good at cutting back on portions, and making good food choices, and literally running and sweating my ass off in hot yoga, but maybe it's because I do not have a free moment in a day to just sit down. Either way, I'll take it for now, and later when I pass out from exhaustion, maybe work something else out. (if it ain't broke..)
I have also been completely dominating the field in homeschooling lately, and, um, I guess that's all.
I had an epiphany recently, life is like juggling. You can, at any one time, keep a couple, or maybe if you are really good, a few balls in the air. If you do nothing else, you can hone your skills and eventually people can throw extra balls at you, that you can manage with ease and make everyone wonder how you do it. I however, never even learned to juggle, so I am pretty much screwed. I am trying here, really I am, but my manual dexterity is questionable, and that, combined with my lack of grace, and my propensity for distraction, makes the whole thing kind of almost impossible. My balls (haha-balls!) are currently: 1) getting myself healthier and 2) home school. I am ROCKING these. I Guess I can juggle after all. (when there aren't actual balls involved, apparently I can figure it out.)(haha-balls) I can do these 2 things. Never mind that my house is a mess, my car is out of gas, and I can't remember what my husband looks like. (lucky for me, Alan has had decades of practice cleaning up after me-literally and figuratively) so he doesn't even notice a difference except that I have a few less chins now. And he likes it. Everybody's a winner.
In other news, I am going to Mexico for my birthday. We are leaving in a month, I think I will start packing. My mom is coming to stay with the girls, and will probably juggle my stuff, add 12 more things, and set them all on fire whilst riding a unicycle. Moms are magical, how do they do that? Shit! Am I supposed to do be able to pull that off some day?! I need a nap.

perspective

2010-12-18T15:47:00.001-08:00

It's funny sometimes, how our feelings seem so out of our control. Yesterday I had a blue day, for no reason at all (except the phase of the moon, hormones, holidays, you know, no reason). The sun was shining and it was a crisp winter day, the sky was blue and the kids were even trying to behave. Yet there I was, crying into my shirt about how sad I was. I was very sad.
It is easy to get sucked into the "poor me" mentality. I have to change Layla's pump site and it will hurt her, and it will hurt my heart. I have to have workers here all week to fix a problem that came about all on it's own, with no rhyme or reason,(underground wiring, rain, rocks) and it costs money. I want to eat chocolate, or carbs, or anything but celery, but I know that it wouldn't help me reach my goal of getting to where I want to be. I want my hair to look pretty, and it doesn't, it sticks out, and my face is round, and too pink. The shoes that I ordered don't fit. My chocolate didn't come in the mail...Silly things. Things that don't matter.
Guess what? Last night there was a storm, there was wild wind, and pouring rain, and today the sun was out again. The roads were all messy, trees had lost branches, and the creek by our house was swollen up, full to the very edges of it's banks. I went for a run outside. It is beautiful here. Right here, where I get to live, it is paradise. Sure it is wet, and soggy and covered with moss, but I have a warm dry house, and fuzzy pants. (and today, I have back up at home with me, so the teams are even).
Sometimes it takes a storm to shake things up a bit, make it nice and messy, so it can become clear how lucky we are. In it's chaos, and the destruction that it leaves behind, it reveals the things that are comfortable that we take for granted, every day. Today, in the fresh air, I realised that yes, Layla having diabetes does suck. Bad. It sucks worse than anything else. But also, we are lucky enough that we have money to buy her insulin, and pump supplies. Not everyone is that lucky. Today, I thought about how lame it is to have to pay a bunch of money at Christmas time, to electricians, to fix something that just broke (even though it shouldn't have),but, we are lucky that it will get fixed. (and in time for my parents to get to come stay with us for Christmas). MY PARENTS ARE COMING FOR CHRISTMAS! I ate one delicious (small) muffin, and I remembered that I am looking better every day because of the changes I have been making, and every decision counts. I looked in the mirror and laughed, remembering that it is just hair, and I am lucky to have any at all. (also that pink is a great color to be, it is bright, and healthy and alive.)
It's all about perspective, the way you look at something can change the way it is, to you at least, and let's face it, that's what counts. Today was a good day, I made it that way. I am in total control of my own happiness. (well..today I am, that chocolate better come soon!)

let he who is without sin...

2010-12-08T20:24:00.000-08:00

I had a curious interaction today with a boy in our science class. I was helping a little girl with her project and he came up to me and asked "are you a Christian?" Not wanting to scare him (or offend this little fellow) and also feeling a little curious about where this conversation was headed, I answered "some days.." He glanced at my ring finger, (where I have my wedding band tattooed) then turned his tone very condescending and said "well, the bible says you shouldn't put ink on your body!" HA!
It should be known that I have spent a fair amount of time in church, and I am very well aware of what the bible says. I am also aware that the good book has been translated, updated and rewritten so many times, that the original text is a mere digest of what it once was. The actual verse is in Leviticus (19:28) and says, "Do not cut your bodies for the dead, and do not mark your skin with tattoos. I am the Lord." Seems pretty clear doesn't it. Indeed. (and here comes my problem with that) Just for fun, let's go ahead and look some of the other verses right around those couple of sentences, shall we? This passage in Leviticus, including the surrounding text, is specifically dealing with the pagan religious rituals of the people living around the Israelites. God didn't want his people to get confused (apparently by looking like the pagan tribes that were their neighbors, in case it would lead them astray) fair enough. He is their father and he is trying to protect them.
This is the go to passage that is quoted when people that don't appreciate tattoos want to show you that the bible says it is wrong. Why do you think they never mention the verses that come right before it? ready, and.....verse 26, "Do not eat meat that has not been drained of its blood," and verse 27, "Do not trim off the hair on your temples or trim your beards." This would mean that all Christians should keep kosher and not get haircuts! (or else face the harsh wrath of being a practicing pagan!) Back then these customs were associated with pagan rites and rituals. Today they are not. I think my favorite though is back just a little further, (Leviticus 19:19) "Nor shall a garment of mixed linen and wool come upon you." The good people of Israel were commanded to avoid the mixing of fibers in their garments! Like I mentioned before, I have spent many an hour in a pew and I am telling you, polyester blends were all OVER that place. (not to mention the super cute, but overly judgmental kid today, was wearing at least 3 different kinds of fabric.) I bet you a dollar he couldn't quote any of those other verses surrounding the one that he referenced to me. It made me wonder why he would think that it was his job to tell me that I was bad. Bad according to who? A bad mother? A bad wife? A bad person?
I hope that in raising my children I teach them to be loving, caring, compassionate humans, that are less judgmental and more forgiving. The world has enough finger pointing and furrowed eyebrows. It needs more understanding glances, more people willing to help others, more good neighbors, more art, more poetry, more smiles.
I will tell you right now (in good faith) that I am not a pagan. I'm not. I am not against them, I just don't happen to be one. Also, the wisdom of our mothers still rings true-don't judge a book by it's cover. You will, inevitably, miss all of the very best ones if you are going for the prettiest, most perfect copy. The ones with the colorful jackets, scuffed bindings and dog eared pages always have the best stories, the most adventure, and you would be surprised how much truth, honesty and goodness you will find inside.
Kids are so cool, they are exactly a product of their environment. It was a good reminder what a monumental task we have in our hands, right now, and how very careful we must be to let them become distinct individuals, with morals and standards, but at the same time, shelter them from the glaring harshness of reality whenever we can. To try and help them become productive members of society, while securing in themselves the knowledge that they are amazing, and beautiful, and brilliant. And that everyone is different. Thank God.

fall back

2010-11-15T15:53:00.000-08:00

I had a lovely time in Missouri, but it was a very fast trip, spanning various states, and multiple time zones, all in a 4 day stretch. Add to that staying up way too late watching chick flicks and giggling, and you have the recipe for one tired mama. (Let me clarify-my mom and the aunties were still going strong, I think I even slowed them down sometimes!)
It is so amazing to me how beautiful this country is. I think it's strange that people want to travel, so they think they have to leave the United States and head to some foreign and exotic land. There is so much to be seen here, so much breath taking beauty, right here, connected to the very soil where we live every day. Domestic travel is great for lots of reasons, but one is that ticket prices are usually much less costly, and when you arrive at your destination, everyone there (pretty much) speaks your language! Your money is good to go, without having to exchange it, or figuring out what the current rate of the U.S. dollar is. (math is hard) My favorite part though, is that you may have some relative (distant ones work too-look them up!) that will meet you at the other end, and lend you their couch to sleep on, and be your personal guide to the city. It doesn't get much better than that!
My Aunt Loretta was our gracious hostess this time, and was glad to show us all around the secret treasures of the St. Louis area. The food was fantastic, the weather was clear and crisp, and the company, as always, was my very favorite part. It is so neat for me to get to see places that are different from where I live. I saw ginkgo trees that were loaded with fruit, and picnicked at a state park that was filled with tall, thin trees, with sparse, yellowing leaves, that had white papery bark. I saw oriels and even a lone (brownish and kind of disappointing) cardinal! The dirt was a different color than my dirt, and the river rocks were paler than the ones we dig out of our garden. The actual earth there was made of different things than at home. I wanted so badly to go out in the evening and catch a jar full of fireflies, but the season had just ended and they had all disappeared. (my cousin told me they died, but I think they maybe flew south-since that's what I would do if I was a firefly)
We bought antiques, and took walks through crunchy leaves. We laughed. We shopped at vendors that had things from all over the world. I ate a caramel apple as big as my head. (I had help) I got a sweatshirt that was made in the shadow of Mt. Kilimanjaro (which I LOVE!) And I didn't even need my passport.

It was a great trip. I need a nap.

full circle

2010-10-28T12:01:00.000-07:00

I have lots of "boyfriends". They are men that interest me for many reasons, and make me think I am in love with them. Reasons could include a) dimples, b) piratey appearance, c) shirtless construction workers and/or d) anyone bearing gifts (ie-the UPS man-of course). I would also like to add at this point, in case you don't really know me at all, it is love from afar. Since a) pirates are actually dangerous and smelly, b) construction workers often partake in smokeless tobacco which is like my 3rd least favorite thing in the world (after war and under wires) AND it includes spitting-ew, and c) I happen to already own a dimpled, piratey love who brings me gifts. YAY ME!

One of my mom's favorite stories to tell about me is when I was 2 and had a pair of red tennies. We lived in a house in a neighborhood with a little front yard, edged by a sidewalk, and then of course, a road. It wasn't a busy road, but the occasional car did happen past, and there were very strict rules about using the sidewalk, and going any where near the black top. There was a line carved into the concrete (where it met the pavement) and the rule was that I was to NEVER cross the line. Ever. (safety first and all that) So Mom says (I mean, come on, I was 2, I have no memories of any of this. I can barely remember breakfast--and today it was more like brunch, since I just finished it) that I used to look right at her to be sure she was looking, and then, stick one red tennied toe over the line. Just to be contrary, or see if she would explode, or what. (Now that I am a mother myself, I plead the 5th, 2 year olds have no control over themselves, and should not be expected to behave well. Have I mentioned that I am still 2 years old?)
Anyway, one of her cute little memories is me, acting all rascally, wearing bright red sneakers.
Guess what? (hold on, I'm about ready to tie this all together)
You know I love the UPS man, and he just came with my NEW SHOES!! Guess what else?! They are RED! Look out world, I have bright red sneakers, and a non supervised weekend coming up. Please drive extra carefully, and watch for my toes sticking out into the road. I just can't promise that I will behave.
Just a side note, my mom also ordered a pair and we are taking on the world together WITH the Aunties to boot. I hope the planet survives.

me (with one of my many boyfriends) Donavon Frankenreiter-we are in love.

here I go!

2010-10-26T16:16:00.001-07:00

Just a quick check in today, so many things to do, and always, not enough time to get it all done.
I have hit the second of my weight loss goals today, I have lots of them. Lose 10 pounds was the first one, (the next one was to make it to a round number, which was only 2 more pounds after that). I have a friend that successfully lost 65 pounds and she said to make lots of small goals, so when you meet them you feel like you are making good progress. I think it is working, and I get to go pick out my reward prize this weekend in St. Louis! I want a $15 little thing, seems pretty reasonable to me (although, when I want something, I can always find a way to make it seem reasonable to myself, it's a gift)
My next goal is losing 10% of my original weight (the doctor actually "prescribed" this one at my last appointment, so it is kind of a big deal). I will hit that when I lose 8 more pounds! (this will be 20 pounds down, that is a little more than 10% for me, but like I said, I like round numbers) I have a prize picked out for that one too, it helps to know your motivation.
In other BIG news, I am leaving on the red eye flight in 2 days bound for St. Louis! My mom and the Aunties are meeting me there (one lives there and is hosting). We are going to experience fall in Missouri, I hear it is phenomenal, and I am very excited. We are going to an apple butter festival, the botanical gardens, some outdoor markets and other fun girly stuff. I am literally giddy. (it might be the coffee-hard to say) I will only be gone for a 4 day weekend, but am feeling like I need to get a little attention, as opposed to giving it for a few days, so I think this will be just the thing! (squee!)
I am trying to train for a 5k run in March called the Shamrock run, it is one of my goals. I don't actually run (ever) so this is a big one for me. Usually my legs feel wobbly and I think I am going to throw up when I get off of the treadmill from my jog (3 minutes at a time so far! ug, I don't know if I can do this!) but so far, I am feeling optimistic and it has kept me going. Eyes on the prize baby-nothing tastes as good as thin feels!
The rainy season has officially started here, and the sky is dark all the time, and the skies have opened. I am so thankful everyday for my warm house and my cozy little family. Speaking of them, time to go get a little math done. Take care!

ain't love grand

2010-10-11T14:33:00.000-07:00

Two weeks ago I celebrated 14 years of marital bliss with a boy that came to my 15th birthday. Alan says he knew I was "the one" when he first laid eyes on me. I think he made that up because he knows girls like romantic stuff like love at first sight. (although to his credit, I was a super cute 14 year old, for the record). I say that I knew he was "the one" after we had been married about 7 years. These things take time.
Alan has always been smart, logical, level headed, stable and even. I have always been sassy, silly, naughty, crazy and inappropriate. Over the years some things have changed; the way we look, what we eat, having a bunch of kids, level of debt (you know...everything) but the above character traits have stayed pretty much the same after all of this time. We were basically opposites when we met, and now after living over half of my life with him, I choose to call it "complementary". (It sounds more positive I think).
Sometimes when he does things the absolute ~~wrong~~ opposite way than I would have done them, I sit there, confused, and try to figure out why anyone would do such a thing. A perfect example is making the bed. Every night he strips all of the blankets off until just the bottom fitted sheet is left, and pulls up each layer nice and tight until it is just so. Then the pillow are arranged and he can get in. When I am feeling up to the challenge, I hurry to brush my teeth first and jump into bed so I can yank the covers up all wonky (how I like them), and when he tries to strip the bed down, a tug of war ensues. (With me ALWAYS victorious (thank you very much), after living with me for so long, Alan has learned that you just can't fight with crazy. I told you he was smart.)
It would almost seem to an outsider that I do these things just to be contrary, but honestly, it is just my way, I don't try to label it. I think when we were newlyweds we had to work so hard at being married, that we were a little distracted and overwhelmed, and now that is just the way we are.
We have changed each other a little bit though, over the years. Alan isn't quite as serious as he used to be, and I try to be less insane. (I said try) We don't question each other as much as we used to, we trust more, and share responsibility. Alan tries his best to understand me, and is very kind and tolerant of me and my ways, and tries to support me whenever he can, even when it puts him outside of his normal comfort zone.
He smiles and sighs when I invite strangers over for parties (internet friends are barely strangers), he rolls his eyes when I get 14 boxes of fiber cereal because it is a good price, and he barely even breaks stride when I say things like "I bought a red robot vacuum today." (even though he has never heard of a robot vacuum and they sound really expensive)
When we were out for our anniversary, I realized just how much he has changed over the years. He had taken me to Lush (my very favorite store for smelly stuff) to get some deodorant, a shampoo bar and some dusting powder, and was patiently standing by whilst I made best friends with the cutie with the facial piercings behind the counter. I told Cutie that I was there for my powder and he mentioned that it was now discontinued and what was on the shelf was all there would ever be. EVER. (whoa, I almost cried-seriously) Now I am not a big fan of beauty supplies, or even a high maintenance girl in general, but I like what I like. With out a word, Alan walked over to the shelf and proceeded to load ALL of the remaining powders into the basket. There were 9 little cans.
Does he think I am ridiculous? Absolutely. Did he think I would have left without all of the powders? Probably not. Did he make me super happy and remind my why I love him? Indeed. I skipped out of the store. On the way back to the car, we also snuck into an emergency room to use the bathroom....It was almost too much for me to process in one day. Good thing the next day he was back to his sensible self. I don't even think I will mess with the covers this week. (too much)

I love Alan

tradition

2010-09-21T20:48:00.000-07:00

Tonight I am blazing a trail into unknown territory. There is a little project I have been wanting to do for a long time, and tonight I got out 3 pairs of scissors and I started it.
When I was little, I had a very special, very favorite blanket, named Wooby. My great grandma Maggie made it for me when I was tiny,and it was perfect. On one side there was pastel wild flowers (my VERY favorite thing!!) and the other side had an amazing technicolor 70s print complete with yellow lions, pink puppies, and Raggedy Anns. It had a silky binding that I would rub on my cheeks when I needed to feel it. (you know, therapeutically). My mom was continuously mending it and fixing the binding, (real love is tough on things!) After many years of good, solid, hard use, I lovingly wrapped it in tissue and put it away in a box in the garage. I was leaving for college.
A few days later I married Alan and adopted his childhood blanket-cowboy blanket. Alan's blanket was not as good, but I was IN LOVE with this boy, and it smelled like him, and I thought it was cool that it had been his for such a long time. (Honestly, it was made of the same type of fabric as my Wooby, and that is why I really loved it.)
A few years back, my mom brought Wooby to my house, and we washed it up, and Maggie snagged it for her own at first sight. I was a little, um, hesitant, but how could I say no? It was obvious that she felt a similar kinship to Wooby that I had felt as a little girl. (and let's be honest, for therapy now, I need a little more than a silky rub on the cheek) I let her put it on her bed. Every thing was fine until one night she yelled from her room that she was "ALL TANGLED UP IN THE BLANKETS!!" I went in to rescue her, only to find that there was a gigantic hole through one side of Wooby. I untangled her, gently gathered up my blanket and retired it once again.
Alan's cowboy blanket is falling apart at the seams, and the nasty 1975 polyfill batting keeps trying to touch my face when I am sleeping. Against Alan's wishes, I still have it on our bed (well just on my side-he hates it and thinks I am nuts. I am.)
Anyway, in my mind (where I am 120 pounds and a superior crafter) I have done this amazing project where I salvage my favorite fabric of all time (it's a loose weave cotton, and feels soooo soft, there is nothing like it available now)from both of these blankets, and piece them together into one amazing super Wooby, to snuggle with to the end of my days. So tonight I cut them all apart from their battings and bindings, and cut through all of the 1970s yarn ties and started cutting them into 6" squares to build my very first quilting project. Please don't be confused here-I have NO IDEA what I am doing. I don't even have a book.
The blankets were both in a horrible state of disrepair, and honestly couldn't have been in much worse shape, so I don't feel too nervous. My Wooby had patches and mismatched binding (some yellow, some blue, some thick, thin, silky, cotton) it was almost a quilt already. Cowboy blanket was literally falling apart. I feel like since I am doing this project for myself, it can't really go wrong.
With a heavy heart I disassembled them. Maggie was there and got really upset. "Mama! Why did you cut up that blanket?!? I LOOOOOVE that blanket!!!" I told her I was going to try to fix it. She believed me until she saw me cut it up into little pieces. I hope she likes the final product, I will probably have to share.
I really like the idea of a project so long in the making. I think of Alan's mom making cowboy blanket for him when he was just a little thing. And I think of my grandma Maggie sewing together all of the colorful fabrics that she had picked out just for me, when I was so small. I think of the hot California nights when I had to go to bed when it was still light out, so I hid my face under the blanket and felt the cool cotton on my cheeks. All of the tears that my blanket dried when things went wrong, and all of the mud puddles that it got dragged through just because. It was a fort, it was a cape, it was stuffed under my shirt to be a pregnant belly. It was a friend.
Now I am using my hands to give it a new life as one of the coolest things ever. A blanket. No matter what, it will be perfect. (I am leaning towards a silky binding.)

cookie monster

2010-09-15T18:22:00.001-07:00

So it is a week into my current diet and I am feeling great! I have been on countless diets before and some have worked, some haven't. Never the fault of the diet, always the fault of the dieter. If you stick with a program, it will work, the trick is keeping up the hard work until the weight comes off. Believe me, I know, it is hard work. Always before I have decided that I didn't like the way I look (usually after seeing myself and all of my chins in random pictures that friends took, in awkward poses, usually 2.5 sheets to the wind-not pretty under any circumstance-but I digress...) this time, my motivation is different.
I used to work with a girl, she was average. Her hair was normal, her face was pretty, her belly was jiggly-you know, my kind of girl. Just like me in fact. She just posted some pictures of herself on facebook (or the downfall of civilization, as Alan calls it) the other day, and she is a knock out! Seriously, it's ridiculous. I looked at her, and then I looked again.
Here was a normal girl, that I knew, that had lost 65 pounds by just getting it done. (sounds easy right? HA!) Well, feeling my pants get tighter and tighter wasn't a strong enough motivator (plus I totally ROCK yoga pants, so why bother with jeans anyway-right?) but besting this girl was. Leave it to me to find a bitchy way to find my muse. (it's a gift) I decided right then that if she could do it, then you bet your sweet ass that I could do it too. It was ON!
So here I am, a week in and doing fine. Better than ever before on a diet even. Any time I need to remember what my goal is, I can peek at her gorgeous skinny pictures and remember right away. She is now a super model and I am rolling around in stretchy pants. (please note that later when I fall off of the wagon, I will need support and lots of cookies. Also note, PMS is rapidly approaching..that of course needs no further explanation)
I have been spending all kinds of time swapping recipe ingredients to make yummy things that I can eat and still feel full and have the foods I want. (and need, let's just be honest here for a minute-why do you think I am in this position in the first place? cookies=need)
Without further ado, I give you

diet friendly kick ass almost peanut butter chocolate chip cookies (WHUT?!-OH YEAH!)

1/2 C sugar free maple syrup
1/2 C Better n' Peanut Butter (fake peanut butter, find it at Trader Joes)
1 tsp vanilla extract (I used almond, I'm a freak like that)
1 C whole wheat flour
2 Tbsp mini chocolate chips

preheat oven to 350*. Put parchment on your big cookie sheet. In a large mixing bowl whooge together syrup, nut butter, and vanilla. When it's nice and smooth, stir in flour. When it's a nice stiff dough, add chippies. Use your cookie scoop to plop it all onto the parchment (I got 21 this time, they don't grow much so you can crowd them) and stick it in the oven for 10 minutes. They will slip right off the parchment no problem, so you can eat them right away. (I know this is important!)

these little babies will knock your socks off and they are only 40 calories each! even less if you leave out the chips-but why would you EVER do that? These whip up in minutes-please learn from my mistake and make them when no one is looking, or you will have to share. (which really isn't fair at all)

that's all-j out

back to school

2010-09-07T14:18:00.000-07:00

every year (for the last 3 so far anyway) the back to school season makes me think of the bad Adam Sandler movie "Billy Madison," and more specifically this scene.
I can't start getting school ready without this silly song getting stuck in my head. (and feeling an almost desparate craving for snack packs) The worst part is, I don't know any of the other words of the song after "Back to school," and it must be sung the same goofy way as Adam does it. The result is me walking around sounding like an idiot singing the same 3 words over and over again. I have actually made up quite a few of my own verses just to break up the monotony. (and they are pretty good too, if I do say so myself, clever words rhyming with school are kind of tricky to come up with)
Anyway, it is back to school time for us, or rather, back in school, since we don't really go anywhere for a while. We are taking lots of creative classes this year (read as: classes I don't have to teach, where the girls get to learn things I don't know, and we get to be away from each other for an hour at a time-YIPPEE!) We are all really looking forward to classes starting, but are finding ways of keeping busy and schoolish until we get to move on to more exciting things.
Layla will be starting second grade this year and my baby will be in kindergarten. Somehow this seems kind of like a big deal to me. I feel torn between relief that they are finally growing up and, um, nope, that's it I guess. I thought for a minute it would be a little sad, having my baby officially a grade schooler, but I am doing ok for now. (let me remind you that school hasn't technically started for us yet-tomorrow is our first day, so I reserve the right to change my mind and get all freaky and hormonal over it in the next few weeks, or year, or you know, ever.)
We have had a fantastic fun filled summer, and besides my tomato bushes being loaded with giant green tomatoes, and the onset of fall without a single one making it to ripeness (pause for breath-phew!) I am ready for fall to make it's appearance.
We have made lots of jam with fruit we picked (and local honey-mmm) and are planning to make some applesauce soon, our new classes are very exciting, and it is always fun to meet new friends and learn new things. I am ready to get back to our days having some kind of schedule and consistency, I am NOT looking forward to the early mornings, but have some fun and yummy breakfast and snack ideas. (leave it to me to use food as my motivator)
Speaking of that, I thought I would follow up the "IlovemyselfIamadandelion" post with a bout of I hate being jiggly self loathing, (oops) so today is the start of a new diet. Let's not call it that though if you please. I would much prefer, "days of delicious breakfast shakes (and another for lunch, and a sensible dinner)" instead, because somehow, that sounds less daunting and more manageable. Actually, instead of sensible dinner, let's say mouthwatering, wonderful dinner, just a bit less than I want to have because I am watching portion sizes, or something like that. You know, to keep morale high. I am carefully choosing some motivational items (read as: amazing things I want to buy on the internet but don't have a good reason to justify the purchase) to reward myself when I reach goals. (goal today, do NOT eat my weight in chocolate, or chips...let's start small, so we don't get set up for immediate failure) It is currently almost 3 o'clock and I still get 2 more shakes and a yummy dinner. I am feeling pretty good! I see new earrings in my near future!

ps-I will take some first of school pictures and share them soon, maybe this weekend when we go to the Rogue Valley. It is currently raining here, so we are stuck inside and look a little crazed (I think the cabin fever is sinking in-NOT good since it is just the beginning of the dark seasons!) not a good look for pictures (although, probably more realistic-ha!)

apples and oranges

2010-08-13T20:33:00.000-07:00

this is the back seat conversation that took place today. I had told the girls that they needed to be quiet and on good behaviour since we were in stop and go, Friday traffic and I was feeling kind of stressed out.
Mags: random loud chattering
Layla "Maggie! you need to be more quiet, that yelling is very dangerous!"
Maggie "Listen here, I'll tell you what's dangerous, a pet bear, now that would be dangerous!!"

Well, you can't really argue with that now can you?
Have I told you lately that I love these girls?

aha!

2010-07-14T11:43:00.000-07:00

I was just in the shower, soaping up all of my glaringly white, jiggly bits, and thought, "now that is a great body." True story. I will let you know, that in my life until this moment, I have had this thought less than a handful of times. As you know, I am not a super model, (or even a hand model for that matter), and as most women do, judge myself rather harshly. Sure, I don't like wearing a bathing suit, and tight pants make my tummy squish out at the top (not attractive, just believe me on this), but there are things that I do like, and I forget to focus on those things. I have great ankles. My elbows are also very nice.
I have heard it said many times that you can't change someone. I believed it too, people are who they are. With my new found self appreciation though, I would like to tell you that that statement is indeed wrong. People are constantly changing, and if you are a major influence in their life, you will inevitably change them.
I used to be a girl (and now a woman) who had a decent amount of self respect and self esteem, but always in the back of my mind, a little itchy spot of self loathing, that would ooze out and infect my brain sometimes with negativity and self doubt. I believe this is normal, to a point. (I am still working on my *phd, so it's hard to say if I am actually right, or just agree with myself)
I sometimes wonder, if I am a happy girl, with a good life, why do I think I need to look differently to be truly happy? Alan tells me that he loves me exactly like I am. (he says this often, apparently I need convincing) Is it possible for him to really love me even though I don't look like societies ideal of the perfect woman? Could it be that maybe his idea of the perfect woman is me? With my freckles poking out, and my hair frizzing up, an entire wardrobe of clothes that have elastic waists instead of zippers and buttons? The answer is no. (or so I had convinced myself) But then I stepped back. Who am I to say what is beautiful?
Dandelions are my favorite flower. In high school I loved orchids, they were tropical and rare. When I was a young adult, I loved hydrangeas, they grew in the yard of my first house. Now that I have beautiful girls who pick me dandelion bouquets by the handful, they are my very favorite flower, hands down. I can't see a dandelion without smiling, they make my heart happy. Their bright vibrant color, the amazing way that they change from a tiny green bud, to a fuzzy yellow flower, to a white feathery seed puff, to me, are a perfect example of beauty. I would take a fistful of dandelions any day over an expensive bouquet of anything.
Then I got it. I am a dandelion! I am Alan's dandelion. Some people see weeds and break out the round-up, (Alan used to), but now we pick them, and blow the puffs all over the yard, and make wishes like crazy. And smile. Maybe my job isn't to the be prettiest, or the skinniest, or the best. Maybe my job is to help people smile. It is a very respectable job I think.
One thing I really enjoy about getting older is that somehow things seem to sort themselves out. Life gets a certain clarity all on it's own. You are certain what is important and what isn't. There isn't room for fronting or drama, there is only room for things that truly matter. It is such a relief to live each day for what it is, nothing more, just to enjoy the experience of it.
I realise that my body has literally supported me every single day that I have been alive. One of the reasons my belly pokes out is that I have made a family (ahem, and appreciate beer). I have earned these little body modifications through hard work, and also all of the amazing experiences that I have been through.
Today, I noticed that I have a smokin' set of ankles, and then I got dressed (in tie top pants) and joined some good friends for 7 layer chocolate birthday cake. I smiled the entire time.

*imaginary

hey stranger

2010-06-12T21:04:00.000-07:00

Good news-I'm feeling much better. Woohoo! I was just about convinced that I would never recover, but today the sun is out, I can breathe and taste, and the pressure in my head is gone, I am feeling great.
Tomorrow we are planning to get my garden in (finally, over a month later than usual) and then we have to pack because the girls and I are headed down to Sactown for a couple of weeks of sunshine and swimming pools and family goodness.(NANA & AUNTIES!) We are planning to come home somewhere around the end of the month, we'll see if any sweet negotiating happens and where we end up, summer is fun!
The schedule is already filling up, so far we are looking at swimming lessons, diabetes camp, a garage sale, the 10th annual Blochtoberfest (FestX), visiting guests from out of town, and we just booked another "crazy mama" trip to a hostel on an island outside of Seattle where we will stay in teepees. No moss growing under this rock I tell you!
I should have some down time early this week while chilling on the banks of the Rogue River, so I will try to finish the Mexico report then, otherwise, the statute of limitations will go into affect and you will never know what happened. (well, let's just be honest here, you will never really know what happened, and for that matter, a couple of those nights, I'm not so sure myself)
until then my friend, take care..

Today is a BIG day.

2010-06-07T13:01:00.001-07:00

In about an hour we are leaving to go get Layla officially hooked up to her insulin pump. This is really exciting for a lot of reasons, but the main ones are that she will have to have less injections, (since insulin is administered in a different way) and that we should be able to have tighter control of her blood sugars, which will result in her overall health being better (especially in the long term). We are excited and nervous, and this first bit is going to be stressful and nerve wracking, with the expected high blood sugars, (as we transition from 2 insulins down to 1) and sugar checks every couple of hours (even through the night). This is a huge step for us, and we have been working towards it for quite some time. Wish us luck as we take this next step in Layla's diabetes care! Here we go!

time to get ill

2010-06-01T22:25:00.000-07:00

I am sick. It is bad. Today I finally called the doctor to see if I could come in to get some help, and a cheerful lady on the line told me that viral infections can last up to three weeks, and that I need to make friends with my neti pot and humidifier. Thanks, that is all the help I needed. Oh wait, I can't breathe, so neti pot is out, and I think that we all know humidifiers are for babies, so thanks for NOTHING!
Needless to say, I am tired and cranky and not looking or feeling my best. I have been trying to avoid mirrors as much as possible since it is a scary sight to say the least. My hair is fuzzed up, my eyes are like dried up raisins, there are zits popping up in actual constellations all over my face, and I am getting a cold sore. Really?! Is this some kind of punishment from the universe for having one good week?!
Anyway, tonight I told Alan that I am afraid that this is what I will look like when I get old. He looked at me and said "you are just sick, you are not getting old." and I could HEAR him roll his eyes. Is that even possible?! Try it. I think he has a gift, possibly Jedi powers even. I think he thinks I am faking it (I am totally not--although he did cook EVERY meal-ALL weekend, this may be useful information for later, when I feel good enough to fake a horrible, mind melting illness)
OH! My left foot just fell asleep, I am pretty sure this is a symptom. (or it could be the benadryl, hard to say).
Just wanted to let you know that the Mexico recap will commence once I am feeling a little better and the room stops spinning. (I did NOT have enough fun for that to be happening!)
hack-cough
mom-is that you?
I see a bright light
must...hang...on...

Home is where

2010-05-31T19:26:00.001-07:00

I am. It was sunny and 90ish degrees every day in Puerto Vallarta, and it hasn't stopped raining since we arrived home a little over a week ago. Now, since I am sure you have been patiently waiting (and holding your breath) and just to torture myself, since I am a closet masochist, I will try to recount to you, the magic that is Mexico.
Day 1:
After a short nap, we left for the airport around 3am. I had been up late to finish packing, brief the aunties (again), shave my legs, paint my toes, double check that my bathing suit was packed, and you know, make up things to stress about in general. We boarded the flight without a problem and had landed in Phoenix in no time.
I had a blind date with an internet friend for coffee at the Phoenix airport during our layover, so we headed out of security for that, and I proceeded to do jumping jacks in the middle of the concourse until Cynthia found me. (How else would a stranger recognise you?!) She was awesome, the bagels were fine and the coffee was terrible. Soon, it was time to head back through security for our flight to Mexico. We waited in a long security line and finally found our gate. There was no one there. There was no airplane there. Alan went to check the monitor, and found that they had moved our flight, it was now 2 concourses over, and they were boarding. We RAN the entire way, arrived breathless, and boarded as soon as we got to the gate. There was sweat but luckily no tears (ok, well maybe just a couple of little ones). When we were finally in the air, I started to relax.
We arrived in Puerto Vallarta around 3pm on Saturday along with about 6 other airplanes (by the looks of the cramped and stuffy passenger holding area) and had to wait over an hour to get through immigration. We got the crankiest, slowest, worker that has ever walked the planet, and she was hesitant to let anyone into her country. Listen, I get it, Mexico is great, but um, we have been flying since way before dawn, and I am ready for about 13 beers, so, GEEZ! It was torturous. Finally we got through everything and wound our way out of the airport, to find Robert (queue angels singing) waiting for us with a cooler full of cold beer and a nice cool ride for us back to Old town. It was like I was home.
We got to our room,(not the penthouse-sigh) dropped our backpacks, and headed down for a sunset dinner on the beach. We got to catch up with our friends with our toes in the sand, eat amazing food, and watch the sun set over the ocean. Hours later as we sat on our balcony watching the waves, we decided to take our beers down to the beach again, (it never gets old) so we could be just a few feet closer to the water. We sat there in the dark and chatted and laughed just like on our honeymoon (oh, I am a LIAR! we never had a honeymoon, I was 12 and Alan had finals the next day or something, but in a perfect world, if we had one, it would have been like this) We were both exhausted, so finally we drug ourselves out of the trance we were in, and decided to head back to our room.
It was then that we (quite literally) stumbled onto another couple sitting on the beach not far behind us. They informed us that a friend of theirs owned the villa just down the beach, and was currently hosting a wedding. (phew! I thought it was funny that an 80's soundtrack was playing in my mind, but was having a hard time explaining the disco lights. PLUS probably a little more air supply if my subconscious was actually in charge) There was going to be fireworks soon right from our beach! They were scheduled for 10:30, but this was Mexico, so it would probably happen tonight. Since we had nothing planned for the evening, we sat back down in the sand. At 11:15(ish) we saw someone scurrying around down the beach, and moments later, our private show started. They were huge and beautiful, and almost close enough to touch. For about 10 minutes we watched the most amazing show of our lives with our new friends. Time after time, the sparks shot up into the air, exploded, and then rained glitter down into the water, leaving behind puffs of smoke and magic. (I would like to amend earlier honeymoon fantasy to also include this)
After the show was over we went back to the room, and slept. Hard.
How can real life possibly compete with this?!

Portland Airport at 3am

at the PHX airport, with our backpacks!

My (real life) friend Cynthia!

vacation check list

2010-05-13T21:42:00.000-07:00

*cute new haircut--check
*break in new sandals, as to have calluses instead of blisters--check
*back up camera battery--check
*back up memory card--check (the sales guy told me that the difference between an amateur and a pro is 1000 shots, we will see about that)
*go on a fast to lose 20 pounds, but instead lose 5 pounds and then gain it back in prevacation binge--check
*pluck beard hair--check
*practice pack, then pull everything out, then practice pack again, forget bathing suit every single time--check (leaving actual packing until 2 hours before flight departure time)
*make laminated lists and rules and instructions for babysitters (who happen to be the aunties, who on their worst day are like 10,000 times better at watching the kids than me anyway) appreciate the irony--check

to do still before we leave:
*shave legs (past knees-this is a special occasion)
*paint toe nails in some, as of yet to be determined, amazing color
*make 47 more lists for the aunties (and laminate)
*clearly mark all emergency exits with reflective tape and streamers
*figure out how to get a weeks worth of stuff into a small backpack (including bathing suit)
*put bathing suit in a really obvious place, possibly wear it to bed that night (plan on finding a new one when we get there, when I forget it anyway, or hope we get the upgrade to a penthouse, with our own pool, where Alan can enforce his "no bathing suit" policy)
*don't forget to breathe. Going on vacation is hard work!

I see you there!

2010-05-11T10:56:00.000-07:00

YOU! sneaky stalker. I put a counter on my blog to see if anyone on the planet gave a hoot about the random crap I write, and it keeps spinning up like crazy. Well, it's not exactly spinning, but I am actually very surprised at the numbers, there have been about 100 hits per week. Probably only about 87 of those are me checking on things, and trying to decide if I have anything else to say, so that means that 13other times, someone else is coming here. (or maybe my mom clicks it just to make me feel better, she would totally do something like that-once she took me to see strippers even-not related, just funny, especially if you know my mom.) There are only 2 people officially following the blog, (one is a good friend who had to sign up out of pity since I had NO other followers) and the other person has not as of yet revealed themselves-very mysterious. (mom is that you?!)
On a funny side note, did you know that when you add a counter to something, you can have it start at any number you want? It made me giggle that you would put a counter on something and not start at 1. I guess there are reasons, maybe a high counter is super impressive or something, but I just started at 1, a few years into the blog, that's just how I roll. (plus I am not good at math and a fake number would have just made me confused and think that I probably need to hide from the paparazzi or something)
Anyway, I just wanted you to know, that I know, that you are there-all strong and silent, without even a friendly comment, or sarcastic cheer. (or small expensive gifts, just to show you care) I went all big brother on your ass and you didn't even know it. BAM!

book update: I have written a few pages, and have done a little editing whilst enjoying a nice buzz, so I would say, the book is coming along nicely. I think it's really funny, and no one else has read it, so I am sporting a 100% approval rating right now. It makes me think that I might be the target audience,and showing it to anyone might be a horrific mistake. Plus how much of a princess would I be if I wrote myself a book and just kept it all for myself? I hear that everyone and their brother is writing a book now anyway, so maybe it's too mainstream for my likes anyhow. Who needs to be a kabillionaire anyway?! Not me boy!

vacation update: the Aunties come tomorrow and we leave for Mexico in 3 days. I am all bound up with excitement. (what do you think it means?) I think you know how I feel about the Aunties and about Mexico, so I will leave it at that. We are planning on trying to see some petroglyphs and crocodiles while we are there, but you know what they say about the best laid plans (especially when there is tequila involved).
See you on the flip side! Adios!

happy mother's day

2010-05-08T21:44:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is mother's day, it will be the 7th one I will have celebrated as a mama. It got me to thinking, what is it exactly that makes someone a mother. I mean, of course, there is the obvious-giving birth-but I think there are other, equally important qualifiers as well. I decided to put together a list (ala Jeff Foxworthy) so you can see if indeed, you might be a mother.

If you have wiped a booty that wasn't yours, you might be a mother.
If you have cleaned up messes that you had no hand in making, you might be a mother.
If you have licked your finger, in order to use it to wipe something off of someone else's face, you might be a mother.
If you cut your finger, and can only find Snoopy band aids to put on it, you might be a mother.
If you find yourself taking orders from someone much smaller than you, that is covered in peanut butter, you might be a mother.
If you cry at cheesy commercials with chubby babies, or romantic movies about true love, you might be a mother.
If you have ever used the words "because I said so!", you are probably a mother.
If you have stretch marks and saggy boobies, and they make you feel proud, you are probably a mother.
If you have earned your laugh lines, you are probably a mother.
If you always put the wants and needs of others before your own, you are probably a mother.
If you have cared about something or someone so much, that it made your heart hurt, you are definitely a mother.
If you have stayed up all night worrying about someone, and can only breathe easy when you know they are ok, you are definitely a mother.
If you have ever been so terrified that your insides actually melted, you are definitely a mother.
If you have comforted others, and provided a safe harbour for them to rest, you are definitely a mother.
If you have seen the best in someone, and encouraged them to do the same, even when it is hard for them to see, you are definitely a mother.
If you have ever looked into the eyes of a child, and felt hope for the future, you are definitely a mother.
If you have looked into the eyes of a monster, and then proceeded to kick it's ass, you are definitely a mother.

Having kids is hard, I think it might just about almost kill you. But then, when you come out at the other end and look back, it is something priceless. There is no amount of money you can put on those mud pies, skinned knees, snuggly mornings, whipped cream feasts (oh yeah we do that!), nothing else in this world that has a value that even comes close. As hard, and dirty, and scary and prickly as it is, there isn't anything I would change. Today the sun was out, the girls played and giggled and picked me daisies all day long. It was a good day.

Happy mother's day Mom, Grandma, Auntie Retta, Aunt Deb, Nikki-I love you ladies so much! Happy mother's day to all of the mamas, I hope your day is amazing, you have earned it! (now go sleep in and then when you decide to get up, demand a Starbucks!)

time flies!

2010-05-07T16:19:00.000-07:00

On Tuesday Maggie climbed to the top of the 25 foot high rock wall at the Y. Yesterday evening Layla mastered riding her 2 wheeler (with no training wheels) and no help from Dad at all. It was a big day. Today I took Maggie to get her first manicure and pedicure as a special treat, and when we got home, she informed me that her tongue could move one of her teeth. She has her first loose tooth. Layla is quickly becoming a fluent reader, understands the concept of division, can do her own injections, and can make pancakes all by herself. Maggie gets herself dressed, brushes her own teeth and can make her own peanut butter sandwich. All of the sudden, my babies are gone, and they have been replaced with big girls. I guess I knew this day would come, but I always figured there would be some sort of grace period. Not blue toe nails, and a 2 wheeler, and a loose tooth all in one day. Good thing it's Friday. I need to sneak in lots of snuggles before they start packing for college.

book

2010-04-26T10:56:00.000-07:00

so I decided to write a book, and I wanted to blog about the process, for future reference. Also to keep you updated, so you can preorder it on Amazon when it comes out. I started writing today, so I figure it should be done sometime around, um, well, maybe never (possibly sooner). I got a tiny baby laptop from my grandma (seriously, it is 9" X 6.5" when it is folded up) to help with the process, and so I figure I am well on my way. Now I just have to find a comfy spot, boot up, and let the story come out. So far I have learned that 1)lap tops are really hot when they are sitting on your lap, and that 2) my story is coming out, but it is all jumbled up, full of typos, 3) that naming characters is harder than naming babies, and 4) that writing a book is harder than reading one someone else has written.
I read on the internet that you are supposed to get your idea all pretty and then submit it like that, and write your book after someone agrees to buy it. (I think we all know that I have no patience, and will end up writing the story first, and then binding it at Office Max and giving it away for Christmas to everyone I know when it doesn't get published.) I am totally fine with that too.
So far I have a leading lady to has a tendency to wake up in strange beds and a gorgeous gay best friend, neither if which my grandma will probably appreciate, and will quite possibly come and take back the laptop, so I better get crackin while I still have the chance!

dry run

2010-04-16T18:02:00.000-07:00

this morning I woke up extra early and dragged my friend Lorilee to Old Navy with me for a super shopping extravaganza! I could get 50% off of everything I could cram into a cute (read small) provided shopping bag. Well, it just so happens that I need some fun and sassy summer stuff (for summer and MEXICO which is coming up in less than a month). We got there early since the super sale was only available to the first 50 customers through the door (we were # 7 in line-haha, guess I was excited). After waiting in front of the store for over an hour, they finally let us in to shop. I found all kinds of Janina-licious goods, and crammed them in my tiny bag. I ended up with about 6 times the amount that would fit into my little bag, but somehow was able to use the force to charm the checker into using the discount for all of my goodies, (and Lorilee's--she was just as successful as I was), and we left giggling with hands full of bags, and the afterglow of a good shopping high.
A little later I had the grand notion to pack my new (and incredibly awesome) backpack for a dress rehearsal. I put in my new tiny lap top, (for writing my book, so I can make my first million), and all of my new clothes, and there was still a little, tiny bit of room left for my passport, and my quart sized zip top baggie full of 3.4 oz bottles of liquids,lotions and/or gels. I have been wearing it around ever since. Wish you were here to see it. It is a thing of beauty. (If it gets too heavy for me on the trip, I plan to make Alan wear it on his front like a baby, while wearing his own back pack on his back. I will be the cute one by his side, wearing the fab new summer clothes, taking pictures of nothing in particular, and singing mariachi. OLE!)

gearing up

2010-04-09T00:02:00.001-07:00

Alan has been ignoring me. It is tax season and he is an accountant, so it is predictable,and even probably acceptable and excusable behavior. This doesn't make a bit of difference to me at all. I am a princess and need lots of attention, and when I don't get it I talk loud, act inappropriately and (wait for it...) go online shopping. Nothing numbs the pain like our rather handsome and distinguished UPS man arriving at my door bearing gifts, just for me.
We have a trip to Mexico coming up next month, so today I ordered us both (not quite) matching kick ass backpacks, (we aren't checking bags this time and I want to look cute whilst hauling all of my junk around for a week) and Alan got some new, super cool, strappy (yet supportive) flip flops. (does thongs sound more manly? Maybe he would prefer I called them thongs...never mind, no matter) They didn't have the (not quite matching) ones I wanted on this particular website so I will have to place my order later. (after I sell some random things that no one will miss from around here, to raise some money for overpriced footwear!)
Alan, if you are reading this, I miss you. (and, just a warning, that cutie in the brown keeps bringing me things (really, did I actually order ALL of this stuff?!?) and he is looking better to me all the time. Good thing April 15th is coming quick!)

disclaimer to those that are NOT Alan: the UPS man looks a little like my dad and while friendly, remains very professional and aloof-lest you start to worry that my marriage is failing at the hands of my out of control internet shopping obsession. It is not; however, I have gotten packages every day this week and there is no end in sight. If you haven't seen me for a week, please send in some back up, we may need an intervention, or at least maybe a casserole to feed the kids that I have been neglecting.

tell me more

2010-04-05T21:31:00.001-07:00

Kids say the coolest things. Layla is old enough now to have a pretty good filter, so what she says is usually pretty acceptable for general consumption. Maggie on the other hand, is another story all together. She comes up with the very best, mind blowing realizations, and has no filter whatsoever. The cool thing about her though, is that even if she had one, I am pretty sure she would ignore it. (wonder where she gets that?)
Today we made deviled eggs (why are they called that?!) and Maggie proclaimed them to be better than lollipops. This is a pretty big deal, it is like if I said they were better than chocolate. She loves lollipops. Tomorrow she won't like them anymore, but today, they were the best thing ever.
Today she also came and snuggled up in my lap and started asking questions about Pluto. (the former planet) She wanted to know where it went, why it's not a planet anymore if it used to be, (hey, I think we ALL want to know that one) and if it was farther away than the moon. I told her it was even farther away than the moon and she said "good. then I love you all the way to Pluto and back, since the moon isn't far enough!" Sweetie girl.
then she followed up our "moment" with some poop jokes. nice. Gotta love a 4 year old.

ps-update today: she just called from the bathroom "MOM! is poop made out of oranges and milk and sandwiches and candy and donuts?" didn't wait for an answer and went straight into singing the alphabet song at top volume. Am I supposed to be able to keep up?

mixed media

2010-03-29T19:45:00.000-07:00

we love art, it is our favorite thing (well, besides chocolate, and sleeping in, and beer, and ...). The girls are always using anything they can find to make new and amazing projects. We go through lots of tape and glue around here, lots of beads, cardboard boxes, crayons, markers, pipecleaners, well, you get it. They will make art with anything that is colorful, small, sticky, pretty, shiny, fancy, basically anything they can get their hands on. Both of the girls are really into mixed media, and even don't like their outfits to match because they think then they are wearing mixed media. After finishing any project, I am encouraged to drop whatever I am currently doing, and run (if possible) to view the latest creation.
Tonight after Layla's shower she started jumping around and yelling "MOM COME QUICK!!" (This makes me a little nervous, I don't know what to think so) I jump up, and run into the bathroom only to see her grinning, and pointing at the shower wall. There it was, her latest masterpiece. It was me, made of hair, that had stuck on her hand while she was lathering up with shampoo. I have been immortalized in hair, in the tub (practically the most prestigious place in the entire house). I have officially arrived.

I did what?!

2010-03-26T15:31:00.001-07:00

this morning there was a HUGE (ok, it was tiny to smallish but whatever, it was really black and had tons of legs and was skittery and offputting) spider on the wall in my bathroom. I grabbed a piece of t.p., and squished it quick, and tossed it in the toilet. We then left for the morning and all afternoon. (flash forward hours and hours until now)

I just had to pee. When I turned around to flush I had a mild coronary infarction when I noticed a spider all smashed on the toilet paper I had just used. WHAT THE?!?!? I totally just crapped a spider and didn't even know it (nevermind I only peed), probably this means I am dying! Oh wait, um, I think that may be the spider from the wall this morning. phew. Crisis averted. (well almost, I am still completely freaked out by the thought that I peed the scary, black, 100 legged spider-even though it didn't really happen, and am feeling a little skin crawly and jumpy.. I am going to try to work through this with some chocolate and probably later plenty of Blue Moon-TGIF!)

shake what your mama gave ya

2010-03-21T19:40:00.000-07:00

My mom has a secret. I know what is is, and since I can't (ever, no matter what) keep a secret, I am now going to spill it to you: she acts all serious and strict and matter of fact, but she can be pretty fun. (shocked?!) I remember one of the very first times that I had this monumentous realization. I was 5 and we were coming out of the grocery store with a cart full of groceries. While walking toward the car, she jumped up on the cart and started kicking one foot and riding it like a scooter, effectively leaving me in the parking lot dust. At first I was a little taken aback, (who is this crazy woman?), then I was jealous, (I want to ride that scooter cart!) and then it finally dawned on me-hey! my mom is fun. (YAY!)
Fast forward a couple of decades to now. I get a call from Mom asking me if I want to go to a male review when I am in Klamath for a visit. (um, what?!) Mom giggles and says it is a fund raiser and Tracy is selling tickets. (sidebar-until recently I haven't been back to Klamath very much as an adult, and when I go, we usually just hang out in the woods foraging and whatnot. On one visit though, probably about 10 years ago, I met Tracy while peddling lip gloss. Tracy is about my very favorite person to ever come out of Klamath Falls, she is quick, funny and pretty much just basically kicks ass.) It was as if fate had some how intervened and taken the decision out of my hands; my mom was taking me to watch strippers.
As we drove to the show, I felt a little nervous. After asking more questions about the "review" I had learned that these gentlemen were all over the age of 40 and most had never danced anything other than a two-step in their lives. I was thinking presentation would be crucial, this could go either way, it could possibly be the very best thing I had ever witnessed, or you know, not.
The following story is true, to the best of my memory, and I will now try my best to describe for you the events, (in stunning detail) since your mom wasn't fun enough to take you.
We found a parking spot right in front of the Moose lodge and headed in for the show. A handsome (and fully dressed) man was sitting behind a small card table by the door collecting the cover charge ($5 each). Behind him there was a snack buffet consisting of brownies, a chocolate fountain, crusty bread, mixed cheese cubes and assorted crudites. (very posh. Klamath, it is possible that I have underestimated you, or maybe, just maybe, you have changed in the 15 or so odd years since I left running and never once looked back. It is also very possible that the Moose lodge is like the fanciest James Bond hideout in a 100 mile range and women have never before been allowed to enter it's hallowed doors)
A very handsome Willie Nelson was wandering around with a tray waiting to bring you anything you would like from the bar. (ok, sorry, I know this is a lot of in between talking, but seriously!?! These are polite, handsome, sober men, dressed up, with full heads of hair and all of their teeth-IN KLAMATH!! and they want to serve me. I am thinking I may need to reevaluate everything I know to be true. Please stand by while I try some deep breathing and attempt to get my thoughts aligned.)
We order drinks (mom sprite, me, lite beer for fortitude) and go in to find our seats. In the middle of the room, there is a stage and runway/catwalk made out of plywood, and there, right in the center, jutting out in all of it's hand made glory, is a galvanized stripper pole. A friend of Mom's has saved seats for us, and they are directly at the end of the catwalk, with a first class view of everything that will grace the stage for the next hour or so. I desperately suck on my lite beer hoping it will somehow give me a buzz if I drink it fast enough (it didn't). The lights dim. I am getting a little nervous, luckily Willie swings by and drops off another cold one just in time (I think I might be in love).
Now, I would like to mention that this is the first "review" I have ever been to-ever. I glance around the room and look at the other women (and a few men) that are there with me and am getting the feeling that this isn't their first rodeo. A nice lady gets up on stage and shows us (probably mostly just me) how to properly hold our money so we can stick it in the panties of the dancers. Again I glance around, and see that everyone but me (and Mom) already has their money like this. I am so out of my league.
Thankfully, the first dancer out is Tracy's husband. He was fun to watch and actually a pretty good dancer-I am starting to feel like I might actually survive this night after all. Ladies (and one old guy) are having a great time, money is flying everywhere, I am laughing. There is one lady in the front row scrambling after dropped dollars to "recycle" them. I notice a really old lady in a wheelchair with a afghan over her lap and can't help but laugh. Was Klamath this fun when I lived here?
Dancer after dancer shuffle out to shake their stuff, and we are entertained by a cop, a hula dancer, a leprechaun, a hippie, bad Santa, and on and on. These costumes are amazing, the attention to detail is hilarious, but my personal favorite was the layers of underwear. I don't know if it was pride or what (probably their wives made them, for the sake of everyone) but there was always at least 2 pairs of undies. Tighty whities seemed to be the under layer of choice, but one guy even wore cut off jeans under his fancy tuxedo thong panties. Over and over men came out in their underwear(s) with knee socks pulled all the way up and shiny church shoes on (or velcro orthopedics). I start to get a cramp.
At one point Mom had to sneak out to use the ladies room and when she came back there was a guy wearing camo with a stuffed python hanging out of his pants. When she realized what it was, she immediately covered her eyes and made an audible squeak (guess there are fun limits-ha!)
One fellow sat on my lap, one did his best sexy dance by trying to floss his ass (through countless layers of undies) with a sparkly winter scarf, one played bagpipes, Santa had candy canes.
It is obvious to me now that I am wasting my time. There is no way I can possibly convey the sheer amazingness of the evening to you. My only advice would be to try and catch a show if you ever get a chance, I hear they are already getting requests for future bookings....Elks lodge anyone? Even if you have to steal your baby's milk money and pay with quarters-GO!
I found out that the lady in the wheelchair was 99 years old, and getting to ogle Klamath's finest was her valentines day present. I am telling you the truth when I say I have never had as much fun in Klamath before. (well maybe one time, but I can't tell you that secret, since it's mine)

you do what you gotta do

2010-03-10T20:05:00.000-08:00

Layla has had a loose tooth for a very long time. It is in the front(ish), on the top and has been sticking out straight as long as I can remember. I don't like it. At all. But for some reason lately it has been driving me mad. It's her face, her tooth, her problem biting hard stuff, why would I care? (great question. OCD? PMS? Who knows?)
Anyway, I have been "encouraging" her to yank it out lately since it is so loose. Today she decided it was time, and asked me to pull it out for her. Now I am not new, and have played this tooth pulling game before. She lets me grab it, I pull, and she freaks and yells and runs away. Not fun. I am not playing. "PLEEEEEEEEASE mama?!" "Nope, sorry, as much as I would like to see that sucker gone, I am not interested in participating. Your dad will be home soon."
Maggie is standing by, listening to the whole exchange, and pipes in, "I'll do it Layla!" (I laugh a little on the inside at this, since it is funny, and also since I think that there is NO way Layla will even consider this offer) I don't even know if Layla said yes, but since she didn't hear a "NO", Maggie gets a stool so she was level with Layla, and next thing I know has grabbed Layla by the face and is doing her best to yank that tooth out of her mouth!
She gave it a tug. Nothing. She gave it another, harder tug. She felt it move a little. After a few of these it starts bleeding. (I am sure now that this will be the end of it) Layla starts to squirm, so Maggie starts to talk her through it. "this tooth is ready Layla-Please BE STILL!" then "I almost had it that time, I'm sure!"
Layla is being a real champ about the whole thing and I am absolutely no help at all since I am just distracting them with my loud laughing and camera flash. (moms are so annoying sometimes!)
Maggie is really professional, and is keeping at it with determination. (I surely would have thrown in the towel by now, she obviously doesn't have the same fear of hurting Layla that I do) Layla starts to get more and more restless, so Maggie's distraction technique is getting more impressive. She is now helping Layla plan what she will do with the untold wealth she will surely be getting from the tooth fairy for this wonderful tooth. (Strong work by the way, I almost wanted her to pull some of mine, mama needs a vacation!)
Finally Layla has had enough. She yells at Maggie to "STOP!" Maggie giggles and opens her hand to reveal a tooth in her palm! Layla looked completely shocked, Maggie was so proud. It was a great show.
I wonder if tomorrow, after the tooth has been cashed, Maggie will ask for her cut?
Anyway, today, my stomach hurts from laughing, and my back hurts from life, but I will go to bed happy. These kids are a handful, but they are great, and they make me laugh-every-single-day. (also possibly Mags will be a dentist and pay for a real nice old folks home for me and Alan-you never know)

on her own

2010-02-17T16:06:00.001-08:00

This morning when I woke up it was quiet. The girls are usually already awake and drawing or watching cartoons, so I poked my head out to check out what was going on.
Layla was sitting quietly on the couch reading a book silently to herself. She has never read on her own before, and getting her to practice reading is usually something I dread, as she fights me every step of the way. (needless to say, this was a big surprise!)
"Whatcha doing?" I asked her. "Reading my new books about horses and ponies" she tells me, and then proceeds to inform me that female foals are called fillies and male foals are called colts. "Very interesting," I tell her, "I am glad you like your new book."
I am feeling very puffy and proud about this moment, she is learning, and I am her teacher. Note to self, get more pony books.

I love love

2010-02-08T15:44:00.001-08:00

Valentines day is my favorite holiday. Over the years I have met, and continue to meet, many naysayers, cynics, haters and grumps. The funny thing is, usually I might count myself one of their numbers, but not when it comes to Valentines day. I have become rather crusty and negative regarding most things, but for some reason, red foil heart shaped boxes, little cupids and roses make me melt every time. I don't even like cupid, OR roses, (never mind contrived holidays) so this is a strange phenomenon indeed. Over and over I find myself defending valentines day to people who don't understand my feelings for the special day, good people and happy couples included, this too is starting to make me wonder. Why does everyone else hate love day?
Alan says that my strong feelings about the day give him stress, since no mortal man could possibly live up to my expectations. He is wrong, and I will attempt to tell you why. Valentines day is about me. Not him, not cupid, not even chocolate or sex (although I wouldn't turn those down) I love love. I guess I love being loved would explain it better.
My grandpa was my very first valentine. He came over to my house, when I was just a little thing, and picked me up in his car. He had a card for me, just from him, and a tiny, red heart shaped, box of chocolates. We spent the day running errands together, nothing special, but it was then I realized that I was special. I had been singled out, out of everyone on the planet, to be my grandpa's special girl. I remember wondering if my grandma would be upset since he had picked me to be his valentine instead of her. Well, my Gram is amazing and she took it like a hero, and even served us lunch when we went back to their house. I don't remember many other details, just the tiny box of candy and the feeling that I had won a special prize to be chosen as someones valentine. Like I was special, and important and that I mattered.
Not all Valentines days have been extraordinary, but they don't need to be. Valentines day to me is a day that I use to reflect on how lucky I am to have had such a full and wonderful life, and to think back on all the ways I have been loved. The ways are many and varied, but just thinking of them makes my smile and fills my tank. I love you, most times, is more of an verb than a noun. People tell me all the time without saying anything.
The time you called me for no reason just to chat.
When I was stranded and you rescued me.
When you buy me something you hate just because you know I will love it.
When you tell me your secret.
The time you listened to me cry.
The time you watched the girls so I could spend some time with Alan.
When you go on a trip and bring me back a special gift (even though you are so popular and I know most people didn't get anything)
When you know what I need without me having to say a word.
When you smile at me.
The time you told me I looked beautiful, and I knew you were lying, but it felt so good to hear it anyway.
When you made me a special dinner because you know I eat differently than you.
When you told me a dirty joke to cheer me up.
When you make plans and follow through.
When you listen to my ridiculous ideas, and encourage me to follow them.
When you call me from a junk shop to tell me about the treasures.
When you pick dandelion bouquets for me by the fist full.
When you tell me the truth.
When you make time for me.
When you trust me.
When you listen.
When you go out in the cold so I don't have to.

When I haven't seen you for months or years (or ever), and we easily slip back into the comfortable place we were, just like we never left it in the first place.
The time you didn't get mad even though I deserved it.
When you get up every time in the middle of the night to do the sugar checks.
When you know I needed to buy that, so you didn't mention it.
Because you understand that when you love something, cost isn't a factor.
When you cheer me on.
When you let me sleep in every Sunday and bring me chocolate chip pancakes in bed, because you know that to me, that is the ultimate treat.
When I see beautiful things in nature.
When I feel the rain on my face.

So many things, wonderful things, amazing things, every day I am reminded somehow that I am loved. Tiny things, humongous things, beautiful and simple things. From everywhere.
Thank you, I love you too.
Happy Valentines day.

Vive Tuesday

2010-02-02T16:08:00.000-08:00

we are girls here, and sometimes we like things just because they are pretty. Ok, let's be honest, it's more than sometimes, "because it's pretty" is the main reason we like anything. (followed closely by "because it's yummy or because it smells good")

I love parties and events and activities, and I especially love all the little details that go into them. Taking a shower with suds that smell like flowers, using the good conditioner, wearing cute earrings, sprinkles on the cake, the little things, fancy things, that make them special. A lot of days I forget that Tuesday is special. It is just Tuesday after all, but once in a while couldn't it use some sprinkles too?

Mondays are hard (absolutely NON sprinkle days here) but Tuesdays often get overlooked as well, and today it dawned on me that we may be passing up some definite fancy opportunity. You know like in the movies, the girl who is bookish and shy, wearing slumpy clothes and hanging out with her (drop dead gorgeous, way out of her league) best friend boy? Then in the end she puts her hair up, adds some mascara and lip gloss and she is now Julia Roberts? Of course they live happily ever after since she was so very beautiful on the outside now (don'tcha just love this one? you can be totally amazing, but they only like you unless you're pretty--OOPS-just read my first line again, guess we're all guilty, but hey, if she smelled like cake I would have liked her before she got popular) So today I decided that Tuesday needed a makeover, so we would enjoy hanging out with her a little more.

We decided on a tea party lunch and made cucumber sandwiches with the crust cut off and shaped into little triangles. (fancy). We had sliced rainbow oranges on the side. (beautiful). We drank lemonade out of fancy wine glasses (super fancy, Maggie asked repeatedly if it was ok that we were using the fancy cups since we are kids). We followed it all up with scoops of ice cream in little custard cups with sprinkles (of course). Voila, Tuesday is now beautiful and popular and we are in love. (now if we could somehow get her to stop hanging out so close to Monday, everything would be perfect!)

hurray for birthdays!

2010-01-21T15:45:00.000-08:00

We just finished celebrating Layla's 7th birthday. I am exhausted! Most people have a birthday for a day or 2, or even a week, but we have birthday extravaganzas around here. It's my fault, completely, since I am a birthday princess, but I am good enough to let everyone enjoy the same level of celebrating, so I am kind and fair and just as a ruler. (and I expect a full month of celebrating my own birthday, which is coming up quickly, in case you need to start getting ready for it)
The festivities actually started about a day before her birthday, Maggie and I took roses and cupcakes and Tinkerbell napkins to her art class, so she could experience the whole class birthday love thing (plus then I seriously look like about the coolest mama ever-right?) On her actual birthday we decided to take the day off from school (duh-it was a birthday!) and made special fancy African pastries for breakfast (we are learning about Africa, and got the recipe from a friend who is currently living there). We then got all glammed up and went outside, on this rare dry day in January, for a photo shoot. It went very well, 7 year olds LOVE to ham it up for the camera. (4 and a half year olds really enjoy trying to sabotage the entire effort) Next on the list was lunch out with Daddy and then off to see the latest chipmunk movie. (got great reviews from both girls, who think the squeaky singing of the animated rodents is hilarious!) As soon as the movie was over, we rushed home to tidy up a bit and pick up Alan, then we headed over to Sushi Tsunami for her birthday dinner. Some really good friends were able to meet us and we had a great time, the birthday girl was very pleased. Layla had chosen a 7 layer pound cake and dark chocolate torte from a fancy local bakery for her birthday cake, and we all enjoyed it very much. (second time we sang happy birthday, just incase you are keeping track)
The next day was Friday and Alan brought Layla's BFF Caity home with him from work to stay the weekend. We had a great dinner of pizza and lemonade and craft time. (I am getting tired-thankfully, no singing today)
Saturday started early. 3 girls is a lot of girls. The morning started with some kind of argument, someones feelings being hurt, (can't remember details) and lots of whining and loud talking and high pitch sounds of all sorts, being thrown around by all. It is then that I had my best idea ever. (later proven to not be my best idea ever, but at the time, I was proud and clever) We would go to Chuck E Cheese, where a kid can be a kid, and run around and yell and all that great stuff without making me upset. (right-this is a great idea!) We get to Chuck's place around 11:15 or so, and amazingly, I was not the only adult to have had this thought today. There were about 3000 (give or take) assorted strangers there, ALL running around and yelling and jumping and whatnot. (at this point I start to rethink my brilliant idea) They give us a romantic table for 2 and we settle in and the girls take off. We leave about an hour and a half later so we can go home and eat left over pizza (oh how I love irony) and rest briefly before the birthday party starts. (that's right, now we have a birthday party)
For the birthday event we went to a pottery studio so the kids could paint tiles. It went really well, everyone was pleased, the tiles turned out great (I think, I still have to pick them up) and with happy faces (after treating both diabetics for low blood sugars) we headed next door to an ice cream shop so the guests could enjoy our special birthday "build your own ice cream sundae bar"!! It was really amazing. The ice cream is hand made with all natural goodness and local products when ever it is an option. (can't wait to go back here) The kids got to choose a flavor of ice cream out of about a dozen flavors and then they brought out about a dozen topping options and squirt bottles of chocolate sauce and whipped cream. We were having a double party with our friend Stella, so the birthday girls got a candle in their scoop while we (once again) sang happy birthday. It was so exciting to see all the toppings, and open presents, and get the birthday song AGAIN, that Layla wasn't paying very much attention to things, she was just so absorbed in the festivities. This is when the candle caught her hair on fire. true story. Luckily it was just a little piece, and the flame went out and it just fizzled and singed a bit. She finger combed the burnt bits out, we laughed, and then enjoyed ice cream.
We came home and the girls sang karaoke all night. We took Caity to her Grandma the next afternoon (after more karaoke), and then ended the day with a trip to OMSI and a noodle dinner. I love birthdays-they are about my favorite thing, but the freaking birthday song can kiss my grits. I am not a singer (without any booze in me) and the dang song is so distracting Layla almost lost her hairdo this time.
My birthday is March first but I think I am planning a celebration mid February-that should give me just about enough time to get back into birthday mode. (no singing required)

cheese

2010-01-12T09:48:00.000-08:00

I think I have a crush on my dentist. This tells me a couple of things about myself, 1) that I am a masochist (on account of my acute dentist-phobia), and 2) that I don't get out enough.
I had a date, erm, appointment, this morning, here is how it went down: I get there and sign in, and sit down in the lobby and get to read a current people magazine. (ok, well it was a few weeks old, there was a current one, but who cares about Tiger Woods?!) This morning is off to a pretty good start already I'd say-no kids, a tabloid in a quiet lobby, the only thing that would have made it better is if I had a coffee in my hand, and this were the waiting room of a day spa. (ok not really, but as I have already told you-I don't get out much) I get half way through reading about Brittany Spears' recent trip to Bermuda and her current manager/boy toy/baby daddy, and am rudely interrupted by my name being called. ug. I hate the dentist.
I toss the magazine all nonchalant like I am superman, and not at all intimidated by the big plastic covered chairs, and minions wandering around in white coats and medical masks. (seriously-what IS this place?) I have been going to this dentist for years, so thankfully they are well aware of my anxiety and try their very best to be gentle and comforting whilst picking and probing the inner depths of my face. I clench my fists and ram them into my pockets, while the hygienist goes about her business of polishing and plaque removal, all the while I am just waiting for the minute I can get my lips around "Mr. Thirsty", which signals the near end of my torture. Today I tell her my teeth have been abnormally sensitive, so she goes really easy on me (hallelujah!), she praises me on my veritably non existent "build up" (I think she is just trying to humor me since I look like I may burst into tears at any moment) and retracts the giant spot light in record time.
Enter Dr. Paul. Dr Paul is a man who is around Alan's age, balding, and has a mouth full of braces. He is the quietest person I have ever experienced. I sometimes think he may be void of any emotion whatsoever (he IS a dentist after all). He only uses words when it is absolutely necessary. Mostly he just hangs out in my mouth, then walks around the back of the chair, takes notes, and mumbles to the friendly hygienist. I am not a fan of this form of (non) communication, so when I go for our "appointments" I ask direct questions which require an answer. It's like a game for me to get him to use as many words as possible, and I get extra points if he cracks a smile.
This morning we got to chat about my teeth, and why they hurt, and how he can (try to) fix it for me. I tried to keep the mood light, (since I was still at the dentist and I could have a mild nervous break down at any second) as we discussed our options. He thought that I should come back in so he could redo the surface of the filling, I thought this was a horrible idea. He smiled a little, then explained how he was just trying to help me (oh, he is smooth). Then I asked what if his grand resurfacing plan didn't work? He replied with an answer, which is a little fuzzy, since he mentioned the word root canal and after that things got a little blurry and he sounded kind of buzzing and intermittent. I came away with the knowledge that I may have to get a gold tooth (which, by the way I am pretty sure comes with a complimentary wrist tattoo and gang membership) and yet another "appointment" with Dr. Paul. I asked him if there was any way I could possibly schedule the root canal on my birthday since he made it sound so awesome. I actually got a small almost audible chuckle on this one. It was like magic. (ok, not really, but I have to psych myself into going back right?)
So, long story short, I am going back next month for phase one of tooth sensitivity training, hopefully it will work, and I can go back to my bi-annual dates with Dr. Paul. I am actually doing pretty well with the impending dental work, Plan B is that if Dr. Paul's smile isn't enough (or the nitrous), I will pop a Valium and have Alan drive me.
Today I am a winner. I survived my dentist appointment, AND I walked away with a fuzzy fake mustache in a tiny egg (from the tower of treats because I am such a good patient). Who's laughing now Dr. Paul?

little rascal

2009-12-18T15:23:00.001-08:00

the days pass so quickly, I feel like I should be taking notes! We had a great time with family for Thanksgiving, I am always so thankful for our big, beautiful, crazy family. I got a neat chance to talk to my grandpa about the way things were when he was small, and how different things are now. I can only imagine what that is like. It made me thankful to be in the here and now, living my blessed life for sure-which was appropriate, since it was thanksgiving after all.

I came home and worked hard for a week to get some inventory for the magical winter faire, it is the one and only time I take my little online shop live and in person to the public. Things flew! It was really great to see the upward trend from last year when things seemed so desolate. (not to mention that the money I made was a nice little Christmas bonus for our family) I mean, we're not putting a down payment on a place in Mexico like we'd like, but we did book our next trip, so you know, I will settle for baby steps at this point. (anything that takes me south!)

We have been keeping busy with homeschool, this week has been hard since we are swept up with the Christmas spirit and want to play and goof rather than learn. We did manage to squeeze a few hours in though, in between going out to lunch and seeing the new princess movie. We also toured Honey House Farm this week, and talked to Marge my "bee lady". At the little gift shop I got the girls each a kids gift pack that had an educational coloring book, some flavored honey sticks, a bee ornament, and a box of 24 crayola crayons. They were thrilled. We came home to talk about it some more, check out our loot and color. I had to leave them for a few minutes, (as sometimes mothers do) and when I returned, Maggie had snapped every single one of her new crayons in half, well, not EVERY one, there was one lucky yellow that was still whole. One, out of 24. Layla and I were equally horrified. I asked her why she did that and she just smiled. I bet it was great to feel the satisfying snap of those crayons. It is something Layla and I will probably never experience, as I just could NOT snap a crayon that still has a nice pointy tip. (WHY WOULD SOMEONE DO THAT?!?) She doesn't color in the lines either, even though she can, and she draws boys with a pink crayon. I think she is amazing and funny and uninhibited. I am trying to take little lessons from her when she isn't looking. Almost every night Alan and I are almost in tears as I recount our day and the funny things that she does. I call her rascal since to me it means mischievous in a good (but still frustrating) way. (on a side note, we have taken a break from reading Junie B Jones and Ramona books as to not give her any ideas she can't come up with on her own).

We have a very full week ahead and are very excited for the holidays and our train trip to Sacramento (and auntie's BIRTHDAY PARTY-psssst, don't mention it, it's a holiday party and we have been threatened with our lives if we let it out). I hope everyone has a full and wonderful holiday no matter what you are celebrating.

viva fall

2009-11-04T15:39:00.000-08:00

There is dirt under my fingernails. Alan always pesters me to wear gloves (since he is so very practical) and I understand, that it is, in fact, a decent idea. However, I am tactile, and gloves don't work for me at all. I have to feel things, (even if I get slivers, and slimed by slugs, and fingernail dirt) it is really the only way for me. Those of you who insist on wearing gloves won't understand, so please don't try, just sigh (like Alan does) and then listen quietly when I notice it later (or can't scrub it off).

The last few days here have been absolutely amazing. I wish I could show you a picture, or make a painting, or even think of words beautiful enough to describe it, but there aren't any, and anyway, it wouldn't do the day justice. Really. Today we went outside to do some fall garden clean up and bulb planting (or as I like to call it-science). My aunt brought me some special bulbs from Missouri that are called naked ladies (for reals!!) and I was itching to get them into the ground. We also went to the tulip festival for Maggie's birthday this year in the spring and I got a bunch of pretty potted flowers (which were in fact bulbs as well-yay!). The bad part was that we had to rip out all of my nasturtiums (they are my very favorite and make me smile a happy smile when I walk by them on the way into the house), and since I was late in planting them, they still looked good and fine, but I knew that soon, it would freeze and the rains would come, and it would be too late. So we dug in. It was a great way to spend the afternoon with my girls, a little destruction, some dirty digging, and some replanting, really there was something for everyone. The sun was shining on us, there was hardly any fighting and enough bulbs and worms and spades to go around. Ahhh, life is good.

We have really been enjoying the season, fall here is usually very wet, but has been surprisingly kind to us this year. We all dressed as pirates and went to the gristmill for their annual apple pressing. It was a really fun (dry) day. The girls also went trick or treating for the first time ever, the have assured me that is their new very favorite thing to do (guess they have forgotten about Disneyland already) We have been enjoying home school and are looking forward to whatever comes next. We are planning to join my family in Gold Hill for Thanksgiving again this year, will be hosting Christmas, and then heading down to Sacramento for the new year. We have plenty in store for us this season. (Good thing my shopping is done!!-oh yeah, you heard me-I'm done!)

AND I'm getting a camera. yay, it's supposed to be a secret (it's not)

it's supposed to be for Christmas (it's not) and I am getting it today.

will post amazing pictures soon, as soon as I can figure out how to use it.

day tripper

2009-10-22T15:32:00.001-07:00

Home school rules because you can do whatever you please and it's great. It is actually a learning experience. We decided to ride the train to Klamath, since the weather there this time of year is iffy, and on a good day it would take about 7 or 8 hours (and let's just face it, I am in no position to be responsible for all of us in the car that long, I can hardly manage at home, with help).

My mom had a Friday off and my very good friend Racheal is also very pregnant and the new baby is due to make his appearance at any moment (really) so I was hoping to do some fabulous multi tasking by persuading the baby to come out while I was there as well. (didn't happen)

Ah Klamath, I have such fond memories of you. Every time I go home it is like another adventure in the twilight zone (not the dreamy Edward Cullen version of twilight, the strange, is this actually happening to me version) This trip was no exception.

We had left a very important bag behind when we left, and through some magic powers, my friend Erika had it sent on the next flight to Klamath Falls. (yes, I realize I am spoiled, and I love it, and barely ever feel guilty about it either) My dad and I had to go to the airport to pick it up in the morning. (early, like who is awake when it is still dark-early) We drive out to the airport; (now I must take a minute to explain this to you, incase you have never been to Klamath Falls, the airport is the size of the play area at McDonalds, but with nothing fun to do. There was a one eyed security guard (no pirate patch, just squinty) some gal wearing a pink scarf behind the counter (Sky West employee?) with no visible identification, and some people milling around the chairs in the lobby. ) I go inside to grab my bag, and find out that Klamath Falls is fogged in. What? I go look outside, there are a few clouds, but apparently the flight can't land unless there is like 2 miles visibility, and unless it clears up soon, the airplane will go land in Medford, or even better, fly all the way back to portland with my pink carebear bag inside. I smile at Pinkscarf and tell her I will check back later. Now there is no way I am going home without my bag, and now we have NOTHING to do, and it is 0 dark thirty. Awesome! I need coffee.

Let the games begin. So my dad is like the mayor of K-Town, and has keys to every back stage in the city. I am usually pretty good natured about his "tours" but I was having kind of a problem this morning, since I didn't get breakfast, or coffee, my bag was missing and the day before was LONG and tiresome. "Dad, I NEED coffee." (hoping he will hear the seriousness in my voice and get me some freaking coffee) no response. He has this game where he pretends you aren't there and does whatever he wants. (fun game) This is getting to be an emergency. "DAD! I need coffee" still nothing. I start getting all fidgety (which he can't stand) yay me, it works, coffee at last. We pull into Dutch Bros. and my dad orders his usual, which is a vanilla latte with cinnamon on top. (very macho) Except he says this (yelling, because he can't hear) "vanilla luh-tay with 2 shots and cinnamon sprinkles" the edgy 20something looks at him (in his flannel shirt and bushy beard) and laughs. "Are you joking?" (must have been when he said cinnamon sprinkles-heh) I am rolling at this point, from lack or caffeine and also, I must admit this is the funniest thing I have seen in a while) then he further confuses her by saying he wants the small size so it will be stronger. I get something called a triple death wish (happy Halloween) and we take off. Dad's none too chipper mood is now dampened since I am still laughing at him and his sprinkles. I start to gulp the coffee, and in exactly 3 minutes, it hits. Whoa. Death wish is right. Oops. I am completely high. I start jabbering at a mile a minute and confessing to things I never even did.

At this point, Dad is getting exasperated with me and decides we need to get out of the car. (you would think maybe for a carby breakfast, but no) Tour time. We park in front of a 10 foot chain length fence enclosure with a little pump house looking building in it. This is going to be good. He opens the gate and we stroll across the lot to the brick building. We get almost there, and I get a whiff of something foul. Mmmmm, not good on my empty stomach, and buzzing brain. What is this place? HEY! I yell, you're not taking me to the underground sewer are you? Dad just smiles. Great. We go in and proceed to go down about 6 flights of stairs to the center of the earth. Well, maybe it just felt that way since I am out of shape, but it was deep, and cold. We get to the bottom, and there are some pipes and motors and things (not worth the stairs) and we check it out and climb back to the surface. I did get some information about the city sewer, but can't remember the specifics at this time. I do, however, remember what came next with stunning clarity. There is a big trapdoor in the parking lot, and as we pass he tells me that it is a huge grinder. Hmmm. He says it's name is the "Muffin Maker" (no idea) and it is big enough to grind up a VW bug, or your wife. (direct quote) This actually interests me more than anything so far, as I wonder why anyone would need a subterranean grinder big enough to handle foreign cars. He also tells me that the thing they pull most out of there are Levi's and mop heads. "Who would flush Levi's and mop heads!?!" indeed.

When he starts to realize that I do, in fact need to eat, he finally takes me to (buy him) breakfast at Muchas Gracias. We had tacos, it was 8am. He asked me if he could get a lemonade, I said yes. How could you not love him?

We proceed back to the airport, get to watch the airplane land, and grab the bag. We head home to the wild things, who are very excited to have their wolf suits in hand. (What else would be important enough to have flown to you overnight?) We crashed Racheal's family pizza night, and there was great people watching (Klamath Falls has eyeliner usage like not seen since the 80s-amazing!) Hit the pumpkin patch, carved pumpkins, and went to the movies. We had an amazing visit, and headed home on Monday morning. Phew, I need a nap. Come to find out, the train is a great place to learn-and Klamath Falls is a great lesson in social studies.

it's fun to play at the YMCA

2009-10-08T08:43:00.000-07:00

guess what? We got a membership to the Y. It smells like socks there, but there are classes and a pool and the kids think it's heaven on earth. (and they watch your kids for free while you go to yoga)
Yesterday Layla had her art class for 2 hours, so Maggie and I went to the Y, so I could go to a yoga/pilates class (level I). I was a little nervous since I have taken about 3 yoga classes before, and what was stunningly clear, is that I am not balanced, coordinated or graceful, all of which are kind of important details when you are trying to do yoga, come to find out.
I dropped Mags at the kid watch and went off to find my class. Now, not to sound stereotypical, but I was feeling hesitant because the gals that do yoga are pretty cool. They wear matching spandex outfits-which they manage to look amazing in, can pull of the ridiculous poses without looking like complete asses, and never break a sweat. I climbed the stairs, and standing by the door (where I was told to go) there was an adorable little grandma, and another one was perched on a giant balance ball nearby. I asked them if they were here for the yoga class. "Yes indeed", replied the door monitor, "I have been doing yoga since the 70s." Great, my first class with a guru granny. The one on the ball jumped up and came over to introduce herself and "take me under her wing" since I had revealed it was my first time.
As she pushed our way into the semi darkness, she showed me where to get everything I would need for the class. I was handed a big elastic strappy thing, a foam brick and a blanket. I found my way to the middle of the classroom to lay out my yoga mat, and decided on a spot behind another nice grandma who was wearing a stunning pink suit consisting of cotton pants and a bowling shirt with a giant parrot embroidered on the back. This was getting good. As the other "students" filed in, I was starting to feel a little more comfortable. The teacher (or yogi, or whatever) told us to start relaxing and stretching, at which point Pink Parrot shirt turns to me and says, "listen Sweetie, don't watch me for the moves, I just had my hip replaced and I can't do them all just right". Check that. (I was so proud of myself, I managed to not even smile at that, all the while stowing it away to bring to you as a golden nugget later) Class was about to begin so our leader asked us to please stand up. Pink Parrot shirt squawked "but Honey! I just got down here!" (oh yes, this was the place for me)
There ended up being two older gentleman in the class as well, one was a shade ornery and kept mumbling things under his breath when we had to do ab work, (not very zen if you ask me) and at one point in class, let slip an, um, well, he tooted during some stretches. (still no smile from me, just cataloging for later enjoyment). It was going well, apparently this class was just my level of yoga! At one point we were supposed to "shake it out" and the teacher says "WOW-now THAT WAS STIMULATING!!" (slight grimace from me, I am just a beginner after all)
Near the end of class we were supposed to lay down and relax (something she told us we all really needed) and focus on some areas that needed attention. There is light music, and some water burbling from somewhere (too dark to notice, hoping it was a small fountain) and we all curled up for our senior nap time. At this point she goes around turning off every tiny light that was in the room so that we are now in complete darkness. Um, I happen to be afraid of the dark (well, not normally, but in a room full of strangers, that smells like socks, when I am due to pick up Layla soon and need to see the clock!!!) So she is talking really slow and gentle and it would probably actually be relaxing if not for the aforementioned reasons. I am supposed to be focusing on relaxing my third eye. (ok-what!?) she continues to mention everything that I need to focus on including my pinkie toe (I shit you not!) and the whole time I am thinking-I HAVE GOT to get out of here! I open my eyes, still black. There is no way I can sneak out of here. There is wall to wall geriatrics, it is pitch black, and I have to round up all of the crap I am using (stretchy band which we didn't even use) roll up my mat, find my shoes (where did I put those?).
I am starting to get nervous, negating all of the stretching and relaxing I have been working so hard for this past hour. I sit up on my mat (I am pretty sure I am not going to be invited back) she has asked up previously to "not shift" on account of we might bother our neighbor and knock them back into consciousness or something. I stand up, trying to get my bearings, and she rushes over (what are you doing?!) I have to go, she promises me it will only be 3 more minutes. I lay back down. What?! that's right, I slump back onto my mat and lay there thinking of the crap I am getting into leaving Layla at art class so I can nap here with my new yoga buddies. Awesome. Finally, like a lifetime later, she says we can get up. Someone goes and turns one tiny light on, it was enough for me. I jump up, knock pink granny out of the way, throw my brick at the bin and dash out of the door with my mat flying out behind me like some kind of crazy rubber cape. Out the door, down the stairs, (practically flying) to scoop Maggie out of kid watch (where she of course wants to stay, and have snacks and paste noodles to her forehead), jump in car, zoom to art school, only to get stuck in road construction. I was a few minutes late picking up Layla-she didn't even notice. I think I really like yoga, and the YMCA, I have never felt so good about myself as when I hang out there. I think next time I will bolt before the end nap/self centering bit and it should all work out just fine.

Village People

2009-10-05T19:51:00.001-07:00

We just got through a very big week. My mom and my aunties came for a visit! They came to be with us and support us at the JDRF walk to cure diabetes yesterday.

The month before the walk is a really hard time for me because the goal is to raise money for diabetes research-which is wonderful-but means you have to ask your friends and family for money-which is not so wonderful. We live with diabetes all the time, every day, every minute, every second, there are no breaks. Ever. In order to get people to want to give you money, (for your amazing cause-and everyone has one!) you need them to understand the horrors of this disease, and why research, and ultimately a cure is so very vital. To get people to understand is a big job, and requires you telling your story, and all of the messy details, to everyone that wants to listen. Mama's do NOT like this kind of thing, especially when it involves one of their babies and an ugly disease. In real life when we are living with diabetes, we deal with it at meal times and whenever else we need to, and for the most part, try not to focus too much on it, because it can take you to a dark place. The month before the walk, diabetes is on the brain all the time, there are lots of tears, and broken sentences, and stress headaches and kleenexes. (which of course all take place in hiding so the kids won't know what a nut job you are, and/or get all antsy and upset when they see mama having a nervous breakdown). As you can imagine, by the time the walk actually arrives, we are ready and waiting for it to be over. The good news is that the walk is always AMAZING. Really, wow. Layla told me yesterday that she must be a celebrity since so many people were there for her. The Portland JDRF walk was expecting over 5,000 people, (I don't think the final numbers are back yet, but I will let you know) it was awesome. Our local walk is held at a vintage amusement park and includes a free full pancake breakfast (with yogurt, coffee and fruit) and a barbeque lunch, as well as free park passes for the entire family for the whole day. Pretty sweet set up, and they pulled it off famously. Our team-Little & Loud-had 25 walkers show up for the big day and we raised over $2000!! It takes so many volunteers to pull off a huge event like this, it is really humbling. Anyway, it is easy to crumple after everything leading up to the big day, and it was so comforting to have all of those strong arms around me to help hold me up through it all. It really does take a village to raise a child, and probably a few more villages to stand around the mama to hold her up on wobbly legs while she does her best to get everybody through it all.

Home school rules

2009-09-24T20:19:00.000-07:00

We have been slowly learning how to learn here at Wild Flower Academy (our school name, chosen because we are wild, and we think flowers are pretty, and we like dandelions). The days are speeding by and we are keeping very busy, even though most of our hours don't officially count to put in our log book for the program that we are enrolled in. Nature walks, park play and painting are our favorite things, we have also been swimming, learning to read, and learning about the life cycle of bugs. Layla raises her hand when she knows an answer, even though she is sitting right next to me at the table, and no one else is there. Cute, silly girl. We are supposed to plot out our days 2 weeks in advance (as if, I am sure "real" teachers don't even do that, although I do have 2 cousins that teach grade school, and I plan to ask them directly) and write out our schedule in our official log book. That hasn't happened yet. The thing that has worked for us so far (and kept us all busy and happy) is to learn about whatever is interesting to us at the moment and moving on from there. We caught and observed a praying mantis, and learned about them, (even found a mantis word search!) then set him free. We had frogs to observe and learn about-unfortunately the frogs only lasted about as long as the lesson (RIP willow & Cutie pie) We are now patiently waiting for our chrysalides to hatch out butterflies, and are carefully counting the days until their arrival with tick marks on the chalk board, they should be coming out just in time for the Aunties to arrive! There is also math and maps and writing to pass the time.
Bugs seem to be a favorite subject with both girls, even though we have been learning about different ones for a while now. Maggie is particularly interested in the observation of them, Layla is happy enough to look at pictures and learn facts and information. The shop we ordered our caterpillars from is www.insectlore.com and they recently sent us a catalog of all the wonderful things in their shop. It really is a neat catalog, and Maggie has been sitting for long stretches going over and over all of the pages. Some of the things are pretty unique, they have silk worms and butterfly larvae, but you could also buy ants, worms and lady bugs (really?!) I am thinking that a lot of the things you can find/hunt/make yourself if you don't mind getting your hands dirty. Maggie immediately started begging for a clear cylinder that you wear around your neck, and put live bugs inside (when you catch them) to observe. wow-pretty cool. (and this my friends is why I LOVE the internet) Upon searching, I stumbled upon this blog by a super cool mama (and fellow Etsy artist) Nikki at WhiMSy love, with detailed instructions with pictures on how to make your own bug catcher necklace! AND I just happen to know that we have a couple of these little plastic bubbles floating around here somewhere (and if, by chance, they are no where to be found, I also know where to get some-RAD) Since I am working on sharing, I will share this cool blog with you now: http://whimsy-girl.blogspot.com/2009/08/bug-catcher-necklace-tutorial.html
This is why homeschooling is fun. You get to be creative and have a good time, and spend quality time with your kids. The things we do are simple and silly, but they are real, and it does count in my book, which, if you ask me, is the only one that matters.

things I can't live without today

2009-09-03T16:23:00.000-07:00

(in no particular order)
rotary cutter
girls tool kit (LOVE mine!)
tylenol
chocolate chip raspberry magic muffins
coffee

lots of projects underway here. Today we put together a futon, this involved lots of screwing in screws with a non-electric screw driver, and also lots of slapping high fives along with shouting things like "GIRL POWER!!" and "GIRLS RULE, BOYS DROOL!!!" Gotta love the littles, even simple mundane tasks are exciting. I am now cutting our final set of curtains and Layla is scrubbing dishes (after begging for an hour), later friends are coming over to watch football (go ducks!) and there will be pizza. Not too bad of a day says me. Getting up from sitting on the floor is much harder than it used to be, might have to add beer to the list, it might even go at the top.

just showing off

2009-08-27T11:52:00.001-07:00

I poked around here yesterday (it may have been quite a while, I try not to keep track, in case I have a problem, I really don't want to know about it) and figured out how to load up pictures!

(I think) so without further ado......auntie goodness!

early bird

2009-08-26T10:37:00.000-07:00

I have had a super busy summer. Possibly the busiest EVER (for me anyway). I think I am needing a week or 2 of uninterrupted sleep and rest (a tropical island with the aunties sounds just perfect) to be up to my old self again. As I was getting a few more minutes of sleep this morning, Maggie snuggles up to me in bed and says, "I have a tummy ache" aw-poor baby "why don't you try sitting on the potty?" (sage mama advice) "Why don't you try getting me some breakfast, probably I am just hungry" (if you are familiar with Maggie in the morning, you know that she asks for, and receives, no less than 2 or 3 breakfasts each and every morning, she calls them breakfast, second breakfast, and snack) I roll over to see what time it is (breakfast or otherwise) it is not yet 7am. "You are quite the early bird aren't you?" to which she pulls off my warm covers and says "no mama! you are just a late bird". indeed.

We are trying to get back into they groove of regular life, with bed times and coffee breaks and every other predictable thing that it brings. Have I mentioned that I am a fan of predictable? We have started easing into our first year of home school with some work books for review, so far the girls are loving it. We have also been focusing on brushing teeth and hair and washing up in the mornings (you know, things that kind or got rushed through when we had to get ready at mach speed in the mornings) So far, so good.
We have one last big event of the "summer", the JDRF walk is taking place on October 4th this year. The walk is always kind of a crazy time around here, fund raising is a pain (literally) and organizing everything is kind of a lot. But it really is a great cause and Layla gets to be a celebrity for a day (or so she is convinced), and this year the AUNTIES are coming to walk. First time ever in person, though every year have been our biggest supporters and ghost walkers, we are super excited to have them with us. They are even staying for a visit, we are really excited (even though we have already gotten to see them quite a bit this summer-we are spoiled, and will take as much auntie as we can possibly get) If this was a picture blog, I would constantly be showing off my aunties-they are 2 of my very favorite people on the planet. Since it is not a picture blog (I am not tech savvy enough to figure it out--Erika-any help?!) you can meet the aunties in person at the aforementioned JDRF walk taking place on October 4th. (did you get that yet?) Maybe I am circle talking because my mind is completely used up or because I am just this shade of crazy, or maybe, just maybe, it's because the JDRF walk is coming up (October 4th) and no one (but the aunties) are registered yet, and it is kind of a big deal.
ok, time to hike and journal (or maybe just get a second cup of coffee and referee the girls in the kickboxing match that looks immanent)
catch you the next time.....
ps-we survived the 9th annual Blochtoberfest. It was awesome. I know I am getting older because every year it takes longer to recover. At one bonfire I casually mentioned that next year would be the last one, you know, 10 years is a long time to party. You should have heard the instant and passionate response. wow-needless to say, people will show up whether they are invited or not. Not sure if that's good or bad, guess I'd better just embrace it. I didn't really mean it would be over-I was just hoping that it would be happening in Mexico. A girl can dream.(or drink-either way is fine with me)

happy camper

2009-08-18T12:48:00.001-07:00

last night I got home from camp. I promptly fell asleep on the couch. It was a camp for 6 year olds and since I wasn't 6, it was too much for me.
We are lucky to have as a resource, Gales Creek Camp for children with diabetes a little over an hour from here. As a parent of a diabetic child, with no family in close proximity, this disease is ours alone to handle, with no back up 98% of the time. I do have a good friend that helps out a couple of times a year, and my mom is usually good for a week or so break every year as well, but the other 355 days a year, it's just Alan and I, on our own, us against diabetes. This year, Layla is 6, and that is old enough to go to family camp. Family camp is when your family gets to come to camp with you and see what camp is all about. This is because 6 year olds haven't been to camp before and they might be nervous about being away from home, but I think really it's so the mamas can come, and see what goes on, so they might have a lower incidence of nervous breakdowns when they leave their babies behind for a week the following summer.
Camp was awesome. Really, unbelievable. The counselors were amazing (especially considering they were probably all between the ages of 19 and probably about 23 or so) they had endless energy, patience and understanding. Remember these kids were all around 6, which is really young with a pretty short attention span. We were constantly entertained with skits, hikes, songs and games, I was impressed. These counselors were always kind and smiling no matter what they were asked to do (and in the 2 short days I was there, the task list was long, and included everything from acting silly to distract campers to mopping up scrambled egg barf-really).

There was a pediatric endocrinologist there (I learned that all of the staff docs are volunteers) the entire time, and he was who decided how much insulin the campers got and helped them make their meal choices, ok.....please hold...this is HUGE!!!!! for those of you not familiar with specialty doctors, you really have no idea, so let me try to begin to explain it....(catching breath) These are not just doctors, but SUPERdoctors-they have been to school longer, studied harder, and taken a lower paying job than surgeons, even though that job is more prestigious and pays better. They know almost more than anybody about this disease, and they are here, for us and our kids-in person-for the entire time-unpaid. (and since it is during the week, actually have to take vacation time to be here). I Almost cried. (or maybe I did, but just a little,when no one was watching) I don't care about celebrities, I have met a few, and found them, for the most part, not to my liking, but being able to hang out with an endo! I felt like a groupie. Poor doctor, I was stumbling around behind him the whole time, just to try and absorb a little of his awesomeness. I wanted to hear everything he had to say, I wanted to hear the stories about the 90 year old lady that had diabetes since she was 6 in the 1800s (or whatever) and how the cure really was right around the corner, since he knows the fellow that is going to find it (ok maybe not, but close enough-eep!-a CURE!) The story that follows is true and accurate (according to me) and was the highlight to my camping experience: during our only night at camp, the counselors put our kids to bed (sounds dreamy already right!?!) and we hiked across the creek and down to the lodge where the doctor was waiting for us WITH chocolate bars. (this may have something to do with me asking the counselors at every possible chance if there were any cocktails available, and them laughing, and me responding with, well, I could make do with some chocolate). There he proceeded with candor and honesty to talk to us. To us, not at us, not to someone else while we were there-but TO US. (sidebar, if you have dealt at length with doctors, you know that this DOES NOT happen). He didn't even ask for our insurance card or anything. He was not in a hurry, he did not have an agenda, he just sat there, open, and answered questions that we had. And then---when we were out of questions--he brought up things we hadn't thought of. For me it was worth the cost of camp just to hear what he had to say-it was amazing.
When the talk was over we headed back to our cabin to try and get some sleep. I knew this probably wasn't in the cards for me, as I had the top shelf of a rather high bunk (with a 3 inch plastic covered mattress), the room was full of other mamas and daddies and kiddos (all making various sleeping noises), and the staff came through twice in the night (at midnight and 3am) to do blood sugar checks. On top of that Layla had lost a tooth during story time, so the tooth fairy made the rounds as well. (not me-the REAL tooth fairy, she left a note and a goody bag and everything) I was glad when I finally rolled over once and realized that people were stirring, it was time to get up. Day 2 included swimming, a hike to the magical bubble gum tree, games, food, awards and things I can't even remember since every minute was more fun than the last.

I went to camp every summer when I was a kid, and I loved it. I remember crying the last year I went, knowing I wasn't going back since we were moving. This camp blew my mind. I still can't believe everything that goes in to making this process work, and succeed. The camp is just a place, the heart is the people there. I left camp knowing that now I have a place Layla can go-without me-where she will be safe. Not only will she survive there, she will have a great time, and they have the resources to take care of her there, even better than I can. I cry when I think about it, just that she can go and have fun like regular kids, that I don't have to worry, and how lucky we are to be able to take advantage of such a wonderful program. Camp has now been added to the list of things that diabetes can't stop us from doing. take that.

you can't always get what you want....

2009-08-07T14:00:00.000-07:00

so, I have heard say that the economy is in the tank. I think this may be true, I have heard it more than once. One thing that is hard about low funding is that you want more things, and you get less things. I am wanting a new camera really badly. I want a nice camera really badly. One in particular, and it is more than clear (from it's price tag alone!) that this is something that won't be happening for me any time soon. I have this little ache inside, a longing, it reminds me of when I was little, and more than anything wanted a cabbage patch kid. Everyone had one, I remember the sweet smell of the plastic face, the feel of the yarn hair, everything. Then in Junior high, I wanted to date Nelson (hair band, twins, blond, you remember) either one, didn't matter to me, just to have the love and affection of one of these beautiful boys. More than anything. I remember one particular day, I found out that they were playing a concert in Medford, a mere hour from where I was, and my heart hurt. I was in physical pain. Oh, to be 12 again, to have my biggest worry be about my hair, or a math quiz.
I really want the camera, and it will happen, sometimes wanting something badly makes the getting all the more sweeter when it finally happens. The reason I want the camera is so I can take lots of pictures of my girls, they are growing and changing so quickly, I don't want to miss anything (or to be there, only to forget about it afterwards--like I do).
We have food and our health, and our beautiful life happening around us -which we are trying to live to our best every day. This is more than enough.
....and if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need. (ah yeah)
update-I never hooked up with either Nelson brother, but my friend Jen did get me a cabbage patch kid for my 28th Christmas....life is good.

it's hot

2009-07-27T16:38:00.001-07:00

really hot. 103* to be exact (or that's what they said it was going to be, and it is too hot to argue, so we're going with it.)
Tonight for dinner I am making a pasta salad out of cheese raviolis with tiny heirloom tomatoes, fresh basil (from the garden) pine nuts and a lemon/garlic/olive oil dressing, it promises to be delicious (and cold) both of which are very important on a hot hot day. Then to follow it up, I am making a blueberry slump. Did you just smile?-I did, how can you not? Slumps, grunts, buckles, even cobbler are all such fun and yummy words. The cool thing (literally-haha) about this slump is that you make it in a pan on the stove, so you don't even need to fire up the oven. Oh yes, life is good. (and so are fresh blueberries). Won't you join me?

Blueberry Slump
serves 4 - 6

for the "slump":
2 1/2 cups fresh blueberries
1/3 cup sugar
dash of salt
1 cup water
1 Tbsp lemon juice

for the dumplings:
1 cup flour
2 Tbsp sugar
2 tsp baking powder
1 Tbsp butter
1/2 cup milk

Bring blueberries, sugar, salt, and water to boiling in large saucepan. Cover; simmer for 5 minutes. Add lemon juice. Meanwhile, mix together dry ingredients, ensuring there are no lumps. Cut in butter until the mixture resembles a coarse meal. After the lemon juice has been added to the blueberry mixture, stir the milk into the dumpling mixture until the flour is dampened. Drop the dumpling batter from the tip of a tablespoon into the bubbling sauce, making 6 dumplings - do not let them overlap. Cover tightly; cook over low heat for 10 minutes without peeking. Serve hot.

we are going to enjoy ours with mango vanilla ice cream on top. off I go!

home again, home again

2009-07-20T12:21:00.001-07:00

hello, I've missed you! It has been almost an entire month since my last post, it is not because I don't have anything to tell you about, it is because I haven't had a free moment. (as the matter of fact, I am sneaking this one it right between a homeschool bookshelf painting project and picnic lunch/snow cone/pool party in the back yard-so let's get rolling)
We drove Dad home to Klamath Falls after fathers day and spent a few days there, the weather was gorgeous and we had a great time. There is a park with a little wading pool and we went there every day and followed it up with dipped cones at Dairy Queen, now every time we see a sign for Dairy Queen, the girls beg for them, and then ask to go swimming--funny how we are so easy to program. We ended that trip with our 300 mile drive home (first time alone with just me and the girls) it took just around 7 hours (which is really good if I do say so myself!) we all survived, but it left me questioning my judgement--no time to get too worked up about it though-we had to pack for our all girls camping trip....
After 2 nights at home, we set out again for a coast camping trip with my friend Erika and her kiddos. Together we had 2 crazy mamas, 2 diabetics and 2 preschoolers (um, looking back, maybe I should have thought a little harder about this) When we talked about it camping, Erika remembers that this big trip was my idea, I remember it being her idea (not that we are trying to place blame, but-haha) We actually had a fantastic time (didn't even get frost bite or eaten by bears or anything!) and I came home feeling exhausted but strangely empowered like, once again, I had done something new, and came away from it with a new knowledge and strength.
When we voted at the end of the trip, the camping food walked away with all the awards, although, it wasn't really a surprise with all the marshmallows, cool whip, chocolate and ice cream that we consumed. Mama's know how to eat.
We got home and were even more exhausted than when we left (big surprise) and had to sleep, do laundry and pack our bags again for our big family river retreat. I think we got 2 more nights at home in our beds (or maybe it was just one, I can't quite remember now-things are a bit blurry)
The girls are getting pretty good at road trips, we made it to Gold Hill in about 7 hours this time and had a great weekend with my family, and the 4th of July was a special day when my friend Justin showed up with his raft and took us out on the white water for the day. Every one had a good laugh when he made me get in the front and be a "hood ornament" while he drove head first into a monster wave and put 3000 gallons of the river straight up my nose. (thanks Justin).
After the weekend, mom took us back to Klamath for the night where we would catch the train to Sacramento out on Monday.
Monday was great we met Racheal and my mom for a fancy lunch in Klamath and then we went to see "UP", it was ok, Maggie thought the dogs were kind of scary, and Lanie wanted to leave about half way through. (but we bribed them with ice cream and were able to make it through)
We caught the train at 10:30 or so to ride it 9 hours through the night and arrived in Sacramento at 6 am with Aunt Debby waiting for us! Auntie Retta showed up from Missouri the very next day and we had a whole week of lounging in the sun, splashing in the pool, playing with cousins and eating like kings (or queens as the case may be). It was so nice to have some down time, I read 3 books, and even got to sleep in a couple of the days. It was sad and hard to say good bye when it was time for us to catch the train home at midnight on Sunday. (YES! midnight-I think I am crazy after all) We had upgraded to a sleeper car for the 17 hour trip home, so we got to board in first class, and the girls settled right in for the long night. There wasn't much room in our little closet, but it was cozy, so I was able to doze a bit. I woke up when the conductor said we were coming up to Klamath Falls and we were ahead of schedule, so we were having an unscheduled break there for an hour. I called my folks and woke up the kids (looking back, this was a bad idea) and we got to get out and have a nice early morning visit with them at the station. When we re-boarded we went and had a yummy breakfast and napped and played and read all day (all the long long long day) until we finally made it home around 5pm.
I was more exhausted than ever (haha-ok, maybe not, but it literally took me about 3 days of just chilling here to even feel partly human again).
So there you have it-my month at a glance-Alan has put a moratorium on travelling and even doing much of anything at all, saying that weekends belong to him and he wants to sit under the tree (ok, well I have paraphrased, but basically-that's the idea). I have a couple of free weeks coming up, we are working on some homeschooling projects (book case for our class room) and splashing in the pool, before we host summer company and go to camp and have a big party and paint the classroom and.....well, you get it.
see ya soon!

summer is here!

2009-06-22T14:40:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a big day here, it was fathers day and summer solstice. My dad came over to celebrate the occasion with our family, and we took a day trip to check out Mt. St. Helens. It was a really fun day, and the girls had a great time-we learned a lot. This is a cool attraction because there are little visitors centers about every 30-45 miles along the way up, so there is tons to see and do if you have enough time (and money). We watched movies about it, checked out tons of gift shops (finally choosing treasures of a bag full of magnetic hematite and a tiny wooden bug in a nut with wiggle legs). Hours later when we finally reached the Johnston Ridge lookout (the closest you can get from the side we went to) the mountain was cloaked in a big foggy cloud and we could only see her feet. They were majestic. We wanted to go into the visitors center and check it out, but at $8 per person, we took in the fantastic view, observed a friendly chipmunk and hit the road back. It was a great day, and a fun time was had by all (until it was bed time and we had to reassure Layla no less than 10,000 times that the volcano was not going to erupt without warning and if it were to get active again, we would, certainly, go stick it out at Aunt Debby's until all danger had passed) Poor thing cried herself to sleep, it is a big job to take on a volcano's worth of worry all on your own.
Today we were planning to go check out Bonneville dam and visit the giant (Jurassic) sturgeon there, but tomorrow we are headed to Klamath to take Dad home, and we decided that too many long days in the car would work against us in the end. So instead, today we are laying low, getting in some good quality time. We started up our homeschool this morning, and right now, Dad is out on the deck needle felting with the girls. (he made me an angel-awwww!) We have some errands to run, then packing, then tomorrow we are off to spend a few nights in Klamath where we plan to catch up with some old friends, meet a baby, and take our sketch books into the woods for a botany lesson with papa-the girls just love him so much!
When we get back, we have one free day, then Layla and a friend are having a booth at a local recycle fair where they are going to teach other children how to make toys out of recycled household products and possibly earn some money for the things they have been making all year. Layla is so excited she can hardly stand it. (pause to catch my breath) Then on Monday we are headed out with another mama and her kiddos for a camping trip at the coast for 2 nights. in a tent. with 2 diabetics and 2 preschoolers. Funny thing is that I am not really nervous about any of it and getting pretty excited. I am sure there will be plenty to tell after we survive these next couple of weeks, so until then......

remember me?

2009-06-15T15:40:00.000-07:00

I have a horrible memory. I think it may be genetic, or possibly some kind of self preservation that my mind does for me without asking first. When I think back, I remember lots of things, things from my childhood, even up to being a young adult-then it gets a little fuzzy. The memory loss seems strangely to correspond with my 25th birthday, which, in and of itself is still a nice strong, young and lively age to be. It also happens to be about the time I started having kids. I am pretty sure this is when my brain turned itself off (for my own protection) and refused to hold any more memories. I just block things out. (note to self: start taking more pictures) Luckily I have the kids around now to remind me of everything I need to know that has happened during the last 6 years.

Sometimes the kids remember things that you honestly think never actually happened, around here, they probably did and I just don't remember. Now to my credit, I do remember some things, and most of all of the REALLY important things, but also we really do lots of stuff, so you know I am creating more memories than say, the shut in across the street, or the mumbling homeless guy in the wal-mart intersection.
Anyway, the other day Layla gets all excited remembering that we used to make peanut butter play dough (I remember this one!) and is trying to share the recipe with a friend. We love nuts around here, salted, buttered or otherwise, and especially when they are used in cool fun projects like mixed media collages or even better-YUMMY SNACKS!
without further ado I give you:

PEANUT BUTTER PLAY DOUGH

1 1/2 c. peanut butter
3/4 c. powdered milk
3 tbsp. honey

Mix all ingredients together. Play with it. Eat it!

alternate (non dairy) version

1/2 cup peanut butter
1/4 cup honey
4-6 oz. corn flour or corn meal
Combine together peanut butter and honey. Add the corn flour until it reaches the desired consistency.

little darlin'

2009-06-09T19:24:00.001-07:00

it's been a long cold lonely winter..........it's all right, here comes the sun.

Just wanted to check in and let you know that we are all doing well. We are incredibly busy and enjoying the nice weather, and have not had a free moment.
This last week we did something exciting-we had a friend come stay with us that we had never met in person before-I only knew her from etsy (we are both in a natural children's toys team). Come to find out, we are like long lost friends and we had a fantastic time, showing her all around the area and all of our favorite places. Living like a tourist is hard work!
We went to the coast this weekend and Maggie loved it! Really, she LOVED it, she chased sea gulls, dug sand pits, waded in the surf (even did a face plant where she had to spit out a mouthful of sand) but refused to act cold or wet so we wouldn't make her get out. I was thinking back on it and realized that she had never been to the beach. Well, we went once for Layla's 3rd birthday, but there was a snow storm, so we just sat inside by the fire place and watched the waves crash out our balcony window. (It was super cool, but not really beachy) I can't believe that this is even possible since Alan and I love the ocean so much, but then thought back and came to realize that we have been crazy busy for years. How did that happen? We are making a definite effort to go more often, hopefully starting later this month with a camping trip.

Home school update-Layla got all 3 classes that she wanted for the fall, so we are really excited about that. This school year officially ends on the 18th, but I think the girls have already checked out. I'm not actually sure how much learning they squeeze in during these last few weeks anyway, it's probably hard to concentrate on anything during "crazy hair, pajama, bring your dad and teddy bear to school day" anyway.

Tomorrow I am hosting a dozen of my friends for poker night and then off to visit some friends for the weekend about 3 hours down the road, so another busy one--seems like summers work out that way. Layla has big plans for fathers day, and then a Klamath trip, then camping, and then.....in between it all we have to find time to sit in the yard, splash in the pool, fire up the grill, sing around the fire pit, consume mass quantities of barley pop, watch movies on the barn, and spend time with our favorite friends, speaking of that--if you ever get a free minute-swing on by, we'd love to have you!

the weight

2009-05-27T12:53:00.000-07:00

we have been struggling with some diabetes issues as of late, (too many to be comfortable with), the thing that strikes me is the feeling in my heart. It is a heavy weight. I tried to explain it to Alan the other night-but it hard to get the right words to express a feeling. Like love, how could you possibly tell someone how it feels, they won't understand. Or pride or jealously or even bliss. Sometimes there are no words. I love to write-it's what I do, so it is hard for me when words fail, like I have no where to go. It feels like the first time you realized that love could fail-way back in 7th grade when it became clear that the boy of your dreams was really a creep, or when you hear really bad news, or when you lose a friend. It is a heavy leaden lump, and it stays there, with no remedy, and drags you down. You find yourself lying on the floor (it is the only safe place, you can't get hurt there, you can't fall further) until you somehow find the strength to drag yourself up again, and rejoin the fight. It is what you must do, it is your job and honor, but it is so hard. And the weight is so heavy. When it gets late, the darkness is soothing somehow, and I find time to write with a pen on paper, it helps me to move forward, even if the steps are small, it is still forward motion, and this small action helps me remember that I am alive and necessary. Sometimes it gives me courage, but sometimes it just makes me cry until I can fall asleep.
the other night this is how I felt:

all burdens are heavy
but the heaviest ones, it seems
are the burdens that you shoulder for others
self pity is unseemly and unattractive and repellent
and when I think of the loads that others bear
it shames me to think that my lot is heavy and cumbersome
when I know it is but a small piece of what some have to weather
and yet still, the weight is there
and the fear and responsibility
and the reality
it almost seems like too much
but then there is the reward
of a sunny smile or a tight hug
or any number of amazing things
and I know why I have to do it
it is my job, my heart, my love
there are no guarantees but one
and so I continue on
and pray for a miracle
and I am so thankful that my true love is by my side
together we are stronger than either one could be alone
but we can't know if it is enough
we are losing this game
and yet we must go on.
This life is not fair.

here we go

2009-05-21T10:42:00.000-07:00

so the idea is to post more to keep myself accountable. Looks like February 11th until today, May 21st went screaming by with no posts, and tons of stuff has happened-believe me! Maybe that's why I haven't had time to share-too much stuff.
Here's the latest, and then to be honest, a break because it is spring (almost summer) and we are outside most of the time (and in the evening when I am in, we are having beer and playing and not on the computer) BUT the plan is to blog away starting in the fall-so stay tuned for that!

ok-the latest:
My sister came here and lived with us for a few months, she is now off onto the next adventure, which currently looks like it involves PSU and possibly some kind of library.
Alan had gnarly foot surgery to fix some bunion business (who knows) and had to wear a robo-boot for an entire life time (it was spooky) finally got that sucker off and is healing nicely and wearing regular shoes again (but with shorter toes)
March was my birthday month, it was rad. (I am older now) My best friend moved away and it was the saddest thing ever (besides all the times when the complete wrong person wins survivor-that is also very sad)
April was Maggie's birthday, she is 4 now, and tells everyone. (apparently it's a big deal) Layla sang in a concert at school with all of the other kindergartners-if you haven't been to one of these, I highly recommend it-6 year olds are awesome! (and amazingly good singers, but the dancing/hand motions and stuff were priceless)
We went to DISNEYLAND for the first time ever-the girls were in Heaven! Really, it was so so fun (I was a skeptic, but the almighty Diz won me over, I am amazed!) and then Alan and I braved the swine flu and headed to Mexico. We were the only people in the entire country, so that helped us to not get infected. (Plus as my doctor advised me, Disneyland was more of a risk than Mexico due to the high germ/people count there.) Anyway we made it home safe and sound (later to come down with strep throat!) and take months of antibiotics. (eep!)
Then, my cousin Alora came to visit for a short bit and we had a great time, she hasn't been here in years. She helped me get my garden planted and we had a great time just relaxing and getting to hang out. The sun was out every day she was here!
We enrolled Layla in a homeschooling program for next year (have I gone completely nuts?!?) and between the doctors and dentist appointments and seed planting and house projects, the time is just disappearing. This weekend we are hoping to get our front steps in (finally!!!) and basically just get to spend some family time together and finish up some random projects (there really are so many, it's hard to know where to begin)
Next weekend is the Hockinson fun days celebration here in our little community, we love to go, and then I am having a friend come to stay from Missouri for a bit and another big weekend party for some local friends!
I am tired and bug bit (from so many nights out late by the fire pit) but really enjoying myself, it is so nice to have a house and the yard is shaping up---summer is promising to be the best one yet! (I will let you know!)

time to start again!

2009-02-11T11:59:00.000-08:00

so it is almost mid February already, and I just realised that I haven't blogged since November. Wow, time flies. We had a great Thanksgiving, joining my family at the Rogue River for food, fun and family time, this is a new tradition and is the plan from now on I believe for everyone who can make it. Christmas was really amazing this year too! We tried not to spend much money and had almost an entirely hand made Christmas, we all really loved everything we got and appreciated it so much, especially the lack of plastic and packaging! The girls have had about a weeks worth of "snow days" so far-including one yesterday-when there wasn't any snow. (Makes me wonder if maybe they just needed a midweek break!)
My sister decided that living in England and studying physics wasn't her cup of tea (oh-I am a riot!) so earlier this month, she moved back here and is staying in the loft-it is temporary, but she is paying rent, so that is a big help.
Valentines day is quickly approaching (which is one of my very favorite holidays of the entire year, barely eclipsed by Christmas and Blochtoberfest) so we are getting ready and excited for that. For years now, I have had a valentines day tradition with my friend Erika (she loves vday too!) we would do some fancy girly thing, so we would have a great time and let our men off the hook. (side note; boys DO NOT understand valentines day. They get all worried and anxious about the right present or what to do for dinner, when all the while, we are just happy to be in love and think it's cool to celebrate it) Anyway, every year we do something, when we had kiddos, they started coming with us, and this year, the big day falls on a Saturday, so the whole gang is coming. Mom and Dad are even coming up and we are going to eat at Benihana-which is Japanese food that they cook on your table, it is fun and so delicious, followed afterwards by big piles of strawberries back at Erika's house with little shortcakes, cool whip and chocolate to dip it in. Sounds dreamy right-what's not to love?!
The shop is doing well, there haven't been many sales lately, I guess it isn't candle season. I am working on some new things and can't wait to bring them into the shop. BuzzHandmade will soon be carrying more goodies made with bee products for you and your home, so that project has been keeping me pretty busy. (stay tuned)
The sun has been peeking out a couple of days a week, so we have been able to take walks, play outside (in the mud) and start getting excited about our garden. So far we have done the clearing out and cleaning up, we even bought some neat new seeds, but we really can't wait for the days when the sun comes to stay and we get to be outside more. We have big plans for this summer-there is a Disneyland trip, Mexico, camp outs, rafting plans, bonfires, parties, and of course just making time to visit and play with friends. Hope to see you soon!

hey stranger

2008-11-19T12:01:00.000-08:00

didn't think I'd find you here. Oh wait, maybe you didn't think you'd find me here--I know it's been a while-sorry. Life is super busy. (and I am wildly popular and all that, sooooo...)
Anyway, we are all well, and getting excited for the holidays coming up. My shop is doing well and keeping me busy. I am trying to make everything I can think of out of beeswax these days, and possibly have a small (to medium) addiction to online shopping. Usually it's stuff for my shop that I can use to make other stuff, or sell with my stuff, but, um, sometimes it's lip stick and jewelery, kind of depends on the time of day, how the kids are treating me and how many cocktails I have had. :)
Layla and Maggie are both LOVING school, and let's be honest, I am also a huge fan. I get almost 3 hours, 2 days a week all to myself. I am supposed to be using it to work in my shop and run errands, but sometimes I just sit back, drink my coffee while it's still hot and have my english muffin in peace and quiet. They had a day off the other day and I was so mad! I almost took them anyway, but decided that maybe that wouldn't be the best idea, so I thought I would just take the opportunity to sleep in-haha-silly me. They have to be hauled out of bed every school day, but on vacation days, apparently they can't handle missing 6am. Why is life like that? There isn't even any good tv on that early. (just kidding-Alan got the 3000 cable channels to go with his ginormous tv, so there is ALWAYS something on. Freud would have something to say about this I am sure of it!)
Tonight is the JDRF awards banquet, we are finally going to attend this year. We have blown it off every year so far; well, one year there was an ice storm and it was cancelled at the last minute (I mean we were dressed up and headed out the door) so we went out to dinner instead and gave Layla a pack of bubblegum (sugarless) for her "prestigious award" when you're 3, that's big. So, I should say we are planning to attend. So far the sun is out and the weather is unseasonably warm for the week before Thanksgiving, so hopefully we'll make it.
So, now you are caught up, sorry it's been so long, please be patient. This is a busy time for us, I will probably post again in the new year, so until then.....Happy Holidays, and I wish you and yours health and happiness. Have a fun and safe season!

I've got a buzz!

2008-10-04T07:00:00.000-07:00

not from any substances or anything, it's my alter ego. Find me here: buzzhandmade.etsy.com.

It's my shop, I have been working overtime lately in preparation of my first "show", today and tomorrow I will be vending at the Pomeroy Farm's 15th annual pumpkin fest-woohoo! I am really excited and hope this weekend will bring great things, so far it has only brought a sore back, lack of sleep and tons and tons of rain. (ug) This would explain why I haven't payed you any attention in a whole month, it isn't personal I promise. We had the JDRF walk to cure diabetes last weekend and the weekend before that my mother-in-law was here, and now the fest prep-phew, I'm getting tired just thinking about it. Hopefully I will have a bit more free time for a while, I don't have anything scheduled until December as far as selling (except online, but I expect to keep pretty busy through the holidays) so I should be able to let you know what is going on here a little more frequently. (we shall see-haha) Everything we've done for my booth is ridiculously awesome and I think I am going to rock the squash off of all the visitors there this weekend, hopefully the economy pinch won't influence their candle buying. :)
I am planning on taking tons of pictures and will try to post some of them here--I see blogs with pictures all the time, but have no idea how to do it, maybe my IT guy will give me a hand. As for me, I have to go now--big and busy day ahead. They say you are successful at a show if you make 10 times your cost, I am not holding my breath for this, but I'll let you know how it goes!
Wish me luck!!!!